New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby viridian » May 4th, 2008, 9:43 am

This is another 2-hit combo between Lochar and myself as discussed here: http://www.matthewschocke.com/forum/vie ... a&start=75

NOTE TO READERS: This has little if anything to do with the Team 8 continuity. I played around with various canon elements as needed. Don't think anything in this piece applies in any way to other stories. Crimson is Lochar's section. Indigo is mine.

Damn! Naruto thought, finally managing to even get a glancing strike on Itachi, only for it to dispel as a Kage Bunshin. Where is he? I've got to buy time for the others!

"Naruto!"

Turning at the yell, Naruto felt a body hit his and he tumbled to the side. Looking back, he saw Hinata, still in the middle of a fall herself, a black mass of something just now hitting her.

Wait...

And then the screams. Further away, Itachi's Ameratsu ended, the black flames covering Hinata's body. A scream tore from her throat, an agonizing pain that seemed to echo throughout Naruto's body and shiver his very bones.

And in her scream, Naruto heard something he thought he would never hear from anyone.

"Naruto I love..." and then the flames ended, and a broken husk of a body fell, charred to an almost unrecognizable shape as a human. Naruto could hear her last word still. "you."

The words seemed to linger in the air, teasing Naruto.

I was supposed to buy them time to escape! Naruto thought, looking at the husk. They weren't supposed to have to protect me!

He crawled over to Hinata's body, looking down at it. He did not see the burned corpse, but Hinata's pristine body, eyes closed. My precious person... Hinata... A single tear fell from his eye.

"Come with me, Naruto-kun, and I will not kill any of your other friends." Itachi's voice said from behind him.

Naruto ignored it. "She said she loved me." She loved me, and I let her die. Hinata... "I love you, too." he whispered, touching her body gently. I let her die, but the one to kill her was...

A veritable maelstrom of poisonous chakra erupted from the boy. The power of the chakra forced Itachi to jump back several dozen feet, but Hinata's charred corpse was not even moved under the immense power. Naruto stood, looking over his shoulder at Itachi. Several red appendages formed from the mass of chakra around Naruto, and Itachi's Sharingan had just enough time to see eight seperate tails form before Naruto said one word. "DIE!"

Only the Sharingan saved Itachi from being skewered in the first quarter second of their renewed battle, at fully six of the tails darted at him from all different directions in an attempt to impale him, only to find a Kawamari log in it's place.

The flames of Ameratsu appeared again behind Naruto's back striking him, but the Sun Goddess' flames were as nothing compared to the wrath of a Naruto who had lost the most important thing in the world. The flames dissipated against a literal physcial manifestation of the Kyuubi's chakra.



OoOoO

Tsunade jerked awake, glancing quickly around her office. The remnants of that horrible nightmare still had her heart beating like a drum. While she wasn't that old, dreaming about the Kyuubi being unleashed was not good for her stress levels. Taking a shuddering breath, she reached for her stash of sake, even as she grimaced at the drool puddled on a manpower report.

"You keep drinking like that, people will start to talk," a quiet voice said.

Startled, she looked up. Uzumaki Naruto was sitting on a chair in front of her desk, looking sad and definitely worse for the wear.

"What are you doing here?" she demanded. "You should be half-way to Tea Country by now!" If he was going to revert to his irresponsible genin ways, she was going to regret ever making him a jonin.

"Who knew about that mission?" Naruto asked, ignoring the question.

Tsunade blinked at his unusual lack of reaction. "Just me and the inner council," she said, a feeling of dread creeping over her. "Naruto, what's wrong?"

"We were ambushed just inside the border," Naruto explained. "Itachi and Kisame knew exactly where we'd be."

The fifth Hokage frowned. "Your exact route wasn't discussed though. The only person who could have known is…" Her eyes blazed as she shot to her feet. "I'M GOING TO RIP DANZO LIMB FROM LIMB!"

Naruto shook his head. "I don't know why he did it, but I hope you make him suffer," he snarled in a tone that chilled his superior's blood.

"How is your team?" She asked quickly. She didn't want Naruto going after the head of ROOT himself. Politics aside, she wanted the pleasure of breaking him herself.

Naruto's voice seemed to go dead. "Shino got Kisame – those flesh-eating kikai really burrow in quickly – but not before he took a good hit from Samehada. He's got some internal injuries, but Ino is getting him back here as fast as he can travel. Better have the hospital ready."

Tsunade swallowed. Something was very, very wrong. "And the others?" she asked, dreading what she might hear. She never hated her job more than this very moment.

