Assorted Random Writings

This forum is for picking apart tricky issues facing any authors in the community. Word choice, action scenes, dialoguing, or plot development. If something isn't working for you, put it up here and see what your fellow community members can make of it. Try to keep examples short and to the point as much as possible.

Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby Aldraia Dragonsong » November 21st, 2014, 2:58 am

With my apologies for the double post, the next installment of Sasuke's adventures in time travel.
Spoiler: show
Team Building Exercise

The three young ninja sat in a circle around a cleared patch of dirt. Sasuke doodled on it with a stick as he explained his plan.
“We have only a few advantages over our opponent,” he began. “A major one is our numbers. He could probably multiply himself with clones, but it would take energy, effort. A second is that we’re well aware he completely outclasses us – don’t give me that look, Naruto, it’s true. He could beat us all with one hand missing and without looking at us. But he knows that too. I don’t think he’ll take us seriously. So if we can surprise him, we might get somewhere... and I think we can be very surprising.”
Naruto grinned.
“How tough can he be? He fell for the oldest trick there is!”
“He let that eraser hit him, Naruto,” Sasuke explained patiently. “He was just too lazy to dodge... which is the last thing we have over him. He doesn’t care. Probably wants to fail us and is only pretending to test us as an excuse. He won’t be putting his all into this... and we will.”
“But if he wants us to fail, there’s no way we’ll make it!” Sakura exclaimed.
“Nothing to do but try our best,” Sasuke replied. “Even if we’re doomed to failure.”
He had learned that the hard way.

As the planning session went on, Sasuke drew Naruto and Sakura into it, carefully prodding them to share ideas and suggestions. He did not want to seem to have all the answers. This had to be a team effort. It was the first step in bringing the three of them together.
At first, his efforts to befriend his teammates had still been no help. The time he had was not enough to develop a true friendship and have any time left to enjoy it. But Sasuke kept trying, taking a lesson in persistence from his rival. He had managed alone for years before time became a circle; he could have the patience to endure a little longer.
Sasuke smiled, just a little, as his teammates settled into the flow of things, their issues with one another left behind as a plan took shape. Sakura was book-smart, able to calculate trajectories and quantities with ease; and Naruto, idiot though he was, was clever. His many years of playing pranks had made him skilled in setting traps and coming up with unusual ideas that still had a chance of actually working. With Sasuke and Sakura to point out and patch the flaws, the results were better than anything any of them could have done alone. More importantly, they were learning to work together. And they were becoming friends.
Sasuke’s persistence had paid off. As he got to know his teammates better, he became better able to creep closer more quickly without seeming unlike himself. Was it manipulative? Some might say so. But he did not feel bad about using his knowledge of his friends to give them what they wanted.
No plan, of course, was complete without the preparation to execute it. Naruto sent some clones to get supplies while they set up what they could without them, bickering occasionally but managing to get something accomplished before the clones returned. Supplies acquired, the rest of the preparing went... well, neither smoothly nor quickly, but they eventually got everything done with no injuries that would cause trouble during the test. Good enough for the first day.
He had messed up a few times. Tipped someone off that something was up. But it never mattered, because even if he was unable to allay their suspicions, they forgot everything when the wheel returned to its beginning.
And so he had learned, and in time mastered, the art of befriending Naruto and Sakura. It was a strange friendship, since they forgot it again and again while he always remembered, but it was more than nothing. He could sense Master Kakashi’s eye on him, and the approval therein.
He closed his eyes as he turned to go home. He knew he did not deserve that approval, or the friendships he built again and again. But he needed them, and on his better days, he thought perhaps his teammates did too.
Random Scholomance Quote of However Long It Takes Me To Get Bored of the Last One:
“Ancell: respecting personal boundaries to the detriment of his friends since 1993.” ~bookworm702
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby gman391 » November 21st, 2014, 7:27 am

I kind of wish this forum had a like button, because that was a good snippet Aldraia.
"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world."
----Jack Layton
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby Aldraia Dragonsong » January 20th, 2015, 1:48 am

Been a long time since I posted... I blame account issues and illness in the family. But finally, more Twisted Time!
Spoiler: show
Initiation

