Darkandus requests criticism

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Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby Darkandus » August 27th, 2009, 3:33 pm

After finally getting some free time I have managed to edit some of my work to the point of not causing instant blindness and madness when viewed. As such I now post it for criticism in it's constructive form. Oh mighty writers of the forum, dismantle my work so I may improve upon it.

Warning: It's relatively long, contains cursing, an amature writing style, a laymans take on psychology, Anko, Ibiki, has a weak ending and contains a reference to a song from 1978.

Enjoy. (Hopefully)
Spoiler: show
Resurrecting a Heritage (Working title)

It was quite a trying day for Minato, the council was breathing down his neck and his sensei had been arguing with the Sandaime pretty much all day. On the bright side he was going to be a Dad in a very short space of time, and the nice panoramic windows in his office afforded an excellent view of the massive Fox Demon laying waste to the village. Minato tilted his head slightly as the oversized fluffball’s maw suddenly dropped open. Judging from the rattle off the reinforced windows and the large quantities of rubble flying about quite a few of his ninja had just been killed by a god damned roar.

“Fucking overpowered bitch!”

Fires traced the Demons path, cutting a swath through the forest, thankfully the murdering bitch hadn’t quite reached what was left of the walls yet. The smoke from its passage was unable to escape through the heavy rain clouds, forming a choking lair of acidic smog. Minato sighed as a flash of natural lightning in the distance confirmed the soon to be acid rain. “Marvellous.” A moment later, the thunder joined with his beloved Kushina's screams, prompting a wince of sympathetic pain on Minato‘s part.

The soft green glow of medical chakra gave a surreal cast to the room as a lone medic nin flitted about Kushina. Truthfully the medic shouldn’t have even been there, but after weighing the sheer enormity of the sacrifice his family was going to make for the village he felt it was fair the village make such a simple gesture as supplying the wellbeing of his wife. When Sarutobi had found out he had seemingly been of two minds, alternately giving him that patented “I am disappointed.” look or smiling at him as if to say the choice was the right way to go.

Minato was many things. Hell, he was a regular Renaissance Man, or whatever the ninja equivalent was. But he didn't define himself by those talents and skills, because in his humble opinion he felt he was much more than a talented sack of flesh. He was a husband, and he was going to be a father shortly. But on an even more basic level, for better or for worse, he was human, and that meant emotions that you can’t just slap down while retaining any sense of morality.

He knew how the people would see his son. Their saviour, his legacy, would be a monster to them. They would even hate his own precious Kushina, the mother of the 'beast.' His duties as Hokage, father and husband were...conflicting, to say the least. On an intellectual level, he knew what he had to do to save the village, but, on an emotional level, well, the boy would at least have his mother.

His wife's cries faded to panting, and she called him to her side. Minato hurried over, taking one of her small, pale hands into his own. They were sweaty, he noted over her laboured breathing.

“What is it my dearest love?”

Her response was halted every now and then by a low moan of pain but she forged on, despite the discomfort.

“I’ve been thinking, no matter what happens,” Kushina’s hand tightened around his with enough force to bring tears to his eyes, as a particularly strong contraction rocked her body. “Konoha is going to be weakened. Lots of the higher ranking ninja are going to die, you included.” Her hand tightened again, but this time it wasn’t due to a contraction. “You’re going to have to be replaced by the old goat again.”

He waited a moment for her pain to ease before posing the question he knew she was waiting for.

“What’s your idea my love?”

“After you seal the beast Konoha will need backup. The answer lies in Uzugakure.”

Minato frowned, worried that his wife might be delirious.

“Honey…Uzugakure has been destroyed for years.”

She fixed him with a stare, a mixture between “Do I look stupid?” and “Are you stupid?”

“I know Uzugakure is gone, but lots of it’s population escaped. If we reform it they will probably come back. I’ll find a country close by to serve as the base then we can set up an alliance once we‘re strong enough to help protect Konoha. Neither me or Naruto will be hated.”

“That…that might just work…”

“You need to get some people you trust together. When the time comes we’ll leave the village and start looking for others. Only the Sandaime and Jiriya can know the truth. Sarutobi can tell everyone that those you sent with me were killed fighting the Kyuubi. Go, we don’t have much time to set this up.

Minato ran from the room to find Sarutobi, unwilling to seek him with Hirashin. His need to conserve chakra paramount in his mind. As he was trying to find his predecessors Chakra signal he started thinking about his wife’s idea, theoretically it was sound but he didn’t know if it could actually be accomplished. All he could do was supply her with a few trustworthy people and believe in her judgement. It was probably the only chance of a decent outcome they had. It was definitely the only chance his son and his wife had for a decent future.

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Coming to a stop outside the office he heard his predecessor and Sensei’s voices drift through the door, opening it and slipping inside he softly closed the door and sealed the room instantly to prevent prying eyes and ears. It was somewhat disheartening that even during the greatest crisis in the villages history he still had to guard against spies. Turning around he saw Jiriya and Sarutobi smoothing out their clothes, apparently they had been grappling, about to come to blows over some stupid little thing.

“I’d ask why you were about to start beating the hell out of each other but right now we have more important things to discuss.”

Jiriya spoke up first, his voice still had a bit of an edge to it as he glared sullenly at his own sensei out of the corner of his eye.

“And what would that be Minato? Shouldn’t you be with Kushina right now, or have you come to help me tell this old fool that he doesn’t have the strength to seal the Kyuubi. If anyone should do it, it should be me. I have the least to lose.”

The deathly pale Sandaime rolled his eyes.

“You still have much of your life to lead, that is why I must do it. I may be sick but I can still seal the damn Demon Fox, Jiriya.”

“Oh, and you’d be willing to place all of Konoha on a fools bet? Tsunade must have rubbed off on you more than I expected.”

Minato slammed his fist into the wall, shaking the room and sending cracks spidering through the plaster.

“GOD DAMN IT, I SAID WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DISCUSS!”

Both Jiriya and Sarutobi froze as Minato’s voice reverberated throughout the room in a half echo, never in all their years had they heard Minato voice sound so full of venom. His voice echoed until there was naught but a deathly silence. When he spoke again his voice was caustic.

“I am going to seal the beast because I am the Hokage and it’s MY son who is going to be turned into a DAMN prison, I don’t give a FUCK about your petty argument right now. I need your God damned help.”

“You!” He spat, turning towards his Sensei, “Are going to do two things, firstly you are going to make up so many stories about what happened here that no-one will know which is right, the only two things that will be consistent with every story is that the Demon is dead and Konoha is strong. Then you are going to spread that story over every country you have contacts in. The second thing you are going to do is track down people with safe bloodlines, clans who are unhappy with their current arrangements and people who would make good Shinobi. When the time is right you are going to send the most trustworthy of them to Kushina.”

“Why?” He tried to say, but Minato just blanked him as he turned to Sarutobi.

“You have to take back your position as Hokage until you can find a decent successor. When you get into office, some Shinobi are going to have disappeared without a trace. You are going to say they are dead. In reality they are going to be with Kushina and my son who are also going to be classified dead.”

Now both Sarutobi and Jiriya fixed him with a stare, making it clear that unless he had a sane reason they would do no such thing.

“Kushina had an idea, Uzugakure was destroyed but most of it’s nin are still alive, scattered to the winds. The first part of the plan is going to be finding a decent location and recruiting some of the more prominent unaligned Uzu Shinobi, then she is going to rebuild Uzugakure and side with Konohagakure, that way Konoha has backup while it’s weak and my wife and child will be in positions of respect instead of being hated.”

Both men seemed to mull it over before Jiriya finally spoke.

“It’s a solid idea, I’ll give you that, but do you think Kushina can pull it off? Don’t get me wrong, She is a smart, capable and powerful woman but she’s hardly leadership material on that kind of scale, to be honest she’s a bit of a hothead and the logistics of setting up a minor village are pretty damn terrifying.”

Minato smiled wistfully.

“Yeah, she may be a hothead and doesn’t really have any practical experience. But she is also my main adviser, strong willed, and has a way of making people believe in her, she can do it. I know she can.”

At this Sarutobi spoke up.

“How many Shinobi are you going to send? And which one’s for that matter? If you send too many strong Ninja Konoha will be weakened, if you send too few and they are too weak Kushina will be in danger and won’t have the foundation needed for this, the new Uzu will collapse before it can begin.”

“I was thinking, Gekko Hayate, Mitarashi Anko, Shiranui Genma, Morino Ibiki, Uzuki Yuugao and Tenzou.”

Jiriya took the chance to jump in with his assessment of the choices.

“Oh, that’s perfe-ARE YOU INSANE! First of all six ninja. Six? And not one of them Jonín! And then the ones you picked. You want to send your wife and newborn son out into the world on a ridiculously dangerous mission with a barely graduated genin so sick he would be lucky to make twenty, a psychologically disturbed chuunin who was used as a lab rat by Orochimaru, a rookie with no apparent skills, a man who is shaping up to be the next head of T&I with all of the psychological abnormalities someone of that position cultivates, another low level practically cannon fodder chuunin and one of Orochimaru’s abandoned projects?! What the hell are you smoking because I could damn well use some of it.”

“You’ve gone a little red in the face Sensei. Maybe you should have stopped to breathe in the middle of your rant.”

Jiriya was about to verbally tear Minato a new one, he never got the chance as Minato cut in over him.

“No Sensei, I’m intending to send my wife and newborn son out into the world on a ridiculously dangerous mission with a Kenjutsu prodigy, a Sannin trained assassination specialist, an all rounder, a psychological specialist, a Chuunin with Jonín level tracking skills and a Bloodline carrier that has the ability to suppress the Demon if something goes wrong when Naruto is older.”

“Oh sure, it sounds good when you put it like that but-”

“But nothing Sensei, the most important thing of all is in their loyalty tests all of them fell into the highest rank. Even Anko.”

“Great, but you still haven’t explained why none of them are Jonín and you’re only sending six.”

“Fine, you want to know why? It’s so if any of them find out and decide to turn on her, Kushina will be able to destroy them, that’s why the numbers are low, that’s why there are no Jonín.”

At this Sarutobi jumped into the conversation, it was harsh but it had to be said.

“He‘s right Jiriya, the highest rank of loyalty is just “High probability of not betraying the village“, It’s a high probability, not an iron bound one hundred percent chance that they will never betray us, we’re ninja, we might genuinely hope there is but sadly there is no such thing as absolute loyalty in the shadows.”

Minato’s recently reigned in anger started to crack, revealing the deep sorrow and steel will of one who knows and has accepted that they will die so that others may live.

“I just… you both have to understand, what other choice do I have?”

Sarutobi tilted his head back, taking in a deep breath and released it slowly.

“Fine.”

Minato and Sarutobi turned towards Jiriya, his student and his Sensei effectively double teaming him. He ground his teeth at the foolishness, the sheer audacity, the unimaginable and unmistakable gut feeling that it might work.

Sometimes Jiriya hated his gut feelings.

“Alright, you don’t have to stare at me, I’ll do it.”

Minato nodded his thanks towards them both and set out to round up the Ninja he had chosen.

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The six nin stood in a rough semicircle in front of the Hokage’s desk, all of them bar Hayate and Genma were soot stained and wounded, and they only managed to avoid it because none of the genin had to fight yet. However under the Hokage’s order’s they appeared before him with enough supplies for an extended black op in a war zone. Minato stood with his back to them as black rain fell and streaked down the recently cracked window he was looking through.

The window framed the Kyuubi’s approach, intimidating the six as they looked past the Hokage and at the beast. Without turning around the Hokage spoke.

“The six of you have been chosen for a mission, the very survival of Konoha rests on your shoulders. As such this mission is S ranked.”

At this the six fidgeted, confused and some of them fearful that they would be sent to somehow defeat the Kyuubi. They did not speak this fear however. They waited for their Kage’s instructions.

“As of today you are no longer officially Konoha nin. In fact, as of today you are officially dead.”

The looks of confusion on their faces deepened.

“The Kyuubi’s attack on Konoha will leave us weakened and left in a position where we may be taken advantage of or destroyed. We cannot allow that. You are to leave and go wait one hundred and twenty seven miles east of here. You will set up camp at Hana outpost, there should be no-one there, if there is you are to kill them, they cannot know who you are. You are to maintain that position until someone comes carrying a scroll with my personal seal in blue wax and the code-word Sora in Blue Kanji embossed on it.”

Minato turned around to face them.

