Ninja Arts and You

Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Kelenas » May 9th, 2010, 1:12 pm

A small attempt at humour from me, though I doubt it'll get any more than an amused smile.

Contains gross mis-use of ninja techniques, and silliness.
Spoiler: show
Application 1: Sharpening

The other Genin of the Konoha Twelve would undoubtedly consider it a severe violation of their privacy if one of their sensei suddenly decided to invite themselves into their house through a window, but Kakashi considered it a special privilege, even responsibility, to visit his students whenever he wanted without the need to knock at the front door.
After all, one of his cute students might get the clever idea to make him wait for a change, and that just wouldn't do.

Today it was Naruto's turn to get a visit from the masked jounin (which would normally end with a large portion of his instant ramen cups being replaced by disgustingly healthy food), but just when Kakashi was about to step off the windowsill and into the room, his ears were assaulted by a penetrating screech that made him wince and almost loose his footing if he hadn't grabbed onto the window frame in reflex.

Regaining his balance, he made his way through Naruto's apartment, searching for the source of this noise. What he found was Naruto, sitting on his couch with a few kunai lying on the table in front of him and another in his hand... that he was using a Rasengan on?

“Naruto? What are you doing there?”

The blonde in question turned around, the initial surprise on his face turning into a grin when he recognized his teacher. “Hi there, Kakashi-sensei!”

The jounin took a cautious step backwards, his sole visible eye following Naruto's hand like it was a hypnotist's pendulum. Leave it to Naruto to wave a greeting at someone with a deadly, A-ranked combat technique in hand.

“I've been training to use my Rasengan one-handed, 'cause making it with a clone in battle is awar... awka... - “

“Awkward?”

“Yeah, that. So I've been starting over from step one, to figure out how to make my chakra swirl the way I want it to 'n' all.”

Kakashi stared at him dumbfounded, “By using it to sharpen your weapons?”

“Yep,” confirmed Naruto cheerfully.

The silver-haired jounin barely managed to resist the urge to slap his hand over his face.

“Pencils, too,” Naruto added as an afterthough, holding one up for his sensei to see.

Despite his best intentions, Kakashi's hand had somehow found its way to his face.
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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Darkandus » May 9th, 2010, 1:54 pm

But, that's genius! What if you lose your whetstone?
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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Ironwolf » May 9th, 2010, 3:00 pm

Oh God, don't mentioned that to Perfect Lionheart, it'll only give him ideas.
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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Aldraia Dragonsong » May 9th, 2010, 4:57 pm

:XD:
That...was...brilliant.
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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Jasruv » May 9th, 2010, 7:55 pm

:biggrin:

A perfect use of it from a control stand point. Imagine trying to use an industrial strength grinder to sharpen a pencil.

And he did use it to mix dough in the anime.

You don't really see much in the way of non-combat use for most jutsu, that is something that should be corrected.
I don't believe in overkill, but I do believe in economy of force. Which is why I don't use tactical nuclear devices to get rid of gnats that are annoying me. Well, not often anyway.

Naruto shrugged. "It doesn't have to make sense, we're ninja. We walk on water because it's easier than learning to swim." Vulpine by Saphroneth

Stories do not exist to warn you of monsters. You knew that monsters existed before you could speak, before you could walk. Stories exist to tell you monsters can be defeated.
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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Zankaru Zelladonii » May 9th, 2010, 10:46 pm

Well I thought it was hilarious, especially the part with him waving. =)
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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Kelenas » May 11th, 2010, 4:24 am

Wow. Didn't think I'd get so enthusiastic feedback. Makes me glad I finally got around to actually post it. :smile:

I still have another two snippets on my computer, somewhere, plus an idea for a fourth. I'll see if I can find and post them later.

I'm also open to suggestions or ideas for other snippets, if someone can think of something. Proper credit will, of course, be given.

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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Kelenas » May 14th, 2010, 10:17 am

Sorry about the delay, but my internet connection currently leaves much to be desired, and has so for the last few days.

In any case, here's the other two snippets I have. Dunno when I'm ever going to write the fourth, but it's probably going to be a while.
Spoiler: show
Application 2: Refill

“Alright, whose turn is it to get the next round?” Ino asked, holding her empty glass into the air before placing it down on the table.

“Naruto's, I think. He's the only one who hasn't, yet,” Kiba replied while placing his own glass – similarly void of liquid – next to hers, and snaking an arm around her waist (which was promptly swatted away).

“Eh!? Why do I have to get drinks? I think this is my welcome-party!?” Naruto protested, somewhat annoyed at being torn out of his conversation with Neji – even if he didn't get why the Hyuuga prodigy wanted to know what he thought of Hinata.

“Just give in and do it, Naruto. It's easier for everyone in the end,” Shikamaru interjected from the side.

At first, Naruto grimaced. But that frown suddenly turned into a smile, and from there into a full-blown grin, “Fine! You'll get your drinks!”