When Sasuke arrived, Lee was already there, waiting patiently outside the front gate... doing one-handed pushups.
“...How long have you been here?” Sasuke asked.
Lee hopped to his feet.
“Not too long,” he replied cheerfully. “Ten minutes or so.”
Sasuke shook his head and opened the gate.
“You really don’t like being idle, do you?”
“To waste time is to let the fires of one’s youth gutter!” Lee proclaimed.
“...I suppose that makes sense.”
They walked the rest of the way in silence. Once inside, Sasuke asked awkwardly, “Do you... want tea or something?”
“I am fine,” Lee assured him, “though some water would be nice.”
Sasuke nodded and fetched cups of water for them both. Handing one to Lee and setting the other on the table, he sat and stared into the cup before him, searching for words.
“I’ve never tried to explain this to anyone else before,” he began haltingly. “There didn’t seem much point. It sounds ridiculous, on the face of it. But I keep going through the same period of time over and over again. From today until... what you remember as yesterday.”
Lee listened uncritically, showing no doubt in Sasuke’s word. Well, he did have some proof, after all.
“Do you know how this happened?” he asked.
“Not really,” Sasuke answered. “I know it has something to do with my bloodline... but I don’t know as much about that as I might like. What I do know, however, is that it involves an aspect of it that most don’t know about – even many Uchiha didn’t know, before... the massacre. An altered form called the Kaleidoscope Eye.”
“Interesting. Why is this not common knowledge?”
“It’s extremely rare. And the price you have to pay for it is... horrific.”
Sasuke closed his eyes and echoed the words he had been told so long ago, words burned into his mind by terror and blood.
“It can only be unlocked by experiencing the guilt of blaming yourself for your closest friend’s death.”
Silence reigned for a moment. Sasuke opened his eyes again to find Lee looking at him sympathetically.
“I can see why such a thing would be rare,” Lee said gently.
“Don’t look at me like that,” Sasuke hissed. “I don’t deserve it. You don’t – you don’t get it, do you? The first time... the very first time I lived through these days... I killed Naruto!”
More tomorrow~
Random Scholomance Quote of However Long It Takes Me To Get Bored of the Last One:
“Ancell: respecting personal boundaries to the detriment of his friends since 1993.” ~bookworm702
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby Aldraia Dragonsong » January 23rd, 2015, 10:31 pm

My apologies for the lateness of this; I was sort of hoping to not have to double-post, and school started yesterday.
Spoiler: show
Elaboration

Lee did not respond right away. Sasuke took the opportunity to keep talking.
“It was stupid. Worse than stupid. I realized that right away. And that was when my eyes changed. Then the world... twisted. There was this rushing feeling, like running fast... or falling. My eyes hurt, and I could feel blood on my face. And then... I woke up in my bed, on the day of team selection, like nothing had happened.
At first I thought it was a nightmare. It isn’t like I’ve never had those. So I just went on like everyone else. As if nothing had happened.
But then... things went the same way as before. Not completely. I reacted differently sometimes. But mostly, things went the same way.
I started thinking it was a premonition. Never heard of that happening before, but it wasn’t unbelievable. I started looking out for the things I had seen, trying to keep things from going wrong.
It didn’t work. And I found myself in the Valley of the End, facing Naruto, just like before.
And I woke up in my bed on the day of team selection, just like before.
That was about when I realized what was really going on. The wheel of time is spinning in place. Time seems to progress, but it always comes back around to the same point. And somehow, I remember previous turns. I don’t know how it is that you do, or whether you’ll still remember when the wheel turns again. But it has something to do with my eyes. And my regret.
What you saw, that battle, my fall... it keeps happening. Over and over, again and again. Even knowing it’s a mistake... I always forget, when the time comes.
I could blame it on the Cursed Seal. But that’s an excuse. And I will not make excuses.”
Sasuke clenched his fists.
“Naruto doesn’t make excuses. And I won’t let him beat me in something like that.”
Random Scholomance Quote of However Long It Takes Me To Get Bored of the Last One:
“Ancell: respecting personal boundaries to the detriment of his friends since 1993.” ~bookworm702
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby Aldraia Dragonsong » July 26th, 2015, 3:19 am