“You will ask the question, Who holds our orders? The counter will be Mr. Blue Sky. If they say anything else you are to kill them. The person who legitimately holds the scroll is your commander on this mission and you will treat them as if they are your Kage. If the person who contacts you isn’t the legitimate holder you are to find and reclaim your commander, living or dead. If dead, return to Konoha. If the commander is alive they will carry all the information you require for this mission to be successful. This is a lifelong mission. Ibiki is leader until your commander shows up. It should take them a week at most to get there. Are there any questions?”

Yamato stood forward.

“Will we be receiving reinforcements?”

“Reinforcements are to be procured during the mission. You will be unable to call on any of Konoha’s resources unless you manage to succeed in your first major objective.”

“We are to procure help from allied villages then?”

“No. Your commander will have the details. They will inform you as and when you need to know.”

Yamato stood back in line.

“If that is all? You are dismissed. You have ten minutes to leave the village and be on your way. Good luck.”

The six saluted him and left as fast as possible. Minato paused a second before taking off his hat and placing it on his desk. He sat down and wrote a scroll to his son. As soon as it was finished he took off his still shiny and only slightly dented and nicked forehead protector. He buffed it on his sleeve before sliding it into a small parcel along with the letter-scroll. He took a spare headband from a drawer in his desk and fastened it around his forehead as he left to wait with Kushina.

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After ordering a retreat of his forces he summoned Gamabunta for the last time. He was starting to get sick of that phrase, every last time he passed he came closer to his last breath, his last memory, his last look at his son. Oh, his son, his precious beautiful son. The only chance of seeing him again was if something terrible happened. He hated himself for this.

Turning to Gamabunta he bowed slightly in greeting.

“So Bunta, ready to kick ass and take names with me one last time?”

“You bet kid! Lets make it one for the ages.”

He secured himself to Bunta’s head with Chakra as the massive Toad leapt in to engage in mortal combat with the raging beast, slashing at it with his tower sized Tanto, giving Minato time to prepare the hand seals.

As the beast roared Bunta crossed his arms in front of himself to shield against the chakra infused wind, holding his blade up to defend Minato and his son. The Kyuubi took the opportunity to take a downward swipe at Bunta’s face.

The blow was crushing but Bunta cast all his might into a parry, preventing half his face from being torn off, however one of Kyuubi’s claws still had the reach to tear a gouge into his face, almost taking out his eye, giving him a scar to match the one on the left side of his face. The ground underneath Gamabunta had already cracked, but it was starting to buckle under the force, a few more hits like that and his Tanto would smash, leaving him in a hole large enough to serve as his grave, that was if the Kyuubi didn’t eat him after killing him.

“Hurry up kid, this bastard is on a different level to me, I can’t take too many of those hits or I’m dead.”

“Sorry Bunta, I need a few more seconds.”

The Kyuubi started drawing chakra towards his mouth, compressing it down. The massive Toad, closest he had ever come to worried, liked to believe he only sounded just the tiniest bit rushed.

“HURRY UP KID, WE DON’T HAVE A FEW SECONDS!”

The sheer desperation in Gamabunta’s voice made Minato speed up faster than he thought possible.

The beast drew back its head, light shining between the gaps in it’s massive teeth. When it snapped it’s head back down it was going to be all over. In an act of total desperation Gamabunta thrust forward with his Tanto, nailing shut the Kyuubi’s maw as the pressure approached it’s maximum. The titanic force proved to be too much for the beast to contain. In a titanic explosion it’s head and part of it’s upper body exploded off, flattening trees for almost a mile and setting those closest on fire.

Just as the pyrotechnics ended the Shinigami came into the Mortal realm. It seized the still formed part of the Kyuubi before dragging it into Naruto and sealing the energy away.

The remnants of the Kyuubi, thrown away in the blast, quickly drew together into a significantly smaller form. Minato, exhausted as he was, tried to get the Shinigami to make a lunge for the recovering beast but his chakra just wasn‘t enough. The Fox shakily rose to it’s feet before stumbling away disorientated. A string of choice curses left Minato’s mouth as he staggered forward along the head of the stunned and badly burned Gamabunta, the remains of the toads massive Tanto still gripped in his bleeding hand. The Shinigami trailed behind Minato seemingly to indulge the mortal.

“Bunta, BUNTA! Get off your lazy Yakuza ass or you’re going to make your family a laughing stock.”

Bunta’s eye’s opened seemingly out of sheer annoyance.

“Pah, I still have the energy to kick your disrespectful ass.”

“Then wake the hell up, shrink down, get off your broken up ass and take my son to Kushina, don’t stop for anything and don’t let anyone see you.”

Minato was starting to look paler with every passing second, they both knew his time was almost up.

“Yeah, yeah. Even on the brink of death you’re a pain. I‘m going to miss you kid. Want me to give a message to your girl?”

Minato placed the gently wrapped up Naruto onto the waiting tongue of the Toad boss. Taking a moment to caress the child’s cheek with his now shaking hand.

“Nah, she knows I love her anyway…actually. Tell her that I think she looks prettier with her hair up.”

Minato leaned in to give Naruto a kiss on the forehead. As his vision started to go dark he burned the image of Naruto sleeping into his failing mind.

“Huh?”

Gama started shrinking down to a smaller size until he was about the height of a small house. He gently stored Naruto in his mouth.

“Before all this…I…bought her a…new hair clip… never got the….chance to see her use it...”

Minato stumbled down to the ground, tripping over some exposed and charred roots, but managing to keep his footing. He staggered over to a miraculously still standing tree. Placing his back against it he slid down until he was sitting.

“Even…if…Naruto… doesn’t get…the summoning scroll…look after…him…for me…Bun…ta.”

His head slowly dropped to his chest as he grew silent, the Shinigami disappearing soon afterwards.

Bunta stood there, his head down slightly. He really would miss the kid, he would look after this Gaki like he was his own. After he delivered the infant to Kushina he would have to go have a word with Jiriya he’d be damned if the kid didn’t sign the summoning scroll. He shrunk down further until he was the size of a horse and hopped off into the darkness.

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Kushina had hardly given birth twenty minutes earlier when Jiriya and Sarutobi appeared at her bedside with a bundle of cloth. The medic nin who had been tending to her finished up the last of the treatments, a desperate attempt to make the fatigued woman capable of travel. The med nin turned before bowing low to Sarutobi as the newly reinstated Hokage began the Jutsu to modify his memory. A few seconds later the Med nin collapsed, unconscious, as all the important information was sealed away, being replaced with mundane conversations and the tragic death of Mother and Son.

When the village discovered the death of the Fourth’s family it would become yet another reason to mourn, but better that than many of the possible alternatives.

Kushina’s voice was heartbreaking, cracking as she kept her composure as rigid as she could.

“So…the Jutsu worked as Minato thought it would?”

Jiriya looked down, his face full of pain. His normal, cheerfully perverted personality completely submerged. “Yeah…his soul is in Naruto, guarding the seal. He is partially aware but he can’t do anything unless something goes wrong and even then it will probably only be a once off thing. The soul can only affect so much when outside of the body before it gets taken to wherever they go. At least he wasn’t eaten by the Shinigami, the kid was too good for that fate.”

Kushina held out her arms as Sarutobi gently passed the child to her.

“I know this is hard for you Kushina, but you must understand that Naruto isn’t Minato in the exact same way as he isn’t the Kyuubi. If you treat him like he is it the former it will destroy him just as surely as the villagers treating him as the latter.”

Kushina’s eyes met his and he felt as if his soul would shatter. The barely suppressed pain in them hurt more than the sharpest Kunai.

“I know Sarutobi-san. He is Uzumaki Namikaze Naruto. Son of Namikaze Minato, he is my son. That is more than enough.”

Jiriya passed her a backpack full of storage scrolls before running through what each one contained that was necessary for the journey. He eventually got through the entire list before taking a pot of ink and a brush out of an inside pocket. After asking Kushina’s permission he sketched a seal onto the forehead of the sleeping child.

“This seal will last at most seven days, it will silence his cries after a two feet perimeter so you can hear him but no-one else will unless they get so close it won‘t matter anyway. It also lets sound in so you won’t have to worry about not hearing incoming people. It has the added effect of shielding him from any fast approaching object but that will need to be charged with your own Chakra, it’s a rush job so it also drains Chakra at an incredible rate. It would leave me dead or unconscious after five or six uses so you have two max, if you were well you might be able to pull out five. Any more and you will die. Only use it as a last resort.”

Kushina nodded numbly as she got up from the bed with Naruto in her arms. After reluctantly passing the child to Sarutobi she went behind a lone medical screen to get dressed properly. After putting on her combat gear she threw on her flak jacket, zipping it up before grabbing the back pack Jiriya had given her. She swung it onto her shoulders before fastening on her usual leg and hip pouches. When she came out she stood before them, looking lost, she took Naruto back into her arms, her eyes becoming somewhat more focused. She paused a moment before finally nodding and leaving to slip out of the village.

Sarutobi’s sigh was easy to interpret as he went up to the roof with Jiriya to make the announcements to the gathering nin.

“I hope we did the right thing by sending them away.”

Judging from the roars of pain and hatred that encompassed the village it seemed they had.

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Kushina had covered sixty seven miles in three days. It was a laughable pace for a ninja but it was to be expected. She was still making remarkable speed for her condition. Over and over again in a low whisper she chanted the words that were driving her, that were stopping her from crumpling to her knees and crying herself to death, her mouth felt dry. She would have to drink soon. Naruto would wake soon and he would need to feed too.

“Doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto.”

Three days…she held him as tightly as she dared. Nothing would take him away. Nothing.

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On the afternoon of the seventh day she finally came within a few hundred yards of where the outpost should be. She stopped before using a Jutsu to camouflage herself and Naruto completely. After a few seconds she made a Kage Bunshin. She ordered it forward to scope the place out. As it went to leave it stopped and looked down at it’s arms, moving them uselessly as if to hold a Naruto it didn’t have. She would not let a Bunshin have him, even if it only held a copy. The Bunshin turned back and reached out pleadingly towards the real Naruto, a dead look in it’s eyes, before Kushina compelled it to leave. Tears rolled down the face of the Bunshin Kushina as it was rebuked, it’s eyes rapidly becoming totally devoid of life. It turned mechanically and left to accomplish it’s mission.

After a few minutes she received the information from the dispersed clone. She ruthlessly crushed the terrible and profound feeling of loss the Kage Bunshin had been experiencing before it’s mind broke. That done she began sifting through the recent knowledge she had gained.

The first piece of important information she retrieved was the location of the building. A squat, thick slab of tan rock. It’s upper floor narrower than it’s bottom floor by a considerable amount. The walls enclosing the roof and second floor were coated liberally in spikes to prevent people climbing over it or hiding against it, the rock that made up the building itself looked to be the regular Konoha outpost affair which meant seal and steel reinforced. The outpost would undoubtedly also have the regular outer seal defences.

As for the shinobi component of the outpost, Anko had probably been guarding the door, she couldn’t tell for sure because of the extremely skilled application of a middle ranking camouflage Jutsu that took the clone a few seconds of concentrated observation to confirm. A minute after that “Anko” had changed guards with Hayate. His attempt at hiding was using Henge after he had taken up position. It would have been a relatively good showing were it not for the fact that he became a bush in an area that had been obviously cleared for line of sight after waltzing out like it was a day at the park . If it was an enemy masquerading as the genin they were very skilled at their job of showing an almost naïve level of ability.

After that the clone had went around the perimeter of the forest looking out for other guards she could possibly identify, she stopped halfway around when she spotted someone stalking across the roof. It wasn’t as good a job as “Anko” but still impressive in it’s own right. Probably Yuugao. Tracking specialists were inevitably skilled in hiding as not only did you have to hide from who you were hunting so as not to alert them to your presence, you had to think like someone who was being stalked by enemies.

Somewhat satisfied Kushina created another Kage Bunshin. She destroyed it’s awareness before it even formed, linking up her senses to it’s own to use it as a puppet. The Bunshin reached down into one of Kushina’s hip pouches. Withdrawing the confirmation scroll Minato had written, for the smallest of moments a spark of life seemed to appear in it’s eyes, gone before it could truly exist. It turned and trudged wearily to a few feet away from the tree line, hidden partially behind some bushes and a fallen log. The Bunshin quickly pulled up a face mask before tying up it’s hair and covering it with a bandana. It would be unwise to let them know who she was straight off the bat. Using the medium of the Kage Bunshin, Kushina made a quick series of birdcalls that even a genin like Hayate would know meant “Friendly approaching, do not attack.”