Before anyone could say anything else he launched into a series of hand-seals, ending with an enthusiastic shout of, “Water Dragon Technique!”

The other party guests looked at him in a mixture of surprise and horror. He wouldn't dare, would he? They winced when the bottles on the buffet-table popped open, and the looks on their faces turned to dumbfounded when dragon-shaped heads made of juice, lemonade, and other beverages rose out from the openings and, in a high arc, splashed into the various glasses around the room, giving everyone a refill of their previous drink.

“Well... I guess that is a fast method to do this,” Neji deadpanned after a few moments. To the side, Tenten cautiously prodded her glass with a kunai, like she was afraid the fruit juice inside would suddenly decide to attack her.
Spoiler: show
Application 3: Laundry

“Zabuza-sama, I'm not sure this is...”

“Haku. What did I tell you about being a missing-nin?” the Demon of the Bloody Mist asked his apprentice, one hand stuck inside his Water Prison Technique.

“...that we have to be resourceful,” the androgynous boy answered somewhat hesitantly.

“And when was the last time we had access to a washing machine, or a laundry kitchen?”

Pieces of clothing were floating inside the transparent sphere.

“...” Haku opened his mouth for a reply, but couldn't find one. The last few weeks – months, really – had been hectic; a team of Kiri's hunter-nin had somehow stumbled upon their trail and it had taken a while to shake them off. They hadn't had the opportunity to even see a laundry kitchen in that time, much less actually use it.

“Thought so,” Zabuza commented dryly while he threw a handful of detergent (he had stolen a box in the last village they came through) into the liquid. “Now grab a staff and start stirring!”
Anything I could improve on?

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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Darkandus » May 14th, 2010, 10:59 am

The only way you could improve is by writing more!

Great stuff. :biggrin:
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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Zankaru Zelladonii » May 14th, 2010, 12:50 pm

Application 3 is the best so far, easily. Seriously hope you get the urge to write more of these.
"Machiavelli was wrong, it is better to be loved than feared. It is harder to get people to love you, but those bonds are that much harder to break."
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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Jasruv » May 14th, 2010, 2:22 pm

Yes, this is very funny stuff.

Jutsu are just tools, granted tools mostly meant for combat, still tools. They really should use them more often for non-combat stuff. The only reason not to use them outside of combat would likely be cultural and/or religious.
I don't believe in overkill, but I do believe in economy of force. Which is why I don't use tactical nuclear devices to get rid of gnats that are annoying me. Well, not often anyway.

Naruto shrugged. "It doesn't have to make sense, we're ninja. We walk on water because it's easier than learning to swim." Vulpine by Saphroneth

Stories do not exist to warn you of monsters. You knew that monsters existed before you could speak, before you could walk. Stories exist to tell you monsters can be defeated.
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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Lightwhispers » May 14th, 2010, 3:20 pm

These are awesome.

Now, just combine 1 and 3, and you have Washing Machine no Jutsu! Just have to work a bit to make sure the clothes don't get shredded, but that's just a matter of practice. Really!
Warning: the above may contain strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and logic (which may be unsuitable for stupid people).
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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Kelenas » May 15th, 2010, 5:15 am

Now, just combine 1 and 3, and you have Washing Machine no Jutsu! Just have to work a bit to make sure the clothes don't get shredded, but that's just a matter of practice. Really!
You, sir, are a genius. *notes the idea down as application 4, and bumps the previous idea for 4 up to 5*

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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Kelenas » May 29th, 2010, 7:42 am

Spoiler: show
Application 4: Laundry, Advanced
Credit for the idea of this snippet goes to Lightwhispers from the Viridian Dreams Forum.

“If you so much as try to take a peek...” Sakura growled at her teammate.

“You'll deck me, I know, I know,” Naruto reassured her for for what felt to him like the fifth or sixth time within the last few minutes. “Now could you pleasure hurry up and get out of those clothes!?”

The entire camp paused in whatever they were doing – setting up tents and sleeping rolls, preparing a fire, and the like – to throw him an incredulous stare. For a moment, Naruto simply stared back, until his brain finally processed what his mouth just had brought forth.

“To wash them!” he sputtered somewhat panicked. “So I can wash them, I swear I didn't mean anything perverted, I swear!”

“Just... turn around, idiot...” Sakura sighed exasperated, before she extended her demand to the other male ninja present. “And the rest of you, too, of course!”

When Naruto finally turned back around after his female teammate allowed him to, she stood there wrapped in a blanket, and threw her bunched clothes, their original colors barely recognizable, soaked in sewage as they were, onto the pile where the rest of the team had already deposited their own.
Water walking only helped so much when you were chasing someone through the canalisation, and of course no one had bothered (or even thought) to bring any spare clothes.

Which meant that Naruto was currently running around in boxer shorts, Sai in briefs (“And you're calling me dickless!? HA!”), and Kakashi without his mask.

He expertly used a miraculously clean copy of Icha Icha to cover his lower face instead.