This one took me a long time... partly because it makes my third post in a row.
Sasuke and Lee's adventures in time travel continue!
Spoiler: show
A Youthful Promise

Lee was silent for a long moment, making certain that Sasuke was finished.
“Uchiha Sasuke,” he said solemnly, “I, Rock Lee, will help you break this cycle in whatever way I can.”
Sasuke’s head jolted upward, his eyes meeting Lee’s in shock.
“You – but – why?”
Lee tilted his head in puzzlement.
“Why would I not?”
“I just admitted to killing my own teammate!”
“You also admitted to realizing it was wrong. You also said you wanted to stop it from happening again. And you are also a comrade, a fellow shinobi of Konoha.”
Sasuke stared at him for a long moment.
“You and Naruto... you’re a lot alike,” he said at last.
Lee smiled brightly.
“Yes, Uzumaki Naruto burns brightly with the Fires of Youth!”
Sasuke had no response to that.
“So!” Lee said briskly. “How can I help?”
“I don’t even know if you can,” Sasuke replied quietly.
“Then we shall have to figure something out together!” Lee concluded, undaunted.
Sasuke considered.
“Let’s compare what we know about what will happen. Maybe something will turn up.”

An hour later, Sasuke’s table was covered in papers, and they still had no idea what to do. Sorting out an idea of what had/would happen was simple enough, but Sasuke had tried everything he could think of and what do to about it remained unclear.
“Perhaps we can prevent Neji from assaulting his cousin so harshly,” Lee suggested.
“First, how? Second, why would that help?” Sasuke asked tiredly.
Lee stared at him with possibly the most disappointed, disapproving look Sasuke had ever seen on his face. Wait, no, he remembered now... that was the same expression Lee wore when he saw Neji and Hinata fight, just at a lower intensity.
“It is a worthy goal by itself, Sasuke,” he said.
Sasuke met Lee’s gaze steadily for a little while, but he soon looked away.
“Yes... it is,” he acknowledged. “But still... how would we do that?”
“Perhaps if I told Neji of-” Lee began.
No,” Sasuke interrupted. “I keep telling you, trying to explain this to others never works. You were only different because you experienced it firsthand. I’ve told Master Kakashi, Naruto, Sakura, the Hokage, Ino, Gaara, you, Neji, Hinata, and every other person I could think of who might possibly believe me. No matter what explanation I tried, no one ever has.”
“Then what can we do?” Lee demanded.
Sasuke replied quietly, “I wish I knew.”
Random Scholomance Quote of However Long It Takes Me To Get Bored of the Last One:
“Ancell: respecting personal boundaries to the detriment of his friends since 1993.” ~bookworm702
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby Aldraia Dragonsong » August 6th, 2015, 11:31 pm

After renaming the timeloop story I was working on from Twisted Time to A Wheel Spinning In Place, that project more or less stalled out. So have something completely different, the first chapter of a The World Ends With You fanfic called Dèjá vu. (The second word is deliberately not capitalized, as that is the way the song's title is written in the game. Opinions on this decision are welcome.)
Spoiler: show
Long Dream

Neku Sakuraba was grateful that his nightmares were quiet.
He didn’t want his parents – or his friends – worrying about him. His friends had their own problems, and his parents wouldn’t understand. So he didn’t tell anyone that he sometimes woke up surprised to be alive, or aching from wounds that had vanished without even leaving a scar, or in a panic at how close he had been to losing what was not his to lose.
Three weeks of fighting for the right to exist was not so easy to put behind him.
He kept looking over his shoulder, expecting to see Reapers or Noise after him. He was constantly expecting Joshua to turn up at any moment. And even though they lacked power in the Realground, he always carried pins with him.
Neku knew Shiki was starting to notice. She’d probably lecture him about not letting her in again, and she wasn’t exactly wrong. But he didn’t want to tell her that he had nightmares about erasing her.
He didn’t want to tell anyone about the flashbacks of Sota and Nao, seeing them fade away as he failed to protect them. And he definitely didn’t want to talk about Joshua shooting him. Twice.
So he kept the guilt, sorrow, and pain locked away as far down as possible, and tried to live by his motto. Do what you want, when you want, how you want; and enjoy every moment.
Random Scholomance Quote of However Long It Takes Me To Get Bored of the Last One:
“Ancell: respecting personal boundaries to the detriment of his friends since 1993.” ~bookworm702
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby gman391 » August 18th, 2015, 6:05 pm

Well this has a lot of emotive potential. I feel like you're lacking a description here. If this is a reoccuring problem wouldn't Neku be showing a lot of signs of fatigue and stress that he wants to cover up?