The ‘bush’ rustled a little bit as Hayate probably reached for a Kunai and his Black ops headset. An intense heat shimmer came into existence as the bases defences were activated. The door set into the rock swung open as a bear of a teenager, bigger than most grown men, cautiously stepped out. Ibiki, if she wasn’t mistaken. He stood with apparent disdain but to a trained eye he was ready to move or attack in any direction. The Kushina Bunshin slowly slid out from behind her concealment. Both hands out to the side.

“Don’t move. Just say yes or no. Do you have it?”

“Yes.”

“Reach for it, slowly, and without any sudden movements show me the seal and the Kanji.”

Kushina slowly turned the scroll to show the Blue seal and the silver Sora Kanji.

“Who holds our orders.”

“Mr blue sky.”

“O.k. now unseal it.”

With a quick application of Chakra the seal unlocked and Kushina held it at the ready.

“Toss it over.”

She threw it underhand, its lazy arc terminating as it struck the heat shimmer where it slowed and stopped as if stuck in a web. Ibiki reached forward easily, grabbing it before having to exert visible strain to pull his arm back through the barrier. He seemed to warily examine the scroll before scanning it with chakra. Cautious, he pulled the scroll open slowly, suspicious of any traps that might catch him off guard and send him to an early grave, If there was enough of him left to bury. After a few seconds of not turning into a red mist he seemed to relax ever so slightly.

“It’s legitimate. Welcome to Fort Hana Commander, although I am curious as to why it took you so long to get here. We were worried you had been intercepted.”

Kushina did not move, she did however speak up.

“There is an indecently dressed ninja among you, what is her previous Sensei’s lucky charm?”

Ibiki looked confused for a second before using his radio and whispering into it, after a few seconds he nodded.

“The skin of a white snake.”

Kushina began to walk forward. Appeased.

“Thank you Morino-san. If you would, escort me around the facility, we will be here for a number of days before we can move. Afterwards I want to get settled in for an hour, after that everyone will have to report for briefing.”

As the barrier deactivated she walked past Ibiki before stopping.

“For future reference you need to work on your stealth skills Gekko-San. A performance such as yours will lead to a fast death, this is a mission, not a picnic.”

The clone walked on.

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Ibiki, Anko, Yuugao and Genma were dispersed across the quite large living space. It had space enough for twenty people and it’s furnishings were comfortable enough. Anko and Ibiki were playing cards at a table while Yuugao paced anxiously around the room. Genma sat on a sofa on the other side of the room, flicking through a magazine on musical instruments. An assorted pile of magazines lay on the coffee table across from him.

Everyone was agitated to one degree or another, no-one knew who their Commander was or what they looked like, all they could tell was she was female. Not knowing about someone was a hazardous business for a shinobi.

After another round of pacing on the part of Yuugao, Anko started tapping her foot in exasperation. The rookie Chuunin’s pacing was annoying as hell and Anko had already been pissed for days. Then the commander bitch just shows up well after she should have and locks herself in a room after going through a tour of the place without saying a word. Just as she was about to tear into the Chuunín, Genma threw his magazine down. After that he stood up and grabbed the girl, pulling her out her out of the room. Surprised, Anko turned her head to Ibiki, one of her eyebrows raised.

“A bit forward wasn’t he? I’m surprised she didn’t punch him out for dragging her off.”

Ibiki grinned at her.

“You don’t realise how much killing intent you were releasing, do you? You had shocked her into a cycle. I was just wondering how long it would take for the kid to drag her out of the room before you killed her. Especially considering he was a step away from pissing his pants. I‘m surprised he managed it at all. Good thing you weren‘t angry at him.”

“Shit. I was making her pace? For how long?”

“About thirty minutes.”

“And you didn’t tell me?”

Another smirk from Ibiki. “A man needs entertainment.”

“Scarred bastard.”

“Snake bitch.”

“Heh, I love you too Ibiki-tan.”

“…I‘m going to wake up with snakes in my bed again, aren‘t I?”

“Maybe if you win this hand you might just find a pretty purple haired snake in your bed.”

“Manda has a human form?”

“Virgin.”

“Cock tease.”

“Torture freak.”

“Whore in training.”

“I do love it when you talk dirty to me Ibiki-tan.”

“Hurry up and deal the cards, and no cheating this time. I’m still not happy about buying you that crate of Dango and finding out you screwed me over after you finished the whole thing. You didn’t even share.”

A grin from Anko later and she started tossing out the cards.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Kage Bunshin proxy had calmed down enough to think objectively for a while, she needed to confirm whether or not any of her forces would freak out about her son being a Jinchurikki. She would have to be prepared to kill all of them if they reacted badly. She had already filled the place with camouflaged explosive notes. If they react negatively, shadow proxy activates them and boom, no more problem on that front. The only difficulty was it would create a whole new array of problems.

The thought of killing some of the younger ex-Konoha ninja’s made her feel sick, but no-one was more important than Naruto, he was all she really had left now, even if she started to rebuild her life it would mean nothing without him.

Sighing after breaking out of her internal conflict she called all the ninja in, replacing those on guard with two of her own Kage Bunshins. After the six assembled before her she calmly cleared her throat and began.

“Do you trust the Fourth?”

A series of confused nods greeted her question.

“Completely? With your very lives and every ounce of your beings?”

A variety of positive answers poured forth from the nin’s mouths. Confusion and apprehension in their tones.

“Do you trust him enough to believe whatever he did was enough to prevent the Kyuubi from harming us ever again? That anything he did would be enough to protect everyone?”

Tired of the games Anko shouted, “Of course we do you stupid bitch, he’s probably the only person who’s never fucked anyone around. He wouldn’t put us deliberately in danger.”

Her mask hid it but Kushina had a small smile at the brash Kunoichi’s response. She turned a baleful glare at everyone else.

“And do you all feel the same as this girl?”

Each of them nodded without hesitation.

“What if I told you the Kyuubi’s alive and the Fourth is dead.”

Everyone froze, not even their hearts seemed to beat.

“That’s…so Konoha…it’s gone? Everyone is dead?”

Tenzou had been the first to break the silence, his question had the others staring at him in disbelief before turning to Kushina for confirmation.

Now this, this would be where things got tricky.

“Fortunately not. Konoha is lucky enough that it had two hero’s protecting it during the final fight.”

“Who? Jiriya?”

“Before I tell you, you have to understand something. What I will tell you is the greatest secret you will ever hear in your entire lives. If you betray it I will end you, even if I have to spend the rest of my life hunting you down, if you want you can leave now. But you will never be able to come back.”

The six stood steadfast in their resolve.

“The second hero was the son of the fourth Hokage.”

All but Ibiki and Genma stood dumbfounded, Genma started yelling in disbelief.

“But that’s impossible! Even if he had one his son couldn’t possibly be more than a baby!”

Ibiki however went white in the face.

“Jinchurikki. The Power of Human sacrifice.”

Kushina regarded the man warily before seeing if anyone else picked up on the implications.

“You are correct Morino-san. The Kyuubi was sealed into the son of Namikaze Minato and Uzumaki Kushina. I am not entirely aware of the mechanics of the seal but what I do know is the child‘s mind is completely unaffected by the Demon.”

Yuugao was the first to break the renewed bout of silence.

“How did Konoha react?”

“How do you think they would react, angry, hurt, looking for someone to blame. Any child in that position would be no more than a target for their hate.”

“Then…then we’ve got to go back! We can’t just leave him like that, he’s a hero!”

“Ah, the shining fervour in her eyes. Perhaps she can be trusted.”

“And how do the rest of you feel about protecting the child?”

A flurry of approval met Kushina’s question, despite all her concentration she couldn’t detect any malice towards Naruto. She had reached the end of the game and had to play her hand.

“Your approval is good. As you all feel this way I am glad to tell you that we will not need to return to Konoha to rescue the child as he is outside the bunker.”

Six pairs of eyes locked on her own as she smiled to herself in self satisfaction, she slowly gave them a moment to let the implications sink in, waiting for one of them to react first. Surprisingly the first to break the silence was the as of yet remarkably quiet young Genin Hayate, who broke into a coughing fit strong enough to bring an unhealthy looking crimson to his pallid face. Genma lightly struck the back of the coughing Genin as Ibiki handed the boy a canteen.

“So I take it no-one has questions?”

Anko finally found her voice as evidenced by her profuse swearing, Yuugao still seemed dazed which left Tenzou to ask the relevant questions.

“If I might ask, commander-san, who are you, why do you have the child and what exactly is our mission?”

With that, the Kushina clone removed her bandanna and mask startling everyone in the room.

“K-Kushina-Sama?”

“I suppose this answers your first two questions Tenzou-san. As for the last, our objective is to reform Uzugakure and align it with Konoha. Fortunately this will be easier than it could be. I’m on par with a Sannin and my family was well liked in Uzu. Konoha and Uzu also had pretty good relations when Uzu was still up and running. We need to draw some of the stronger Uzu nin to us to form a group the lesser Uzu nin will rally to. But I’m getting ahead of myself. First we need to decide on a good location for the village and take time to plan out our actions, so we’re going to be here for a few days. We have about a week before a Konoha patrol sweeps by to make sure this outpost hasn’t been taken over and secure it again. We’ll leave in four days just to be sure we aren’t spotted. Any more questions? Dismissed.”

And with that the clone dispersed. Kushina’s real body sat still in the tree line as her consciousness slowly started to become whole again. After twenty seconds she managed to regain her feet, calming the fidgeting Naruto with a few soft words as she ran her fingers through his hair before making another few Kage Bunshin as a body guard. Things might seem to be going well with the six under her command but trust was only given away by fools. The clones were now less insistent on having Naruto’s of their own. The need to protect the real one overriding the need to feel the comfort of having fake, lifeless, copies in their arms.

The group of Kushina’s entered the bunker. Hoping that things would work out.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been three days since Kushina had come to the Outpost. The only time any of her ninja saw her was brief glimpses as she sent out a few Kage Bunshin to replace the ones on watch or to fetch things for her. She had locked herself away from the group. Everyone but Yuugao felt a foreboding whenever they went near the door, Yuugao herself had always admired Kushina, even being on speaking terms with the woman and her Husband. It broke her heart to see the loud, proud and strong Kunoichi seemingly shattered by this disaster. Every day she went to the door. Knocking on it to remind the Kunoichi that even though she fed Naruto she would have to eat as well. Reminding her to sleep. To drink water lest she get dehydrated. The once cheerful woman would send out a Kage Bunshin to bring back whatever Yuugao reminded her of, but after talking to them on the first day she didn’t say a word.

Yuugao, worried, went to Ibiki for his opinion.

Sitting down next to the man on a couch she spoke of her worries, the man only nodding every now and then to show he was paying attention while he flicked through a year old magazine on gardening.

“Don’t push her Yuugao, She fears us.”
“What are you talking about Ibiki. Kushina has never been afraid of anything.”

Ibiki could only roll his eyes.

“Not for herself, she knows her limits and they far exceed ours, but she is afraid for her Child. Think about what she said earlier, if the truth about Naruto hadn’t been revealed in the way it was things might have gone differently, with such temperamental creatures as humans it is best to take a cautious approach. She could kill all six of us easier than you would ever believe, and she is completely prepared to do so. Don’t force her hand or you just might find a Kunai in your ribs.”

Sighing, the man closed the magazine before looking at her, placing the magazine down beside himself.

“Personally I can understand where she is coming from. If it where my child that had become Jinchurikki I wouldn’t trust any of you either, especially not if it held the Kyuubi so soon after the destruction. Frankly, leaving Konoha was probably the smartest thing she could have done to protect Naruto. Just give her some time to calm down and relax before you do anything stupid.”

Yuugao understood where he was coming from, but she didn’t have to like it, and she made her opinion known.
“But it’s not healthy for her or the baby to be cooped up in that room all the time. I haven’t even seen her leave to use the toilet.”

Ibiki leaned back into the couch, lacing his fingers together.

“Firstly there are Jutsu to dispose of human waste, secondly it might surprise you to know that pretty much everything you have come to care about and rely on being taken away from you is a devastating occurrence. It might also surprise you that when something like this happens to a person they will generally become extremely protective and violent if they perceive anything they care about to be threatened.”

Ibiki’s voice took on a lecturing tone as he leaned forward tossing the closed magazine onto the table.