Naruto looked down. He took a deep breath, visibly gathering himself as Tsunade felt her heart breaking. She knew it. "Kiba and Shikamaru are fine… Hinata… Itachi threw some weird black fire jutsu. I think Jiraiya called it Ameratsu. She knocked me out of the way, but it hit her instead, it…"

Tsunade clasped her hands together. Her old teammate had told her of it once. A nasty technique, the fire was unquenchable. Truly a horrible way to die.

"She… just had time to tell me she loved me before she died." Naruto looked up again and tears were streaming from his eyes.

"Naruto… I…" Tsunade's voice broke off. What could she say to make it better? What could anyone have told her after Dan?

"Itachi got away," Naruto continued, his voice ragged. "But I'm going to get him. He can't escape me. He'll lead me back to the rest of Akatsuki and that will be the end of them."

Tsunade's eyes widened in alarm. "Naruto, no! That's exactly what they want you to do. He may have even… killed… Hinata to make you chase him."

Naruto shrugged, and cocked his head. "That might be their plan, but I don't think they will be expecting what happens."

"What do you mean?" she demanded. The dread was back again, fighting with the hollow grief of knowing a good and gentle kunoichi would never return from the mission she had sent her on. She would personally see to it that Danzo's remaining existence was spent in pure agony.

"I can pull out eight tails if I absolutely have to. It hurts. And I think it changes me. It might even kill me to do it for very long. But I can. And I think I can go for nine if I have to. I don't think the Kyuubi likes them any more than I do, and I have that volcano-summoning jutsu that I still can't use at full power." Naruto's tone was light, even wistful, but the dead look in his eyes made Tsunade want to throw up.

She was out of her chair and around the desk before she was even aware of moving. "Naruto! You do NOT have permission to throw your life away! That's an order!"

Naruto shook his head. "They are just going to keep after me until they capture my prisoner's power. Avoiding them just means more of my friends get hurt. I don't have many people that l-love me…" he swallowed and looked away. "I won't risk any more of them."

Tsunade shook her head. This was all spiraling out of control. "I'll keep you here and wrap you in chains if I have to!"

Naruto turned back towards her and his mouth formed the ghost of a grin. The same grin he wore the first time he performed a rasengan to win their bet. His pranking grin. "But I'm not really here, Oba-chan," he whispered, using that nickname for the first time in years.

Frozen in horror, Tsuande didn't move as Naruto folded her into a hug. She gently hugged him back, even as she felt a very familiar piece of jewelry settle into place around her neck. She closed her eyes and tried to remember the feel of this young man who'd become so much like a son to her. She remembered talks they'd had after he asked about his parents. She remembered telling him that the hardest part of losing Nawaki and Dan was not really getting a chance to say goodbye.

She didn't open them when she heard the light pop of displaced air and her arms were suddenly empty.

She didn't open them when a distant rumble disturbed the sleep of her village, or the vibrations of a distant earthquake began to shake her office.
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Re: "Snapped" Version 2.0

Unread postby forbin » May 4th, 2008, 9:53 am

Well....damn. Nicely written and enjoyable, but damn. That is just the sort of thing that would happen to Naruto isn't it? Just found out that someone had feelings for him, but not until that person is dying. Of course this is an excellent way of committing suicide; just kill somebody that Naruto cares deeply for.

And having Naruto be able to pull out the majority of Kyuubi's chakra without going berserk was a definite plus, along with him actually using his brain when reporting and going after Akatsuki. Just have to wonder how big the new mountain somewhere in the elemental countries is?
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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby Wittgen » May 4th, 2008, 12:46 pm

I really liked it, though it wasn't as satisfying as the first snapped. After all, Naruto flies into rages pretty frequently. Seeing Hinata snap had much more of of a visceral impact. Still, awesome. Thanks for writing.
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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby Tempest Kitsune » May 4th, 2008, 1:10 pm

Wow. Very well written, even if I wish we could have seen what happens to Danzo and the traitors on the Council (because you know there's a few that want the kid dead no matter the collateral damage) And Hiashi's reaction would have been interesting to see too. And hopefully that got the whole "Kill Hinata" thing outta your system.
"Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world — "No, you move."
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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby taillwh » May 4th, 2008, 1:22 pm

I liked it. I think I liked Snapped v1.0 (if that's what we're calling it) better, but it was still good.

1.0 held a better sense of tragedy for me, because Hinata went completely berserk, but it still wasn't enough. In her rage, she managed more than ever in the past, but she still was losing. That's a unique kind of despair, because she knew she was losing but she was not going to stop, even if it killed her. Her reason for living was gone.