Just my thoughts.
"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world."
----Jack Layton
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby RavynousHunter » August 19th, 2015, 9:59 am

Is this just for fanfic, or is general fiction approps, as well? Assuming it is, here's something from me.
Spoiler: show
It had been a recurring nightmare for the boy ever since that horrible day. Despite his training, despite making new friends and valuable contacts within the Brotherhood, Shayne still had nightmares, some nights. Watching his house burn, watching in dumb shock as the firefighters put out the raging inferno...seeing the paramedics pull the charred corpses of his parents from the wreckage. Try as he might, his teacher's words did little to wear the edges off the pain he felt. It was strange, he could use his power to manipulate the minds of others, make them see what he wanted, hear things that weren't there, or even make them believe that their best friend was trying to kill them, but he couldn't reach into his own mind and tear out these memories, deaden the pain. Not, as his teacher warned him, that it wasn't possible, but he let the boy see what became of those who meddled with their own minds. The mute, blank faces of people who went to far, who attacked their own minds, stared back at him and he could tell just by looking that they were no more: in their attempts to forcibly rid themselves of their trauma, they'd inadvertently wiped out their own minds, leaving them blank, unthinking husks.

The fear of becoming like that, of losing what he was, frightened him...even as he was training in the art of spycraft and sabotage, of stealth and manipulation, how to fight and how to kill. Like all trainees of the Brotherhood, Shayne understood that, one day, he'd be called upon to end a life, to make that ultimate choice to keep the secret of the existence of his people from being released into the wild. The chance of war and persecution was too great. In ancient times, the Brotherhood had been founded to protect and hide those with the gift of psionic power. So it was today, even if they relied as much on modern technology as they did on their own, inborn abilities.
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby Aldraia Dragonsong » August 20th, 2015, 4:33 am

I have posted non-fanfic here a few times before, but the thread was originally intended as just a place for me to solicit feedback. Most people form their own threads in this subforum.
That said, you have something interesting there, though not much of a plot yet.

Long Dream focuses on Neku's internal situation; physical signs, beyond the fact that Shiki notices, seemed unimportant to me. At the same time, you have a point that his efforts to keep his issues hidden deserve more attention.

Meanwhile, next part of Dèjá vu. This one took a few rewrites before I was satisfied with it; getting Shiki and Eri's voices right was difficult, and I am still unsure how well I succeeded.
Spoiler: show
Calling

Eri put down her pencil and turned to face her friend, leaning one arm against the back of her chair.
“Hey, Shiki?”
Shiki looked up.
“What’s up, Eri?”
“Are you... okay?”
Shiki blinked, pausing in her stitching.
“Yeah, I’m doing great... why?”
“You’ve seemed... different lately. I-I mean, it’s a good different! You seem happier, more confident! But I just... You’ve always... kept things bottled up. So... what I’m trying to say is, if something’s wrong, you can talk to me.”
Shiki was touched. She set her work aside and hugged Eri.
“You’re such a good friend, Eri. Believe me, there’s nothing wrong. In fact... something that’s been wrong for a long time is finally right.”
She wasn’t over everything yet. She still had doubts, and fears, and worries. But with Eri for a partner, she would erase them all. She was sure of it.
Random Scholomance Quote of However Long It Takes Me To Get Bored of the Last One:
“Ancell: respecting personal boundaries to the detriment of his friends since 1993.” ~bookworm702
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby gman391 » August 20th, 2015, 7:44 pm

Again not sure how much help I can be on this. But while your dialog seems alright, I'm not sure where we are? A school maybe?
"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world."
----Jack Layton
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby Aldraia Dragonsong » August 21st, 2015, 3:07 am

I was thinking Eri's bedroom, but it does not really matter. I tried to insert a description of the location a few times, but it just seemed... extraneous. Like I was writing it because I thought the piece ought to have a location description, not because it was actually relevant to the scene. All that matters is that Shiki and Eri are somewhere together working on a project. Where exactly they are - even what exactly the project is - would not change the rest of the scene.
Random Scholomance Quote of However Long It Takes Me To Get Bored of the Last One:
“Ancell: respecting personal boundaries to the detriment of his friends since 1993.” ~bookworm702
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby gman391 » August 21st, 2015, 5:02 am

It definitely could though.