“In this case try and visualise what would happen if this was combined with someone who cared about something that would usually be readily discriminated against. Imagine that person, who cares about something that was almost guaranteed to be universally hated, had the power to close her hand around your skull and crush it like an egg faster than your comparatively feeble chuunin level chakra enhanced brain could comprehend.”

After sighing Ibiki stopped for a moment, rubbing the bridge of his nose before continuing.

“There is no doubt in my mind that she would have killed any one of us but you if we had shown as much interest as you have at this point. She trusts you, to an extent, because of your pre existing relationship. Probably everyone else from Konoha is an enemy until proven otherwise. As I said before, you can push further than anyone here but don’t push too far until she’s ready or you have an exceptionally good reason. Unless you want to be handed your still-beating heart?”

Yuugao grimaced for a moment before speaking.

“I have to say you and Anko-san are taking this very well, the others are nervous.”

Ibiki’s mouth twitched up at the corner as he considered his answer.

“Well there is a simple reason for that, panicking in this situation would probably be detrimental to my life expectancy. As for Anko-Chan, she’s calm because she’s already prepared to die and has planned several ways to try kill Kushina-san.”

“WHAT!”

Yuugao slapped her hands over her mouth before looking around and leaning in closer to Ibiki, her voice coming out in a harsh whisper.

“What do you mean she’s planned to kill Kushina-san?!”

“Firstly Anko has a plan to kill everybody, she says it‘s bad business not to when you‘re an assassin. Secondly-”

Suddenly a pair of arms and a dozen snakes wrapped around Yuugao, before a breathy, playful voice spoke softly right next to her ear.

“What’s this Ibiki-Kun, telling tales?”

The air from Anko’s speech tickled Yuugao’s ear, making her twitch away, Anko, noticing moved in to playfully lick it before biting down on it rather painfully.

“Be careful what you go around asking people, some don’t like their secrets getting out.”

Releasing Yuugao’s ear she stood up to her full height. Placing her hands on Yuugao‘s shoulders she glared down at Ibiki, practically snarling, her grip and the snakes tightened painfully on Yuugao.

“And as for you!”

Her glare turned into a sadistic smile as she leaned towards him, giving Ibiki an eyeful as she spoke in a mock whisper.

“I wouldn’t go around gossiping like a woman unless you want to lose what makes you a man.”

Ibiki flashed one of his trademark smirks.

“Wouldn’t dream of it Anko, tell me, how did the Dango turn out after?”

Anko suddenly started beaming.

“Oh, they didn’t stock the kitchen with all the ingredients to make really awesome ones but they were still pretty damn good!”

Twitching in pain and quite intimidated, Yuugao’s voice was barely above a whisper

“Eh, can you please let me go Anko-san?”

Anko looked down, surprise all over her face as she completely forgot Yuugao was there. To Yuugao’s immense relief she released her grip and the snakes before shrugging nonchalantly, Ibiki’s eyes concentrated on the interesting movement of her developing assets just like Anko had planned.

“Window shopping Ibiki?”

“Yes, I want to make sure the product is up to scratch.”

Slowly parting her trench coat while cupping her breasts, showing slightly more than the coat normally allowed, Anko leaned forward more, taking on the most seductive voice a fifteen year old could pull off.

“Mmm, you can’t buy quality like this I-bi-ki Kuuuun.”

“Sorry Anko, if you’re trying to get a raise out of me you’re going to have to work harder at your seduction. As…impossible as it seems I’m used to your usual weaponry.”

Noticing Yuugao was still twitching in the chair Ibiki turned a concerned eye to her.

“Something the matter Yuugao-San?”

“I…think something…cracked.”

“Ah, well that tends to happen when Anko is involved. It is a stroke of luck though. Kushina-San is the only one here with the skill to set bones with Chakra, and you’re concerned with her sanity. Just go up, tell her something is broken and if she doesn’t hand you your liver the second you walk through the door you can inquire about her and Naruto. Subtly of course. You don’t want to annoy her when she has her hands anywhere near your neck or ribs.”

“Em, thanks for reassuring me?”

“No thanks required Yuugao-San.”

“I’d like some thanks!”

“Sit down Anko, you broke some of her bones.”

After Yuugao got up, Anko slumped down on in her place, pretending to pout as a grin was threatening to break out on her face.

Genma, leaning against a wall where he had been reading a magazine just started shaking his head.

“Everyone in this place is insane.”

“I heard that Genin! And it’s not insanity, it’s sexual tension and friendly rivalry!”

“Keep telling yourself that Anko-Chan. Maybe you’ll convince yourself some day.”

“Shut it, Ibiki.”
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby Kirai » August 27th, 2009, 5:28 pm

Well... it's funny in some places serious in others, intersting, well written and has very few things I can really comment on with any qualification... more?

Sorry I'm really not cut out to be a critic, especially of something so long.
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby ewuvi » August 27th, 2009, 6:10 pm

Will read through tomorrow. I am drowning in homework at the moment, and trying to read through AToTC, which is hellish, at least for the first four chapters.
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby Darkandus » August 27th, 2009, 6:48 pm

Well... it's funny in some places serious in others, intersting, well written and has very few things I can really comment on with any qualification... more?

Sorry I'm really not cut out to be a critic, especially of something so long.
Thanks. I have a couple of questions if you would be so kind as to help me out. Firstly did you enjoy the mixture of seriousness and attempted humor? I know if it's not pulled off right it can be jarring and I'd like to know if it transitioned well. My other question is were there any segments you particularly disliked?

As for your request for more it might be a while, I can and have written two hundred thousand word stories in the space of two weeks but it's trash I wouldn't feel comfortable even paying people to read. On the other hand this one chater has taken roughly forty hours of writing and editing over the space of several months to even get to this mediocre level. And I refuse to post anything of lesser quality than this.

Fortunatly I have lots of free time at the moment so I'll try to increse my rate of work.
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby Kirai » August 27th, 2009, 7:37 pm

In my oppinion you pulled the humor and the seriousness off well enough. There was nothing very jarring, that I noticed.

As for what I didn't like. Well one was the deadszene of the Yondaime. But really it's only because it's so cliche. It works. But it works in so many pices of fiction. Besides, didn't he kinda shove his soul into his son? Wouldn't it be a bit more abrupt? Really more of a pet peve thought and really you can't avoid cliches anymore. After all everything has been written already^^.

Another pet peve is the kinda sacrifice that Naruto has to bear. That it's only for the village. After all it means Naruto does survive, as opposed to beeing killed like the village. Maybe point that out a bit? But that's really only my thought on the matter, and in no way important to the story.

The only other thing I disliked was Ibiki going in depth to explain Kushinas mindset. I dunno, but I have a bit of trouble getting into the explanation. It's a bit too... patronizing. Sure he is that in the Chunin exam, 12 years later. But it might be a bit too early for him now. Especially if he hasn't been tortured yet.

Hope that helps.

And as for the time it takes to write stuff. Well I'm not really faster. As you might see in here. Might have something to do with only writing every other day and taking a vacation at the moment though^^

And you can also see that I threw it out in a very... unpolished(crappy) state. Thanks to palm it imporved thremendously though.
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby QuoteMyFoot » August 27th, 2009, 8:41 pm

I like this! The premise is really interesting. I haven't seen anything similar used before. Also, Tenzou's presence makes my inner fangirl a very happy bunny. Your interpretation of Ibiki is really good, I think, though a little unusual to read since I'm used to the intimidating stoic of canon. I like the banter between him and Anko. Hayate hasn't had much of a part thus far, but I'd like to see more of him. :3

Here's a run through with some comments, grammar correctons, etc. I'm not really the perfect person for this, since I tend to skim over some parts, but I hope you'll find it useful anyways.
Spoiler: show
Resurrecting a Heritage (Working title)

It was quite a trying day for Minato, (new sentence) the council was breathing down his neck and his sensei had been arguing with the Sandaime [pretty much] (you could probably delete this, or use a more specific word) all day. On the bright side (comma) he was going to be a Dad [in a very short space of time] (suggestion: shorten this to 'very soon'), and the nice (nice seems an odd choice in context) panoramic windows in his office afforded an excellent view of the massive Fox Demon laying waste to the village. (Love this bit of humour! I lol'd. Not sure if 'fox demon' should be capitalised though.) Minato tilted his head slightly as the oversized fluffball’s maw suddenly dropped open. Judging from the rattle off (of?) the reinforced windows and the large quantities of rubble flying about (comma) quite a few of his ninja had just been killed by a god damned roar.

“Fucking overpowered bitch!” (how does he say this? Is it muttered? Yelled? Is he resigned, determined, angry?)

Fires traced the Demons (I don't think demon would be capitalised. Also, "demon's"?) path, cutting a swath through the forest, (new sentence) thankfully (comma) the murdering bitch hadn’t quite reached what was left of the walls yet (suggested change: "hadn't quite reached the walls yet - or what was left of them). The smoke from its (it's?) passage was unable to escape through the heavy rain clouds, forming a choking lair of acidic smog. (This imagery is great. I like the use of 'lair', since y'know, fox...) Minato sighed as a flash of natural lightning in the distance confirmed the soon to be acid rain. (style suggestion: soon-to-be-acid) “Marvellous.” (how is this said?) A moment later, the thunder joined with his beloved Kushina's screams, prompting a wince of sympathetic pain [on Minato‘s part.] ('from Minato' would probably be simpler)

The soft green glow of medical chakra gave a surreal cast to the room (comma) as a lone medic nin flitted about Kushina. Truthfully (comma) the medic shouldn’t have even been there, but after weighing the sheer enormity of the sacrifice his family was going to make for the village (comma) he felt it was fair the village make such a simple gesture as [supplying the wellbeing of] (wouldn't 'caring for' be simpler here?) his wife. When Sarutobi [had] (is this neccesary here?) found out (comma) he had seemingly been of two minds, alternately giving him that patented “I am disappointed.” (don't think the period should be there) look or smiling at him as if to say the choice was the right way to go.

Minato was many things. Hell, he was a regular Renaissance Man, (um, I haven't heard this before. Should this be capitalised?) or whatever the ninja equivalent was. But he didn't define himself by those talents and skills, because in his humble opinion he felt he was much more than a talented sack of flesh. He was a husband, and he was going to be a father shortly. But on an even more basic level, for better or for worse, he was human, and that meant emotions that you can’t (couldn't?) just slap down while retaining any sense of morality.

He knew how the people would see his son. Their saviour, his legacy, would be a monster to them. They would even hate his own precious Kushina, the mother of the 'beast.' His duties as Hokage, father and husband were...conflicting, to say the least. On an intellectual level, he knew what he had to do to save the village, but, (comma is unneccesary, I think) on an emotional level, (new sentence) well, the boy would at least have his mother.

His wife's cries faded to panting, and she called him to her side. Minato hurried over, taking one of her small, pale hands into his own. They were sweaty, he noted over her laboured breathing.

“What is it (comma) my dearest love?” (you usually put a comma before a name (or title, in this case) when using it to address somebody. Just for future reference.)

Her response was halted every now and then by a low moan of pain but she forged on, despite the discomfort. (don't think there needs to be a break here.)

“I’ve been thinking, no matter what happens,” (I think this should be a full stop, since there's an action after it rather than a description of speech.) Kushina’s hand tightened around his with enough force to bring tears to his eyes, as a particularly strong contraction rocked her body. “Konoha is going to be weakened. Lots of the higher ranking ninja are going to die, you included.” Her hand tightened again, (you use again right after this. Maybe replace it with further?) but this time it wasn’t due to a contraction. “You’re going to have to be replaced by the old goat again.”

He waited a moment for her pain to ease before posing the question he knew she was waiting for. (don't think you need a break here)

“What’s your idea (comma) my love?”

“After you seal the beast Konoha will need backup. The answer lies in Uzugakure.”

Minato frowned, worried that his wife might be delirious. (no break needed)

“Honey…Uzugakure has been destroyed for years.”

She fixed him with a stare, a mixture between “Do I look stupid?” and “Are you stupid?” (Love this! I can just picture the look on her face. Also, no break needed!)

“I know Uzugakure is gone, but lots of it’s population escaped. If we reform it they will probably come back. I’ll find a country close by to serve as the base then we can set up an alliance once we‘re strong enough to help protect Konoha. Neither me or Naruto will be hated.”

“That…that might just work…” (does he look surprised here? Nervous? Is he distracted by anything? What's going on in the background?)