2.0 was still good, and while the ending tried to build in some of that desperation I can't help but assume that Naruto would achieve his vengeance, even if it costs him his life. He *will* be successful, but he probably won't be himself or even possibly alive by the end of it. That is quite sad, but for me on a different level than fighting against the inevitable as Hinata did in 1.0.
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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby viridian » May 4th, 2008, 3:32 pm

I agree. This story was really more about Tsunade and her sense of helplessness. Writing about Naruto being in a blind fury just wasn't as interesting to me as the Hokage's dawning realization of what was really happening. At least that was the first inspiration that really grabbed me and seemed to work.
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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby unknown266 » May 4th, 2008, 6:01 pm

Excellent work as always. For a moment after she woke up I thought that earlier sectionw as a dream. I like the bonding between Naruto and Tsunade, especially the hint at how more mature Naruto will be when he gets older due to Kurenai's influence.

Good work man.

~Toby
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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby Lochar » May 4th, 2008, 7:02 pm

Remember Toby, two things. This is an AU of an AU. Something that won't make it into the main Team 8 Storyline.

2: Who's to say it was Kurenai's influence that's matured Naruto to this point?
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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby SilentWasteland » May 4th, 2008, 7:54 pm

I really do enjoy these short looks at alternate outcomes for Team 8.

Definitely a well-written short story. :)
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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby Tempest Kitsune » May 4th, 2008, 10:49 pm

uh guys, he kinda said that this one didn't really fall under T8 continuity.
"Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world — "No, you move."
— Captain America

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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby SilentWasteland » May 4th, 2008, 10:52 pm

I took that to mean as the fanon continuity that Matthew has devised.
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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby Cathowl » May 5th, 2008, 7:24 am

While it's a very interesting one-shot, the bright red text was very difficult to red. Almost painful, really. You might consider using a darker color next time. ...Please?
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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby viridian » May 5th, 2008, 7:57 am

While it's a very interesting one-shot, the bright red text was very difficult to red. Almost painful, really. You might consider using a darker color next time. ...Please?
Hmmm... It didn't look that odd on my monitor. I've substituted in a darker version now though. Does that work better?
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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby Cathowl » May 5th, 2008, 3:56 pm

It's a little better, but still takes noticeable focus to read.

Maybe you have different color settings for the forum that make the contrast easier on your eyes?

Here's what I'm seeing:
Big cap of the red text
And for comparison, the blue text:
Smaller cap of the blue

Is that different than what you see?
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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby viridian » May 5th, 2008, 4:03 pm

It's about the same. Of course, if the issue is my monitor, that would follow, wouldn't it?
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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby Cathowl » May 5th, 2008, 4:19 pm

I suppose I'll just deal with it. I don't want to go fiddling with my monitor settings. Next time I could just copy the text to MS Word and change it all to black... That would probably be easiest.

Thanks for being patient with my complaint.
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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby Gullwhacker » May 5th, 2008, 8:50 pm

Something I want to comment on here.

Kisame vs. Shino. It was only mentioned in passing, but - our favorite Aburame took down an Akatsuki member.

Personally, I like that matchup. The guy with the chakra-eating bugs, versus the guy with the chakra-eating sword.

Okay, sure, it probably pales a bit to what seems to be Naruto/Kyuubi taking down the other eight, but... Go Shino.
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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby viridian » May 5th, 2008, 9:51 pm

Something I want to comment on here.

Kisame vs. Shino. It was only mentioned in passing, but - our favorite Aburame took down an Akatsuki member.

Personally, I like that matchup. The guy with the chakra-eating bugs, versus the guy with the chakra-eating sword.

Okay, sure, it probably pales a bit to what seems to be Naruto/Kyuubi taking down the other eight, but... Go Shino.
Well, it wasn't the chakra-eating bugs that did the trick. :shock: :animyikes: :blah!:
:puke:

And yes, that's a hold-over from the conversation at Kurenai's house in Team 8. :devil
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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby Zerrat » May 5th, 2008, 10:09 pm

Not much that hasn't already been said, but I loved the way Tsuande was characterised. I could really emphasize with her pain and despair.

And it would be so much like Hinata to push Naruto out of the way of a hit - that was totally believable. :D
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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby SilentWasteland » May 5th, 2008, 10:37 pm

Mmm, flesh eating bugs. :D
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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby paradoxielysium » May 6th, 2008, 10:27 am

The moment when he returned the necklace was especially poignant for me. *tear* Ah and then when his Kage Bunshin dispersed.

I always thought it was Amaterasu for some reason...Hn.

Also, shino is win. ^_______^
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Re: New Short Fic: Snapped v.2.0

Unread postby Togusa » May 7th, 2008, 6:14 pm

Good.

But with a bit more of battle build-up before the drama it would be more effective. Her demise is too soon for you to get the "feel" of the situation they're in.

Good the Kage Bunshin bit ('you can't stop me').
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