Like if they're working on the project in a public library, that gives a different context. They'll be less open then say in Eri's room.
"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world."
----Jack Layton
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby Aldraia Dragonsong » August 22nd, 2015, 5:53 pm

I do see your point, but... the focus of the scene is the dialogue. What I mean by the location not affecting the rest is that I wrote the dialogue part first. That is the core of the scene, the part that is going to remain generally the same no matter what else I put in. The reader can imagine them in any place they think suitable.
Still, you do bring up another good point, tangentially. Shiki should notice things about her surroundings, and the narration style of each chapter is meant to reflect the character it centers on. So Neku is introspective, brooding, and keeps himself to himself. Shiki should be the opposite, focusing on everything but herself. And Beat, as we are about to see, focuses on the obvious and ignores the rest.
Spoiler: show
Rush Hour

“AAARRRGGGHHH!”
“Uh, Beat, you okay man?”
“It’s nothin’, Phones. Just my ’rents.”
“Again? I thought you were trying to get along with them.”
“Tryin’ ain’t the same as succeeding.”
“Point. What are you going to do?”
“Man, I don’t even know. And on top a’ that, Rhyme’s been actin’ weird lately...”
“Weird how?”
“I dunno, just... weird. She acts like she used to, but it ain’t... right somehow. Like she don’t mean it, you dig? Jus’ doin’ things ’cause she thinks she should. Even the ones she liked before... y’know.”
“Yeah... I think I do.”
As usual, opinions on how I am doing with the characters' "voices" are not only welcome, but desired. I will post a rewritten version of Calling at some point, probably after I get through the first drafts of the chapter ideas I already have.
Random Scholomance Quote of However Long It Takes Me To Get Bored of the Last One:
“Ancell: respecting personal boundaries to the detriment of his friends since 1993.” ~bookworm702
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby gman391 » August 22nd, 2015, 7:47 pm

It's good dialog but at the same time. I feel like I dunno like dialog isn't enough at this point. I mean why is Beat angry at his parents this time?
"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world."
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby Aldraia Dragonsong » August 22nd, 2015, 8:24 pm

Hmm, you are correct; looking at it again, it does seem a little lacking. *makes a note for the next draft*
Well, of the main crew, one Player remains...
Spoiler: show
Emptiness And

There was a hole in Rhyme’s heart where her dreams used to be.
It was easy enough to figure out what she used to want, but it didn’t help; those things meant nothing to her now. Thinking of her lost dreams only reinforced the emptiness they left behind.
Sometimes she wondered if anything could fill it.
But then she thought about everything she had regained: her life, her parents, her brother. And just like in the Game, she looked at Beat and thought: keep moving forward.
Someday, her dream would find her.
Random Scholomance Quote of However Long It Takes Me To Get Bored of the Last One:
“Ancell: respecting personal boundaries to the detriment of his friends since 1993.” ~bookworm702
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby RavynousHunter » August 23rd, 2015, 9:03 am

An excerpt from an upcoming chapter of The Greater Evil (A FMA/Attack on Titan crossover):
Spoiler: show
“This,” Armin began, searching for words to describe what he was experiencing. “This is amazing!”

“Ooh,” Zoe said in a chipper voice, her head poking out the back of the transport. “Was that alchemy?”

“Yeah, it was,” Ed said, a measure of pride creeping into his voice. “It’s different from how most people do it, since they need an array to effect a transmutation, but it works just as well!”

“Edward,” Mikasa said, walking toward the alchemist. “Could you transmute my blades? I want to see what Armin’s on about.”

“Hehe,” Zoe giggled as Edward transmuted the blades in Mikasa’s hands. “Popular with the ladies, are you?”

“Don’t get any funny ideas!” Ed interjected, embarrassed.