“You need to get some people you trust together. When the time comes we’ll leave the village and start looking for others. Only the Sandaime and Jiriya can know the truth. Sarutobi can tell everyone that those you sent with me were killed fighting the Kyuubi. Go, we don’t have much time to set this up. (missed ending quote marks)

Minato ran from the room to find Sarutobi, unwilling to seek him with Hirashin. (comma rather than a period here. The next sentence doesn't make much sense on it's own) His need to conserve chakra paramount in his mind. As he was trying to find his predecessors Chakra (predecessor's. Should 'chakra' be capitalised?) signal he started thinking about his wife’s idea, (new sentence) theoretically (comma) it was sound but he didn’t know if it could actually be accomplished. All he could do was supply her with a few trustworthy people and believe in her judgement. It was probably the only chance of a decent outcome they had. It was definitely (it may just be me, but I think 'certainly' would sound better) the only chance his son and his wife had for a decent future.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coming to a stop outside the office (comma) he heard his predecessor (you used predecessor a few sentences ago. How about 'Sarutobi?') and Sensei’s voices drift through the door, (new sentence) opening it and slipping inside (comma) he softly closed the door and sealed the room instantly to prevent prying eyes and ears. It was (it was, or Minato found it so? Would another ninja think this was just routine, nothing to fuss over (I'm trying to pick out narrator vs. Minato voice here)) somewhat disheartening that even during the greatest crisis in the villages (village's) history he still had to guard against spies. Turning around he saw Jiriya (isn't it spelt Jiraiya?) and Sarutobi smoothing out their clothes, (new sentence) apparently they had been grappling, about to come to blows over some stupid little thing. ('stupid little thing' is a good hint, but what is Minato's outward reaction to this? How do they react to him entering, apart from covering up the evidence of their fight?)

“I’d ask why you were about to start beating the hell out of each other but right now we have more important things to discuss.”

Jiriya spoke up first, his voice still had a bit of an edge to it as he glared sullenly at his own sensei out of the corner of his eye. (no break needed)

“And what would that be (comma) Minato? Shouldn’t you be with Kushina right now, or have you come to help me tell this old fool that he doesn’t have the strength to seal the Kyuubi. (question mark) If anyone should do it, it should be me. I have the least to lose.” (what does Jiraiya sound like here? Annoyed, pleading, um, something else?)

The deathly pale Sandaime rolled his eyes. (no break needed)

“You still have much of your life to lead, that is why I must do it. I may be sick but I can still seal the damn Demon Fox (capitals neccesary?), Jiriya.”

“Oh, and you’d be willing to place all of Konoha on a fools (fool's?) bet? Tsunade must have rubbed off on you more than I expected.”

Minato slammed his fist into the wall, shaking the room and sending cracks spidering through the plaster. (no break needed. Also, the poor wall)

“GOD DAMN IT, I SAID WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DISCUSS!” (I like the image of Minato losing his temper)

Both Jiriya and Sarutobi froze as Minato’s voice reverberated throughout the room in a half echo, (this seems a bit... wordy. What about 'as Minato's voice echoed'? Also, new sentence here) never in all their years had they heard Minato voice sound so full of venom. (You could try a new paragraph here) His voice echoed (you just used echo - what about resonated?) until there was naught but a deathly silence. When he spoke again his voice was caustic. (no break needed, I think)

“I am going to seal the beast because I am the Hokage and it’s MY son who is going to be turned into a DAMN prison, (new sentence) I don’t give a FUCK about your petty argument right now. I need your God damned (seems a little lengthy here - maybe cut out 'God damned') help.”

“You!” He (don't think this needs to be capitalised) spat, turning towards his Sensei, “Are going to do two things, (new sentence) firstly (comma) you are going to make up so many stories about what happened here that no-one will know which is right, (semi-colon? Doesn't seem to quite warrant a new sentence) the only two things that will be consistent with every story is that the Demon (capitalisation?) is dead and Konoha is strong. Then you are going to spread that story over every country you have contacts in. The second thing you are going to do is track down people with safe bloodlines, clans who are unhappy with their current arrangements and people who would make good Shinobi. When the time is right you are going to send the most trustworthy of them to Kushina.”

“Why?” He (should this be capitalised?) tried to say, but Minato just blanked him as he turned to Sarutobi.

“You have to take back your position as Hokage until you can find a decent successor. When you get into office, some Shinobi are going to have disappeared without a trace. You are going to say they are dead. In reality (comma) they are going to be with Kushina and my son (comma) who are also going to be classified dead.”

(How is Minato saying all of this? Is he calm and collected, or is he barely keeping it together?)

Now both Sarutobi and Jiriya fixed him with a stare, making it clear that unless he had a sane (would 'good' be better here?) reason they would do no such thing.

“Kushina had an idea, (new sentence) Uzugakure was destroyed (comma) but most of it’s nin are still alive, scattered to the winds (something more descriptive here? In hiding, scattered across the continent, or something). The first part of the plan is going to be finding a decent location and recruiting some of the more prominent unaligned Uzu Shinobi, (and?) then she is going to rebuild Uzugakure and side with Konohagakure, (new sentence) that way Konoha has backup while it’s weak (comma) and my wife and child will be in positions of respect instead of being hated.”

Both men seemed to mull it over before Jiriya finally spoke. (no break needed. How does Jiraiya look here? Is he convinced, or does he still look doubtful? Is anything going on in the background that we're missing?)

“It’s a solid idea, I’ll give you that, (hyphen or ellipses here?) but do you think Kushina can pull it off? Don’t get me wrong, She (no capital) is a smart, capable and powerful woman (comma) but she’s hardly leadership material on that kind of scale, (new sentence) to be honest (comma) she’s a bit of a hothead and the logistics of setting up a minor village are pretty damn terrifying.”

Minato smiled wistfully. (no break needed. What's Minato thinking?)

“Yeah, she may be a hothead and doesn’t really have any practical experience. But she is also my main adviser, strong willed, and has a way of making people believe in her, (new sentence) she can do it. I know she can.” (sounds like Friendship no Jutsu is inherited ;))

At this Sarutobi spoke up. (no break needed)

“How many Shinobi are you going to send? And which one’s (ones - this isn't possessive or short for 'one is'. Alternatively, you could use 'who') for that matter? If you send too many strong Ninja (should this be capitalised?) Konoha will be weakened, (new sentence) if you send too few and they are too weak (comma) Kushina will be in danger and won’t have the foundation needed for this, (colon or semi-colon?) the new Uzu will collapse before it can begin.”

“I was thinking, (of sending? No comma needed here I think) Gekko Hayate, Mitarashi Anko, Shiranui Genma, Morino Ibiki, Uzuki Yuugao and Tenzou.” (Yay Tenzou! <3)

Jiriya took the chance to jump in with his assessment of the choices. (no break needed)

“Oh, that’s perfe-ARE YOU INSANE! (I don't get this - does he change his mind, or is he being sarcastic?) First of all (comma) six ninja. Six? And not one of them Jonín! And then the ones you picked. (ellipses, maybe?) You want to send your wife and newborn son out into the world (comma) on a ridiculously dangerous mission (comma) with a barely graduated genin so sick he would be lucky to make twenty, a psychologically disturbed chuunin [who was] (you could get rid of this) used as a lab rat by Orochimaru, a rookie with no apparent skills, a man who is shaping up to be the next head of T&I with all of the psychological abnormalities someone of that position cultivates, another low level practically cannon fodder (too much description, I think; either say low-level or cannon-fodder - also, it's not too clear here who this is referring to) chuunin and one of Orochimaru’s abandoned projects?! What the hell are you smoking because I could damn well use some of it. (question mark)

(In lists where the items are longer (like here), it's typical to use a semi-colon instead, I think)

“You’ve gone a little red in the face (comma) Sensei. Maybe you should have stopped to breathe in the middle of your rant.” (I like this, but some descrption of Minato/Jiraiya would be nice. No break needed here)

Jiriya was about to verbally tear Minato a new one, (new sentence) he never got the chance as Minato cut in over him. (no break needed here either)

“No (comma) Sensei, (new sentence) I’m intending to send my wife and newborn son out into the world (comma) on a ridiculously dangerous mission (comma) with a Kenjutsu prodigy, a Sannin trained (style suggestion: Sannin-trained) assassination specialist, an (accomplished? proficient? decent?) all rounder, a psychological specialist, a Chuunin with Jonín level tracking skills and a Bloodline carrier that has the ability to suppress the Demon if something goes wrong when Naruto is older.”

“Oh sure, it sounds good when you put it like that but-” (Hehe, I can just imagine Jiraiya's face here. Priceless.)

“But nothing (comma) Sensei, (new sentence) the most important thing of all is in their loyalty tests all of them fell into the highest rank. (you could shorten this to 'the most important thing is, they're amongst our most loyal shinobi') Even Anko.”

“Great, but you still haven’t explained why none of them are Jonín and you’re only sending six.”

“Fine, you want to know why? [It’s so] (this could be deleted) if any of them find out (find out what, exactly?) and decide to turn on her, Kushina will be able to destroy them, (new sentence) that’s why the numbers are low, (new sentence, or maybe a semi-colon here) that’s why there are no Jonín.”

At this Sarutobi jumped into the conversation, (new sentence) it was harsh but it had to be said. (no break needed. Also, what has Sandaime been think throughout this conversation?)

“He‘s right (comma) Jiriya, (new sentence) the highest rank of loyalty is just “High probability of not betraying the village“, (period here) It’s a high probability, not an iron bound one hundred percent chance (you could probably get rid of 'iron bound') that they will never betray us, (new sentence) we’re ninja, (semi-colon?) we might genuinely hope there is (comma) but sadly there is no such thing as absolute loyalty in the shadows.”

(How does Jiraiya react to this?)


Minato’s recently reigned in anger started to crack, revealing the deep sorrow and steel will of one who knows and has accepted that they will die so that others may live. (This is a little lengthy for such a profound statement. It might be more effective as something simple like 'of a willing martyr' - also, no break needed. Some description of Minato's speech would be good here, too. He kind of switches from this to his next words. It'd be nice to see some indication of what makes the mask crack)

“I just… you both have to understand, what other choice do I have?”

Sarutobi tilted his head back, taking in a deep breath and released it slowly. (no break needed. Is this some sort of sacrifice for Sarutobi? Does he want to argue the point? Does he agree with Minato?)

“Fine.”

Minato and Sarutobi turned towards Jiriya, (how are they looking at him here?) [his student and his Sensei effectively double teaming him.] (this is kinda obvious. I think you could probably take this out) He ground his teeth at the foolishness, the sheer audacity, (and?) the unimaginable and unmistakable gut feeling that it might work.

Sometimes (comma) Jiriya hated his gut feelings. (I like this. It feels just like something Jiraiya would think.)

“Alright, (maybe use an exclaimation mark here? New sentence anyway) you don’t have to stare at me, I’ll do it.”

Minato nodded his thanks [towards them both] (not needed; it's already obvious) and set out to round up the Ninja he had chosen.

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The six nin stood in a rough semicircle in front of the Hokage’s desk, (new sentence) all of them bar Hayate and Genma were soot stained and wounded, and they only managed to avoid it because none of the genin had to fight yet. However (comma) under the Hokage’s order’s (orders) they appeared before him with enough supplies for an extended black op in a war zone. Minato stood with his back to them as black rain fell and streaked down the recently (you could probably get rid of this) cracked window [he was looking through.] (already obvious; you don't need to point this out)

The window framed the Kyuubi’s approach, intimidating the six as they looked past the Hokage and at (to?) the beast (it's kind of obvious what they're looking at. Could you describe the Kyuubi/destruction/something else relevant here?). Without turning around the Hokage spoke. (no break needed)

“The six of you have been chosen for a mission, (new sentence) the very survival of Konoha rests on your shoulders. As such (comma) this mission is S ranked.”

At this (misplaced word?) the six fidgeted, confused [and some of them fearful] (maybe put this bit in hyphens?) that they would be sent to somehow defeat the Kyuubi. They did not speak this fear [however] (don't think you really need this). They waited for their Kage’s instructions.

“As of today you are no longer officially Konoha nin. In fact, as of today you are officially dead.”

The looks of confusion on their faces deepened.