Sakura tried to ignore all this, though; otherwise, she'd have shirtless Narutos, and Sais, and even Kakashis running through her head all day (and night, too). Instead, she focused on what the heck Naruto was doing there, as he performed a string of handseals that seemed distantly familiar somehow. The familiarity became apparent when moments later a sphere of water came into being, hovering in the air and connected with Naruto's outstretched hand.

“Isn't that...?” Sakura began confused.

“Zabuza's Water Prison Technique? I think so,” Kakashi replied, sounding every bit as stunned as his female student.

“Picked it up while traveling with Ero-sennin,” Naruto explained to them, while he observed two clones as they stuffed the dirty clothing into the liquid. When they were done, they took positions on opposite sides of the sphere and placed their hands against it and closed their eyes in concentration. Slowly, the water inside the sphere began to move, sluggishly at first, then faster and faster, with the clothes inside drifting this way and that, until it seemed like a single, confusing mess of colors and movement.

“And that looks like...” Sakura began, only for Kakashi to interrupt her again.

“His Oodama Rasengan.”

Sakura threw her teacher a glare. She was perfectly able to form and complete her own sentences, damn it! Her irritation didn't last long, however, before her attention turned back to where Naruto formed a large, jutsu-based washing machine...
New snippet again. Enjoy!

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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby SLAMU » May 29th, 2010, 5:40 pm

Another perk of taking missions with Naruto; clean clothes, even in the darkest backwater!
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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Kelenas » June 10th, 2010, 11:57 am

Spoiler: show
Application 5: Dry Cleaning

“Oh, come on, sis! Is what we're asking so unreasonable!?”

Temari shot her brother a dark look. “Yes. It is an insult to myself, and an insult to everyone who went through the same rigorous and strict training as I.”

“Oh, for fuck's sake!” Kankuro threw his arms into the air. “We're ninja; we do what we have to. Heck, just a few weeks ago I held a play with my puppets. For kids.”

That was completely different,” Temari sniffed.

“Oh, really?” Kankuro crossed his arms on his chest. “How?”

“It... was for the sake of the mission!”

“Yeah, and what we're asking is for the sake of our bloody health! Or do you want to spend a week in the hospital with pneumonia when we get back, just because you couldn't be bothered to get our clothes dry?”

The glare she threw her brother might have been more impressive if she didn't look like a half-drowned poodle.

“...Very well.”

Without further protest, she drew her fan and opened it, though not fully. She merely wanted a strong wind, not to blow them all over the desert.
Gathering her chakra, she swung her fan and created a wind that was still strong enough that she, Kankuro, and their team preferred to stick themselves to the ground with chakra as it blew through the camp in a circle, flapping their hair and clothes – Kankuro even lost his trademark hood – until they were reasonably dry.

Before Kankuro could give his sister a victorious grin, however, she had already stalked forward and grabbed him by his collar to jerk his head down, to hiss directly into his face.

“You. Owe. Me.”

Seeing that she still had her fan out, resting on her shoulder in a position were she could quickly bring it down on his head, he nodded enthusiastically.
The next snippet won't be about cleaning clothes. I swear!

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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Dechstreme » June 24th, 2010, 11:38 am

You need for cleaning the floors, dishes, gardening... and construction, too.
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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby SLAMU » June 24th, 2010, 11:56 pm

Balencing your checkbook? Moving furnature? Lawn care? Cooking?
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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Zankaru Zelladonii » June 25th, 2010, 12:57 am

Did you already do the 'summon toads for pest infestation'?
"Machiavelli was wrong, it is better to be loved than feared. It is harder to get people to love you, but those bonds are that much harder to break."
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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Dechstreme » June 26th, 2010, 7:28 pm

I don't think Kel has.
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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Tempest Kitsune » June 26th, 2010, 7:31 pm

It'd probably have to be an out-of-town mission. I doubt Konoha has too many bug-related problems, what with the Aburame and all.
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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Zankaru Zelladonii » June 26th, 2010, 10:15 pm

Just because you can talk to something does not mean you can control. Although the 'stay outside or you die policy' explained to them before killing them might be a good way to do it. Actually that would make a funny one, having an aburame called in to convince a beehive to relocate or something.
"Machiavelli was wrong, it is better to be loved than feared. It is harder to get people to love you, but those bonds are that much harder to break."
I'm a Princeps, the #1 of a Titan, the crazy bastard who wears an angry house to work. - Tomas, Princeps of Warhound Titan Invictorus

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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Vael » June 26th, 2010, 10:39 pm

In a very mafia manner no less ^^

*imagines Shino dressed like an Italian Mafioso* :animlol:

I've always wanted to see what someone could do with the Celestial Gates outside a fight....
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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby Dechstreme » June 30th, 2010, 2:21 pm

Build a house?
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Re: Ninja Arts and You

Unread postby SLAMU » January 20th, 2011, 11:36 pm

Using chakra strings to fish?
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