“I…see,” Mikasa said, swinging her blades. “They feel different, but better.”

“Populaaaaar,” Zoe chirped.

“Squad Leader,” Commander Erwin warned, walking toward the group. “Don’t tease our allies, please.”
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby Aldraia Dragonsong » August 23rd, 2015, 7:55 pm

You really should form your own thread; it helps keep things together and reduces confusion, cutting down on the number of topic changes. In any case, never seen Attack on Titan, but you should describe the transmutation a little. Just saying he "transmuted them" is vague. Additionally, you should start this scene from the beginning. Talk about where they are, why they are conversing, why they are so friendly with each other, what they are doing wherever they are, what this "transport" is and why it is there, why they are allies and in what endeavor. This tiny fragment of a scene raises so many questions, and provides little incentive to care about them. From what you have here, though, Edward's character seems fairly intact, but I cannot comment on the others. You also have a good grasp of the mechanics of writing; no misspellings, and you earn points for using the verb "effect" correctly. You should put a space after the ellipsis, however.

Going to wait for comments on Emptiness And before posting the rewrites (also I am not done with them).
Random Scholomance Quote of However Long It Takes Me To Get Bored of the Last One:
“Ancell: respecting personal boundaries to the detriment of his friends since 1993.” ~bookworm702
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby RavynousHunter » August 23rd, 2015, 11:38 pm

You really should form your own thread; it helps keep things together and reduces confusion, cutting down on the number of topic changes. In any case, never seen Attack on Titan, but you should describe the transmutation a little. Just saying he "transmuted them" is vague. Additionally, you should start this scene from the beginning. Talk about where they are, why they are conversing, why they are so friendly with each other, what they are doing wherever they are, what this "transport" is and why it is there, why they are allies and in what endeavor. This tiny fragment of a scene raises so many questions, and provides little incentive to care about them. From what you have here, though, Edward's character seems fairly intact, but I cannot comment on the others. You also have a good grasp of the mechanics of writing; no misspellings, and you earn points for using the verb "effect" correctly. You should put a space after the ellipsis, however.

Going to wait for comments on Emptiness And before posting the rewrites (also I am not done with them).
Aye, I really should start a thread for my various writings, lol. Got three stories going, so far. I might do that sometime tomorrow, when I'm not either at school or working. :P
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby Aldraia Dragonsong » August 28th, 2015, 4:37 pm

Out of all of Dèjá vu, this is definitely the chapter I feel least certain about. It was very hard to write, and I still have this nagging feeling that something is wrong with it.
Spoiler: show
Underground

The Reaper’s Game was supposed to change the Players.
It wasn’t supposed to change the Composer.
Joshua therefore found himself with something of a problem.
It wasn’t only that this latest Game had changed him; that was more of an indicator. The real problem was that he had needed to change.
Seated on his throne in the heart of the Underground, Joshua brooded.
It would be easy to blame someone else. There were plenty of targets: Megumi, for failing; Neku, for changing; Hanekoma, for... being Hanekoma. Neku again, for not being able to shoot him. All of that, however, would be denying the truth.
His problems were, ultimately, his own fault.
When did it start? When did he stop caring about his duty as Composer... stop caring about Shibuya... stop caring about other people?
A cold feeling grew in his heart as he realized how long ago it was: when he was still alive.
No one had understood save Hanekoma. No one else could see it, see how fragile not only life but existence was. And knowing these things had made him wonder, did that existence really matter, if it could so easily be taken away? Did anything really matter, when it was all so easy to lose?
At first he thought that made it all the more precious. Although the seeds had been sown, they lay dormant, and he ran the Reaper’s Game for the dead’s well-being. But over time, he grew callous and bitter, seeing the worst sides of humanity brought out by their desperation. He stopped noticing the good, and saw only the selfishness and cruelty of Players and Reapers alike. And so he stopped caring.
That had been the turning point. For the Composer influences the Underground just as it influences the Composer. The flaws that had led him to consider destroying Shibuya... had been partly of his own making.
Megumi had been right in that he truly hadn’t meant it out of malice... well, not entirely out of malice. It was a last-ditch effort to stop the disaster he could see coming, because he was blind to where it was coming from.
And then he met Neku. And Neku surprised him.
His proxy had thought he found in Joshua a kindred spirit, and Joshua felt the same way. Neku was just like him, disillusioned with humanity and closed off from them because of it. He seemed a perfect final test for Shibuya, for if anyone was too stubborn to change, it was Neku.
And then he did.
If Neku, so cold and self-centered, could change, then perhaps it was not too late.
When he played his final game with Neku, he had already decided, just as he said... decided not to destroy Shibuya. What he wanted to know was... did Neku still consider him a friend?
Did his existence really matter?
Well, he had his answer. And not the one he expected.
“Only by allowing others in can we find new ways to be ourselves.”
Perhaps it was time he took his own advice.
I considered interspersing it with numerous flashbacks to reflect Joshua's... I have no idea what word I even want here. State of being, changing yet unchanging? In any event, when I tried that, it looked awkward.
Random Scholomance Quote of However Long It Takes Me To Get Bored of the Last One:
“Ancell: respecting personal boundaries to the detriment of his friends since 1993.” ~bookworm702
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby gman391 » August 28th, 2015, 9:17 pm