“The Kyuubi’s attack on Konoha will leave us weakened and left in a position where we may be taken advantage of or destroyed. We cannot allow that. You are to leave and go wait one hundred and twenty seven miles east of here. You will set up camp at Hana outpost, (new sentence) there should be no-one there, (new sentence) if there is (comma) you are to kill them, (and?) they cannot know who you are. You are to maintain that position until someone comes carrying a scroll with my personal seal in blue wax (comma) [and] (with?) the code-word Sora in Blue Kanji embossed on it.”

Minato turned around to face them.

“You will ask the question, [Who holds our orders?] (This in quote marks?) The counter will be [Mr. Blue Sky]. (Quote marks?) If they say anything else (comma) you are to kill them. The person who legitimately holds the scroll is your commander on this mission and you will treat them as if they are your Kage. If the person who contacts you isn’t the legitimate holder you are to find and reclaim your commander, living or dead. If dead, return to Konoha. If the commander is alive they will carry all the information you require for this mission to be successful. This is a lifelong mission. Ibiki is leader until your commander shows up. It should take them a week at most to get there. Are there any questions?”

Yamato (Tenzou?) stood forward. (no break needed)

“Will we be receiving reinforcements?”

“Reinforcements are to be procured during the mission. You will be unable to call on any of Konoha’s resources unless you manage to succeed in your first major objective.”

“We are to procure help from allied villages then?”

“No. Your commander will have the details. They will inform you as and when you need to know.”

Yamato stood back in line.

“If that is all? You are dismissed. You have ten minutes to leave the village and be on your way. Good luck.”

The six saluted him and left as fast as possible. Minato paused a second before taking off his hat and placing it on his desk. He sat down and wrote a scroll to his son. As soon as it was finished he took off his still shiny and only slightly dented and nicked (too much description here, I think. You could probably leave it at 'only slightly dented') forehead protector. He buffed it on his sleeve before sliding it into a small parcel [along] (you could delete this) with the letter-scroll. He took a spare headband from a drawer in his desk and fastened it around his forehead as he left to wait with Kushina.

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After ordering a retreat of his forces (comma) he summoned Gamabunta for the last time. He was starting to get sick of that phrase, (semi-colon) every [last time] (quote marks here?) he passed he came closer to his last breath, his last memory, his last look at his son. Oh, his son, his precious beautiful son. The only chance of seeing him again was if something terrible happened. He hated himself for this. (That last sentence is a bit of a jump. Is he feeling guilty for 'forcing' his son out of the village?)

Turning to Gamabunta (comma) he bowed slightly in greeting.

“So (comma) Bunta, ready to kick ass and take names with me one last time?”

“You bet kid! Lets make it one for the ages.”

He secured himself to Bunta’s head with Chakra (should this be capitalised?) as the massive Toad (or this?) leapt in to engage [in mortal combat with] (MORTAL COMBAT-- err, sorry. Anyway, you could probably get rid of this bit) the raging beast, slashing at it with his tower sized Tanto, (and?) giving Minato time to prepare the hand seals.

As the beast roared (comma) Bunta crossed his arms in front of himself to shield against the chakra infused wind, holding his blade up to defend Minato and his son. The Kyuubi took the opportunity to take a downward swipe at Bunta’s face.

The blow was crushing (comma) but Bunta cast all his might into a parry, preventing half his face from being torn off, (new sentence; however probably isn't needed) however one of Kyuubi’s claws still had the reach to [tear a] (it would make more sense if you deleted this bit) gouge into his face, almost taking out his eye, (and?) giving him a scar to match the one on the left side of his face. The ground underneath Gamabunta had already cracked, but it was starting to buckle under the force, (the force of what? New sentence here) a few more hits like that and his Tanto would smash, leaving him in a hole large enough to serve as his grave, (ellipses would fit well here) that was if the Kyuubi didn’t eat him after killing him.

“Hurry up kid, this bastard is on a different level to me, (new sentence) I can’t take too many of those hits or I’m dead.”

“Sorry Bunta, I need a few more seconds.”

The Kyuubi started drawing chakra towards his mouth, compressing it down. The massive Toad, closest he had ever come to worried, liked to believe he only sounded just the tiniest bit rushed. (no break needed)

“HURRY UP KID, WE DON’T HAVE A FEW SECONDS!”

The sheer desperation in Gamabunta’s voice made Minato speed up [faster than he thought possible]. (you could replaced this with 'work even faster')

The beast drew back its (it's) head, light shining between the gaps in it’s massive teeth. When it snapped it’s head back down it was going to be [all] (could be deleted) over. In an act of total desperation Gamabunta thrust forward with his Tanto, nailing shut the Kyuubi’s maw as the pressure approached it’s maximum. The titanic force proved to be too much for the beast to contain. In a titanic (you just used titanic. You should probably replace one of them) explosion it’s head and part of it’s upper body exploded [off] (this isn't needed, I think), flattening trees for almost a mile and setting those closest on fire.

Just as the pyrotechnics ended (comma) the Shinigami came into the Mortal realm. It seized the still formed part of the Kyuubi before dragging it into Naruto and sealing the energy away.

(That was rather sudden. Perhaps a bit more of a lead-up?)

The remnants of the Kyuubi, thrown away in the blast, quickly drew together into a significantly smaller form. (Ooooh that's not good. ;D) Minato, exhausted [as] (though?) he was, tried to get the Shinigami to make a lunge for the recovering beast (comma) but his chakra just wasn‘t enough. The Fox shakily rose to it’s feet before stumbling away (comma) disorientated. A string of [choice] (could be removed) curses left Minato’s mouth as he staggered [forward] (could be removed) along the head of the stunned and badly burned Gamabunta, (new sentence) the remains of the toads (toad's) massive Tanto still gripped in his bleeding hand. The Shinigami trailed behind Minato (comma) seemingly to indulge the mortal.

“Bunta, BUNTA! Get off your lazy Yakuza ass or you’re going to make your family a laughing stock.”

Bunta’s eye’s opened seemingly (seemingly? Is it really annoyance, and if it isn't, what is it?) out of sheer annoyance. (no break needed)

“Pah, I still have the energy to kick your disrespectful ass.”

“Then wake the hell up, shrink down, get off your broken up ass and take my son to Kushina, (new sentence) don’t stop for anything and don’t let anyone see you.” (no break needed)

Minato was starting to look paler with every passing second, (new sentence) they both knew his time was almost up.

“Yeah, yeah. Even on the brink of death you’re a pain. I‘m going to miss you kid. Want me to give a message to your girl?”

Minato placed [the gently wrapped up] (you could get rid of this, I think. It's kinda implied) Naruto onto the waiting tongue of the Toad boss. Taking a moment to caress the child’s cheek with his now shaking hand. (no break needed)

“Nah, she knows I love her anyway…actually. Tell her that I think she looks prettier with her hair up.”

Minato leaned in to give Naruto a kiss on the forehead. As his vision started to go dark he burned the image of Naruto sleeping into his failing mind.

“Huh?” (no break needed)

Gama started shrinking down to a smaller size until he was about the height of a small house. He gently stored Naruto in his mouth.

“Before all this…I…bought her a…new hair clip… never got the….chance to see her use it...”

Minato stumbled down to the ground, tripping over some exposed and charred roots, but managing to keep his footing. He staggered over to a miraculously still standing tree. Placing his back against it he slid down until he was sitting.

“Even…if…Naruto… doesn’t get…the summoning scroll…look after…him…for me…Bun…ta.”

His head slowly dropped to his chest as he grew silent, the Shinigami disappearing soon afterwards.

Bunta stood there, his head down slightly. He really would miss the kid, (new sentence) he would look after this Gaki like he was his own. After he delivered the infant to Kushina (comma) he would have to go have a word with Jiriya (new sentence) he’d be damned if the kid didn’t sign the summoning scroll. He shrunk down further until he was the size of a horse and hopped off into the darkness.

(I like how Bunta is presented here.)

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Kushina had hardly given birth twenty minutes earlier when Jiriya and Sarutobi appeared at her bedside with a bundle of cloth. The medic nin who had been tending to her finished up the last of the treatments, a desperate attempt to make the fatigued woman capable of travel. The med nin turned (comma) before bowing low to Sarutobi as the newly reinstated Hokage began the Jutsu to modify his memory. (is this voluntary? It's not clear) A few seconds later the Med nin collapsed, unconscious, (new sentence; 'as' could be deleted) as all the important information was sealed away, being replaced with mundane conversations and the tragic death of Mother and Son.

When the village discovered the death of the Fourth’s family (comma) it would become yet another reason to mourn, but better that than many of the possible alternatives.

Kushina’s voice was heartbreaking, cracking as she kept her composure as rigid as she could. (no break needed)

“So…the Jutsu worked as Minato thought it would?”

Jiriya looked down, his face full of pain. His normal, cheerfully perverted personality completely submerged. “Yeah…his soul is in Naruto, guarding the seal. He is partially aware but he can’t do anything unless something goes wrong (comma) and even then it will probably only be a once off thing. The soul can only affect so much when outside of the body before it gets taken to wherever they go. At least he wasn’t eaten by the Shinigami, (new sentence) the kid was too good for that fate.”

Kushina held out her arms as Sarutobi gently passed the child to her.

“I know this is hard for you Kushina, but you must understand that Naruto isn’t Minato (comma) in the exact same way as he isn’t the Kyuubi. If you treat him like he is [it] (misplaced word?) the former (comma) it will destroy him just as surely as the villagers treating him as the latter.”

Kushina’s eyes met his and he felt as if his soul would shatter. The barely suppressed pain in them hurt more than the sharpest Kunai. (no break needed)

“I know Sarutobi-san. He is Uzumaki Namikaze Naruto. Son of Namikaze Minato, he is my son. That is more than enough.”

Jiriya passed her a backpack full of storage scrolls before running through what each one contained that was necessary for the journey. He eventually got through the entire list before taking a pot of ink and a brush out of an inside pocket. After asking Kushina’s permission (comma) he sketched a seal onto the forehead of the sleeping child.

“This seal will last at most seven days, (new sentence) it will silence his cries after a two feet perimeter so you can hear him (comma) but no-one else will unless they get so close it won‘t matter anyway. It also lets sound in (comma) so you won’t have to worry about not hearing incoming people. It has the added effect of shielding him from any fast approaching object (comma) but that will need to be charged with your own Chakra, (new sentence) it’s a rush job so it also drains Chakra at an incredible rate. It would leave me dead or unconscious after five or six uses so you have two max, if you were well you might be able to pull out five. (it would just be easier to say 'In your current condition you could use it twice, and maybe push five at full health) Any more and you will die. Only use it as a last resort.”

Kushina nodded numbly as she got up from the bed with Naruto in her arms. After reluctantly passing the child to Sarutobi (comma) she went behind a lone medical screen to get dressed properly. After putting on her combat gear she threw on her flak jacket, zipping it up before grabbing the back pack Jiriya had given her. She swung it onto her shoulders before fastening on her usual leg and hip pouches. When she came out she stood before them, looking lost, (new sentence) she took Naruto back into her arms, her eyes becoming somewhat more focused. She paused a moment before finally nodding and leaving to slip out of the village.

Sarutobi’s sigh was easy to interpret as he went up to the roof with Jiriya to make the announcements to the gathering nin. (no break needed)

“I hope we did the right thing by sending them away.”

Judging from the roars of pain and hatred that encompassed the village (comma) it seemed they had.

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Kushina had covered sixty seven miles in three days. It was a laughable pace for a ninja (comma) but it was to be expected. She was still making remarkable speed for her condition. Over and over again in a low whisper she chanted the words that were driving her, (semi-colon?) that were stopping her from crumpling to her knees and crying herself to death, (new sentence) her mouth felt dry. She would have to drink soon. Naruto would wake soon (you just used soon - 'in an hour or so'?) and he would need to feed too.

“Doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto.”

Three days…she held him as tightly as she dared. Nothing would take him away. Nothing.

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On the afternoon of the seventh day (comma) she finally came within a few hundred yards of where the outpost should be. She stopped (comma) before using a Jutsu to camouflage herself and Naruto completely. After a few seconds (comma) she made a Kage Bunshin. She ordered it forward to scope the place out. As it went to leave (comma) it stopped and looked down at it’s arms, moving them uselessly as if to hold a Naruto it didn’t have. She would not let a Bunshin have him, even if it only held a copy. The Bunshin turned back and reached out pleadingly towards the real Naruto, a dead look in it’s eyes, before Kushina compelled it to leave. Tears rolled down the face of the Bunshin Kushina as it was rebuked, (semi-colon) it’s eyes rapidly becoming totally devoid of life. It turned mechanically and left to accomplish it’s mission.