The turning point is probably where you need a small short of flashback just a name or a face to put to it. We react better to that sort of thing. So the piece would be stronger, at least in my opinion.
"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world."
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby Aldraia Dragonsong » September 5th, 2015, 3:46 pm

I made an error in using the phrase "turning point"; the intention was that there was no single pinpointable moment when things changed. It was a gradual slide, so gradual that Joshua did not notice it happening. I also did not want to make something like that up out of whole cloth, which I would have to because the game does not go into specifics of Joshua's past. There is no name or face, no event to flash back to.
Random Scholomance Quote of However Long It Takes Me To Get Bored of the Last One:
“Ancell: respecting personal boundaries to the detriment of his friends since 1993.” ~bookworm702
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby Aldraia Dragonsong » September 23rd, 2015, 9:15 pm

Still stalling out on A Wheel Spinning In Place, so I dug up this old Harry Potter idea.

In times of old when I was new,
And Hogwarts barely started,
The noble founders of our school
Thought never to be parted...
Spoiler: show
In Times of Old

One: The Noble Founders

A sword means courage to fight.
A chalice means trust to share.
A diadem means wisdom to rule.
A locket means secrets to keep.

Lo, Godric Gryffindor was renowned for his courage and his combat prowess. Slayer of dragons and defender of Muggle and wizard alike, he fought with equal skill with both sword and wand.

Lo, Rowena Ravenclaw was renowned for her knowledge and wisdom. Noble in both blood and heart, she ever sought the good of those she ruled over, and ever sought to expand her knowledge, the better to know the course of wisdom.

Lo, Helga Hufflepuff was renowned for her generosity and unfailing spirit. Never one to give up a righteous cause, Helga, like Rowena, was noble in blood and spirit alike, and ever sought the good of every man, woman and child, never resting when there was yet work to be done.

Lo, Salazar Slytherin was not renowned, for he knew that with renown came danger. He did, however, possess cunning to equal the matchless purity of his wizard blood, and with it amassed many followers, none of them knowing the full number of the others.


Two: For Were There Such Friends Anywhere

“Why do you keep getting us into these kinds of situations?” Salazar hissed.
“You were the one who said we should retreat to this cave!” Godric protested.
“And you were the one who picked a fight with them in the first place!”
“Did you really think I would do anything else?”
“...No,” Salazar admitted, “but I hoped you would at least stop and think for a moment before charging in.”
“Wasn’t time,” Godric grunted.
Salazar sighed.
“One of these days,” he said, flicking his wand for the last time, “your heroism is going to get us in trouble that your sword can’t get us out of.”
Godric swung that sword once more, adding a swish of his own wand in the combination that had made him a peerless warrior.
“Maybe so,” he conceded, “but that day is not today.”

Teaching the woman they had rescued some defensive and a little offensive magic along the way, they delivered her to her destination.
“Don’t travel alone, if you can avoid it,” Godric advised. “These are dangerous days.”
She nodded.
“Aye, I did try; but I couldn’t find anyone to come with me, and it couldn’t wait.”
“A pity,” Salazar said.
Godric bowed.
“Farewell to ye, then.”
Salazar added his own bow and farewell; the woman curtsied and added hers, and the men departed.
“She was one of yours, wasn’t she?” Godric said as they walked away from the town.
Salazar looked at him, eyebrows rising in surprise.
“And what gives you that idea?” he asked neutrally.
“The way she pretended not to recognize you, yet you obviously knew her,” Godric replied. “You’re never that relaxed around new people.”
Salazar laughed.
“My friend,” he said, “I must apologize for underestimating you. You are more observant than I gave you credit for.”
Godric smiled.
“I shall take that as a compliment.”
“Good,” said Salazar. “I meant it as one.”
Random Scholomance Quote of However Long It Takes Me To Get Bored of the Last One:
“Ancell: respecting personal boundaries to the detriment of his friends since 1993.” ~bookworm702
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby Dechstreme » December 22nd, 2015, 12:33 pm

Interesting. Anything more?
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby jgkitarel » December 23rd, 2015, 10:58 am

Definitely interesting. Depending on how you do it, you can show the breaking of that friendship to be very tragic indeed.
Also, I have to punch you, jgkitarel, because I spent a lot of time on the nanoha wiki trying to locate information on mages being trained due to being above a certain rank, only to remember and confirm that you were the one that came up with that. - Phht
Don't forget: Mass Effect is powered by magic space rocks. Evangelion is powered by Your Mom.
From his new fic Long Night of the Harvest

My current project on FFN, Mystic Knight Online
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Re: Assorted Random Writings

Unread postby Aldraia Dragonsong » April 22nd, 2016, 3:03 am

Sadly, no, I have not really managed to write anything more in that story, beyond an unfinished scene where Godric gives some of his followers a lecture on what courage and bravery really mean (doing things even though you are afraid, rather than not being afraid at all).
The breaking of that friendship being tragic is definitely what I am going for with that story, so thank you, Kitarel.
And speaking of tragedy...
In some sense, I should not have written this. I have not seen very much of this show and do not particularly like it. But it just... felt right.
Spoilers for the season 5 finale of Supernatural.
Spoiler: show
Unity of Purpose

Adam was Michael and Michael was Adam but Adam also wasn’t Michael and Michael wasn’t really Adam.
It felt like he was trapped inside a star, but at the same time like the star was inside him, and he could feel himself moving but he wasn’t the one deciding where to go, and he could see and hear and feel the world around him but it was muted, dulled, because the star was shielding him.
Being a passenger in his own body was really weird.
He could... sense... Michael, see/hear/know his thoughts as if they were his own, but Adam and Michael were still separate; Adam could tell which thoughts were his and which were Michael’s.
They saw Sam, standing there in the cemetery, only it wasn’t Sam and Michael could tell so Adam could too. Sam was there, but he wasn’t in control.
And then, suddenly, he was.
Sam threw the Horsemen’s rings to the ground and opened the gates of Hell, threw himself backwards into the Pit-
And Michael knew, knew, with the certainty only an angel can have, that Lucifer had turned against their Father, that he had Fallen, that it was Michael’s role to fight him at the End of Days-
But in that moment, all Michael saw was his brother falling.
And Adam knew, understood, as only a human could, that this wasn’t fair but it was necessary, that Sam would only be in control for a few moments, that there were other choices but they were all even worse-
But in that moment, all Adam saw was his brother falling.
Adam wasn’t Michael’s true vessel, not the way Dean was. Bloodline or no, Adam’s soul wasn’t like Michael’s, not the way Dean’s was. It hampered Michael, like he didn’t quite fit right in Adam’s body.
But for a moment, that didn’t matter.
Adam was Michael and Michael was Adam, and they cried out with one voice, reached out together, and caught their brothers.
For a moment, they hung there, all four of them, not quite damned and not quite saved, teetering on the precipice both figurative and literal.
Then Sam pulled and they were falling, falling, Falling.
As they fell into the deepest pit of Hell, Michael regretted trying to save his brother.
Adam didn’t.
Random Scholomance Quote of However Long It Takes Me To Get Bored of the Last One:
“Ancell: respecting personal boundaries to the detriment of his friends since 1993.” ~bookworm702
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