After a few minutes (comma) she received the information from the dispersed clone. She ruthlessly crushed the terrible and profound feeling of loss the Kage Bunshin had been experiencing before it’s mind broke. That done (comma) she began sifting through the recent knowledge she had gained.

The first piece of important information she retrieved was the location of the building. A squat, thick slab of tan rock. (comma rather than a period here) It’s upper floor narrower than it’s bottom floor by a considerable amount. The walls enclosing the roof and second floor were coated liberally in spikes to prevent people climbing over it or hiding against it, (new sentence) the rock that made up the building itself looked to be the regular Konoha outpost affair which meant seal and steel (style suggestion: seal-and-steel. I like this description though) reinforced. The outpost would undoubtedly also have the regular outer seal defences.

As for the shinobi component of the outpost, Anko had probably been guarding the door, (new sentence) she couldn’t tell for sure because of the extremely skilled application of a middle ranking camouflage Jutsu that took the clone a few seconds of concentrated observation to confirm. A minute after that “Anko” had changed guards with Hayate. His attempt at hiding was using Henge after he had taken up position. It would have been a relatively good showing were it not for the fact that he became a bush in an area that had been obviously cleared for line of sight (aww, poor Hayate. Also, comma here) after waltzing out like it was a day at the park. If it was an enemy masquerading as the genin (comma) they were very skilled at their job of showing an almost naïve level of ability.

After that the clone [had] (double past tense! Get rid of this) went around the perimeter of the forest (comma) looking out for other guards she could possibly identify, (new sentence) she stopped halfway around when she spotted someone stalking across the roof. It wasn’t as good a job as “Anko” but still impressive in it’s own right. Probably Yuugao. Tracking specialists were inevitably skilled in hiding (comma) as not only did you have to hide from who you were hunting [so as not to alert them to your presence] (this is obvious, so you can delete this bit), you had to think like someone who was being stalked by enemies.

(I think the last several paragraphs could have been summarised with a few important details thrown in where neccesary.)

Somewhat satisfied (comma) Kushina created another Kage Bunshin. She destroyed it’s awareness before it even formed, linking up her senses to it’s own to use it as a puppet. The Bunshin reached down into one of Kushina’s hip pouches. Withdrawing the confirmation scroll Minato had written, for the smallest of moments a spark of life seemed to appear in it’s eyes, gone before it could truly exist. It turned and trudged wearily to a few feet away from the tree line, hidden partially behind some bushes and a fallen log. The Bunshin quickly pulled up a face mask before tying up it’s hair and covering it with a bandana. It would be unwise to let them know who she was straight off the bat. Using the medium of the Kage Bunshin, Kushina made a quick series of birdcalls that even a genin like Hayate would know meant “Friendly approaching, do not attack.”

The ‘bush’ rustled a little bit as Hayate probably reached for a Kunai (should this be capitalised) and his Black (or this?) ops headset. An intense heat shimmer came into existence as the bases defences were activated. The door set into the rock swung open as a bear of a teenager, bigger than most grown men, cautiously stepped out. Ibiki, if she wasn’t mistaken. He stood with apparent disdain but to a trained eye he was ready to move or attack in any direction. The Kushina Bunshin slowly slid out from behind her concealment. (comma rather than period, here) Both hands out to the side.

“Don’t move. Just say yes or no. Do you have it?”

“Yes.”

“Reach for it, slowly, and without any sudden movements show me the seal and the Kanji.”

Kushina slowly turned the scroll to show the Blue seal and the silver Sora Kanji.

“Who holds our orders.”

“Mr blue sky.”

“O.k. now unseal it.” (I think there should be a comma after OK, but it'd look weird like this. You could change O.K. to OK, okay or ok. I think all of those are pretty much accepted.)

With a quick application of Chakra (comma) the seal unlocked and Kushina held it at the ready.

“Toss it over.”

She threw it underhand, its lazy arc terminating as it struck the heat shimmer where it slowed and stopped as if stuck in a web. Ibiki reached forward easily, grabbing it (comma) before having to exert visible strain to pull his arm back through the barrier. He seemed to [warily] (this is kinda obvious, so I don't think the detail's needed) examine the scroll before scanning it with chakra. [Cautious,] (I don't think you need this bit) he pulled the scroll open slowly, suspicious of any traps that might catch him off guard and send him to an early grave, (new sentence) If there was enough of him left to bury. After a few seconds of not turning into a red mist (comma, I like this :D) he seemed to relax ever so slightly.

“It’s legitimate. Welcome to Fort Hana (comma) Commander, although I am curious [as to] (could be removed) why it took you so long to get here. We were worried you had been intercepted.”

Kushina did not move, she did however speak up. (no break needed)

“There is an indecently dressed ninja among you, what is her previous Sensei’s lucky charm?”

Ibiki looked confused for a second before using his radio and whispering into it, after a few seconds he nodded. (no break needed)

“The skin of a white snake.”

Kushina began to walk forward. (comma rather than period) Appeased.

“Thank you (comma) Morino-san. If you would, escort me around the facility, (new sentence) we will be here for a number of days before we can move. Afterwards (comma) I want to get settled in for an hour, [after that] (you just used 'afterwards', so how about 'then' instead?) everyone will have to report for briefing.”

As the barrier deactivated (comma) she walked past Ibiki (comma) before stopping.

“For future reference (comma) you need to work on your stealth skills Gekko-San. A performance such as yours will lead to a fast death, (new sentence) this is a mission, not a picnic.”

The clone walked on.

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Ibiki, Anko, Yuugao and Genma were dispersed across the [quite large] (more specific? 'Adequate', maybe?) living space. It had space [enough] (since you use enough right after, you could get rid of this) for twenty people and it’s furnishings were comfortable enough. Anko and Ibiki were playing cards at a table while Yuugao paced anxiously around the room. Genma sat on a sofa on the other side of the room, flicking through a magazine on musical instruments. An assorted pile of magazines lay on the coffee table across from him. (The thought of magazines in a ninja base makes me giggle for some reason.)

Everyone was agitated to one degree or another, (new sentence) no-one knew who their Commander was or what they looked like, (new sentence) all they could tell was she was female. Not knowing about someone was a hazardous business for a shinobi.

After another round of pacing on the part of Yuugao, Anko started tapping her foot in exasperation. The rookie Chuunin’s pacing was annoying as hell and Anko had already been pissed for days. Then the commander bitch just shows up well after she should have and locks herself in a room after going through a tour of the place without saying a word. Just as she was about to tear into the Chuunín, Genma threw his magazine down. [After that] (you could probably replace this with 'then') he stood up and grabbed the girl, pulling her out her out of the room. Surprised, Anko turned her head to Ibiki, one of her eyebrows raised.

“A bit forward wasn’t he? I’m surprised she didn’t punch him out for dragging her off.”

Ibiki grinned at her. (no break needed)

“You don’t realise how much killing intent you were releasing, do you? You had shocked her into a cycle. I was just wondering how long it would take for the kid to drag her out of the room before you killed her. Especially considering he was a step away from pissing his pants. I‘m surprised he managed it at all. Good thing you weren‘t angry at him.”

“Shit. I was making her pace? For how long?”

“About thirty minutes.”

“And you didn’t tell me?”

Another smirk from Ibiki. “A man needs entertainment.”

“Scarred bastard.”

“Snake bitch.”

“Heh, I love you too Ibiki-tan.”

“…I‘m going to wake up with snakes in my bed again, aren‘t I?”

“Maybe if you win this hand you might just find a pretty purple haired snake in your bed.”

“Manda has a human form?”

“Virgin.”

“Cock tease.”

“Torture freak.”

“Whore in training.”

“I do love it when you talk dirty to me (comma) Ibiki-tan.”

“Hurry up and deal the cards, and no cheating this time. I’m still not happy about buying you that crate of Dango and finding out you screwed me over after you finished the whole thing. You didn’t even share.”

A grin from Anko later (you could just write 'Anko grinned') and she started tossing out the cards.

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The Kage Bunshin proxy had calmed down enough to think objectively for a while, (new sentence) she needed to confirm whether or not any of her forces would freak out about her son being a Jinchurikki. She would have to be prepared to kill all of them if they reacted badly. She had already filled the place with camouflaged explosive notes. If they react (this should be reacted) negatively, shadow proxy activates them and boom, no more problem on that front. The only difficulty was it would create a whole new array of problems.

The thought of killing some of the younger ex-Konoha ninja’s made her feel sick, but no-one was more important than Naruto, (new sentence) he was all she really had left now, (new sentence) even if she started to rebuild her life it would mean nothing without him.

Sighing (comma) [after breaking out of her internal conflict] (you could delete this because it's kinda obvious) she called all the ninja in, replacing those on guard with two of her own Kage Bunshins. After the six assembled before her (comma) she calmly cleared her throat and began.

“Do you trust the Fourth?”

A series of confused nods greeted her question.

“Completely? With your very lives and every ounce of your beings?”

A variety of positive answers poured forth from the nin’s mouths. (comma rather than period) Confusion and apprehension in their tones.

“Do you trust him enough to believe whatever he did was enough to prevent the Kyuubi from harming us ever again? That anything he did would be enough to protect everyone?”

Tired of the games Anko shouted, “Of course we do you stupid bitch, he’s probably the only person who’s never fucked anyone around. He wouldn’t put [us deliberately] (switch these two round) in danger.”

Her mask hid it (comma) but Kushina had a small smile at the brash Kunoichi’s response. She turned a baleful glare at everyone else.

“And do you all feel the same as this girl?”

Each of them nodded without hesitation.

“What if I told you the Kyuubi’s alive and the Fourth is dead.”

Everyone froze, not even their hearts seemed to beat.

“That’s…so Konoha…it’s gone? Everyone is dead?” (no break needed)

Tenzou had been the first to break the silence, his question had the others staring at him in disbelief before turning to Kushina for confirmation.

Now this, this would be where things got tricky.

“Fortunately not. Konoha is lucky enough that it had two hero’s (heroes) protecting it during the final fight.”

“Who? Jiriya?” (Who says this? What are everyone's reactions to this? How is Kushina judging her chances here?)

“Before I tell you, you have to understand something. What I will tell you is the greatest secret you will ever hear in your entire lives. If you betray it I will end you, even if I have to spend the rest of my life hunting you down, (new sentence) if you want you can leave now. But you will never be able to come back.”

The six stood steadfast in their resolve.

“The second hero was the son of the fourth Hokage.”

All but Ibiki and Genma stood dumbfounded, Genma started yelling in disbelief. (no break needed)

“But that’s impossible! Even if he had one his son couldn’t possibly be more than a baby!”

Ibiki however went white in the face. (no break needed)

“Jinchurikki. The Power of Human sacrifice.”

Kushina regarded the man warily before seeing if anyone else picked up on the implications.

“You are correct (comma) Morino-san. The Kyuubi was sealed into the son of Namikaze Minato and Uzumaki Kushina. I am not entirely aware of the mechanics of the seal (comma) but what I do know is the child‘s mind is completely unaffected by the Demon (capitalisation).”

Yuugao was the first to break the renewed bout of silence. (no break needed)

“How did Konoha react?”

“How do you think they would react, (question mark, new sentence) angry, hurt, looking for someone to blame. Any child in that position would be no more than a target for their hate.”

“Then…then we’ve got to go back! We can’t just leave him like that, he’s a hero!”

“Ah, the shining fervour in her eyes. Perhaps she can be trusted.” (Is this thought or said? I'm really confused)

“And how do the rest of you feel about protecting the child?” (If it's spoken, this could be on the same line as the above.)

A flurry of approval met Kushina’s question, (and?) despite all her concentration she couldn’t detect any malice towards Naruto. She had reached the end of the game and had to play her hand.

“Your approval is good. As you all feel this way (comma) I am glad to tell you that we will not need to return to Konoha to rescue the child (comma) as he is outside the bunker.”

Six pairs of eyes locked on her own as she smiled to herself in [self] (kinda obvious, so you can delete this) satisfaction, (new sentence) she [slowly] (how can you slowly give someone a moment? Maybe she gave them a long moment) gave them a moment to let the implications sink in, waiting for one of them to react first. Surprisingly (comma) the first to break the silence was the as of yet remarkably quiet young Genin Hayate, who broke into a coughing fit strong enough to bring an unhealthy looking crimson to his pallid face. Genma lightly struck the back of the coughing Genin as Ibiki handed the boy a canteen.

“So I take it no-one has questions?”

Anko finally found her voice as evidenced by her profuse swearing, ('Anko found her voice and started swearing profusely'?) (and?) Yuugao still seemed dazed (comma) which left Tenzou to ask the relevant questions. (no break needed)

“If I might ask, commander-san, who are you, why do you have the child and what exactly is our mission?”

With that, the Kushina clone removed her bandanna and mask startling everyone in the room. (no break needed)

“K-Kushina-Sama?”

“I suppose this answers your first two questions (comma) Tenzou-san. As for the last, our objective is to reform Uzugakure and align it with Konoha. Fortunately (comma) this will be easier than it could be. I’m on par with a Sannin and my family was well liked in Uzu. Konoha and Uzu also had pretty good relations when Uzu was still up and running. We need to draw some of the stronger Uzu nin to us to form a group the lesser Uzu nin will rally to. But I’m getting ahead of myself. First we need to decide on a good location for the village and take time to plan out our actions, so we’re going to be here for a few days. We have about a week before a Konoha patrol sweeps by to make sure this outpost hasn’t been taken over and secure it again. We’ll leave in four days just to be sure we aren’t spotted. Any more questions? Dismissed.”

(No reactions? No surprise? No, 'wait, so we aren't Konoha ninja anymore?')

And with that the clone dispersed. Kushina’s real body sat still in the tree line as her consciousness slowly started to become whole again. After twenty seconds (comma) she managed to regain her feet, calming the fidgeting Naruto with a few soft words as she ran her fingers through his hair (comma) before making another few Kage Bunshin as a body guard. Things might seem to be going well with the six under her command (comma) but trust was only given away by fools. The clones were now less insistent on having Naruto’s of their own. (semi-colon here) The need to protect the real one overriding the need to feel the comfort of having fake, lifeless, copies in their arms.

The group of Kushina’s entered the bunker. (comma instead of period) Hoping that things would work out.

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It had been three days since Kushina had come to the Outpost. The only time any of her ninja saw her was brief glimpses as she sent out a few Kage Bunshin to replace the ones on watch (comma) or to fetch things for her. She had locked herself away from the group. Everyone but Yuugao felt a foreboding whenever they went near the door, (new sentence) Yuugao herself had always admired Kushina, even being on speaking terms with the woman and her Husband. It broke her heart to see the loud, proud and strong Kunoichi seemingly shattered by this disaster. Every day she went to the door. (comma) Knocking on it to remind the Kunoichi that even though she fed Naruto she would have to eat as well. (semi-colon) Reminding her to sleep. (semi-colon) To drink water lest she get dehydrated. The once cheerful woman would send out a Kage Bunshin to bring back whatever Yuugao reminded her of, but after talking to them on the first day she didn’t say a word.

Yuugao, worried, went to Ibiki for his opinion.

Sitting down next to the man on a couch (comma) she spoke of her worries, the man only nodding every now and then to show he was paying attention while he flicked through a year old magazine on gardening.

“Don’t push her Yuugao, She fears us.”
“What are you talking about (comma) Ibiki. (question mark) Kushina has never been afraid of anything.”

Ibiki could only roll his eyes. (no break needed)

“Not for herself, she knows her limits and they far exceed ours, but she is afraid for her Child (capitalisation). Think about what she said earlier, if the truth about Naruto hadn’t been revealed in the way it was things might have gone differently, (new sentence) with such temperamental creatures as humans it is best to take a cautious approach. She could kill all six of us easier than you would ever believe, and she is completely prepared to do so. Don’t force her hand or you just might find a Kunai in your ribs.”

Sighing, the man closed the magazine before looking at her, placing the magazine down beside himself.

“Personally (comma) I can understand where she is coming from. If it where (were) my child that had become Jinchurikki I wouldn’t trust any of you either, especially not if it held the Kyuubi so soon after the destruction. Frankly, leaving Konoha was probably the smartest thing she could have done to protect Naruto. Just give her some time to calm down and relax before you do anything stupid.”

Yuugao understood where he was coming from, but she didn’t have to like it, and she made her opinion known.
“But it’s not healthy for her or the baby to be cooped up in that room all the time. I haven’t even seen her leave to use the toilet.”

Ibiki leaned back into the couch, lacing his fingers together.

“Firstly (comma) there are Jutsu to dispose of human waste, (new sentence) secondly (comma) it might surprise you to know that pretty much everything you have come to care about and rely on being taken away from you is a devastating occurrence. It might also surprise you that when something like this happens to a person (comma) they will generally become extremely protective and violent if they perceive anything they care about to be threatened.”

Ibiki’s voice took on a lecturing tone as he leaned forward tossing the closed magazine onto the table.

“In this case (comma) try and visualise what would happen if this was combined with someone who cared about something that would usually be readily discriminated against. Imagine that person, who cares about something that was almost guaranteed to be universally hated, had the power to close her hand around your skull and crush it like an egg faster than your comparatively feeble chuunin level chakra enhanced brain could comprehend.”

After sighing Ibiki stopped for a moment, rubbing the bridge of his nose before continuing.

“There is no doubt in my mind that she would have killed any one of us but you if we had shown as much interest as you have at this point. She trusts you, to an extent, because of your pre existing relationship. Probably everyone else from Konoha is an enemy until proven otherwise. As I said before, you can push further than anyone here (comma) but don’t push too far until she’s ready or you have an exceptionally good reason. Unless you want to be handed your still-beating heart?”

Yuugao grimaced for a moment before speaking.

“I have to say (comma) you and Anko-san are taking this very well, the others are nervous.”

Ibiki’s mouth twitched up at the corner as he considered his answer.

“Well (comma) there is a simple reason for that, (new sentence) panicking in this situation would probably be detrimental to my life expectancy. As for Anko-Chan, she’s calm because she’s already prepared to die and has planned several ways to try kill Kushina-san.”

“WHAT!”

Yuugao slapped her hands over her mouth before looking around and leaning in closer to Ibiki, her voice coming out in a harsh whisper.

“What do you mean she’s planned to kill Kushina-san?!”

“Firstly (comma) Anko has a plan to kill everybody, she says it‘s bad business not to when you‘re an assassin. Secondly-”

Suddenly (comma) a pair of arms and a dozen snakes wrapped around Yuugao, before a breathy, playful voice spoke softly right next to her ear.

“What’s this Ibiki-Kun, telling tales?”

The air from Anko’s speech tickled Yuugao’s ear, making her twitch away, (new sentence) Anko, noticing moved in to playfully lick it before biting down on it rather painfully.

“Be careful what you go around asking people, some don’t like their secrets getting out.”

Releasing Yuugao’s ear (comma) she stood up to her full height. Placing her hands on Yuugao‘s shoulders (comma) she glared down at Ibiki, practically snarling, her grip and the snakes tightened painfully on Yuugao.

“And as for you!”

Her glare turned into a sadistic smile as she leaned towards him, giving Ibiki an eyeful as she spoke in a mock whisper.

“I wouldn’t go around gossiping like a woman unless you want to lose what makes you a man.”

Ibiki flashed one of his trademark smirks.

“Wouldn’t dream of it Anko, (new sentence) tell me, how did the Dango turn out after?”

Anko suddenly started beaming.

“Oh, they didn’t stock the kitchen with all the ingredients to make really awesome ones (comma) but they were still pretty damn good!”

Twitching in pain and quite intimidated, Yuugao’s voice was barely above a whisper (missed a period here, no break needed)

“Eh, can you please let me go Anko-san?”

Anko looked down, surprise all over her face as she completely forgot Yuugao was there. To Yuugao’s immense relief she released her grip and the snakes before shrugging nonchalantly, (new sentence) Ibiki’s eyes concentrated on the interesting movement of her developing assets just like Anko had planned.

“Window shopping (comma) Ibiki?”

“Yes, I want to make sure the product is up to scratch.”

Slowly parting her trench coat while cupping her breasts, showing slightly more than the coat normally allowed, Anko leaned forward more, taking on the most seductive voice a fifteen year old could pull off.

“Mmm, you can’t buy quality like this (comma) I-bi-ki Kuuuun.”

“Sorry Anko, if you’re trying to get a raise out of me you’re going to have to work harder at your seduction. As…impossible as it seems (comma) I’m used to your usual weaponry.”

Noticing Yuugao was still twitching in the chair Ibiki turned a concerned eye to her.

“Something the matter Yuugao-San?”

“I…think something…cracked.”

“Ah, well that tends to happen when Anko is involved. It is a stroke of luck (comma) though. Kushina-San is the only one here with the skill to set bones with Chakra, and you’re concerned with her sanity. Just go up, tell her something is broken and if she doesn’t hand you your liver the second you walk through the door (comma) you can inquire about her and Naruto. Subtly (comma) of course. You don’t want to annoy her when she has her hands anywhere near your neck or ribs.” (I like this speech! :D)

“Em, thanks for reassuring me?”

“No thanks required (comma) Yuugao-San.”

“I’d like some thanks!”

“Sit down Anko, you broke some of her bones.”

After Yuugao got up, Anko slumped down on in her place, pretending to pout as a grin was threatening to break out on her face.

Genma, leaning against a wall where he had been reading a magazine just started (should this be stared? Also, comma) shaking his head.

“Everyone in this place is insane.”

“I heard that (comma) Genin! And it’s not insanity, it’s sexual tension and friendly rivalry!”

“Keep telling yourself that (comma) Anko-Chan. Maybe you’ll convince yourself some day.”

“Shut it, Ibiki.”
Well that took longer than I thought it would. x.X I'll gladly explain any advice I gave... later. And I apologise if I ever sound pompous/condescending/rude/idotic/all of the above, because I really don't mean to come across that way.

So yeah, just to reiterate, I really like this and I hope I was helpful. D:
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby Darkandus » August 27th, 2009, 9:21 pm

In my oppinion you pulled the humor and the seriousness off well enough. There was nothing very jarring, that I noticed.
Thanks.

As for what I didn't like. Well one was the deadszene of the Yondaime. But really it's only because it's so cliche. It works. But it works in so many pices of fiction. Besides, didn't he kinda shove his soul into his son? Wouldn't it be a bit more abrupt?
Thank's for pointing that out, that was actually a pretty amature mistake on my part.

Really more of a pet peve thought and really you can't avoid cliches anymore. After all everything has been written already^^.
Good point, i think i'll switch things around a bit so he has the conversation, then the sealing and instant death.

The only other thing I disliked was Ibiki going in depth to explain Kushinas mindset. I dunno, but I have a bit of trouble getting into the explanation. It's a bit too... patronizing. Sure he is that in the Chunin exam, 12 years later. But it might be a bit too early for him now. Especially if he hasn't been tortured yet.
He hasn't been tortured in my story, but the way I see it he isn't operating on the same wavelength as most people so it frustrates him when people don't catch on to things he views as obvious, he tries to curb it but because of his youth he tends to take a condecending attitude.

@QuoteMyFoot

It's official, I fail basic laws of English forever. :cry:
All of your suggestions were really helpful, hopefully I can fix it up tomorrow morning. I'm really glad you enjoyed it, even though it has so many mistakes.

Thank you for your help.
Spoiler: show
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby QuoteMyFoot » August 27th, 2009, 9:30 pm

I've seen much worse. Much, much worse. :blah!:

Glad I was useful. You're welcome.
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby Darkandus » August 30th, 2009, 5:56 pm

And now I give you my slightly altered and presumably completely corrected first chapter. I now rate it as slightly above average.
Spoiler: show
Resurrecting a Heritage (Working title)

It was quite a trying day for Minato. The council was breathing down his neck and his sensei had been arguing with the Sandaime all day. On the bright side, he was going to be a Dad very soon, and the beautiful panoramic windows in his office afforded an excellent view of the massive fox demon laying waste to the village. Minato tilted his head slightly as the oversized fluffball’s maw suddenly dropped open. Judging from the rattle of the reinforced windows and the large quantities of rubble flying about, quite a few of his ninja had just been killed by a god damned roar.

Naturally it was all a bit of a shock to the system and he felt his response was quite reasonable. He did after all manage to keep his vocal displeasure down to a dull roar. “Fucking overpowered bitch!”

Fires traced the demon’s path, cutting a swath through the forest. Thankfully, the murdering bitch hadn't quite reached the walls yet - or what was left of them. The smoke from it’s passage was unable to escape through the heavy rain clouds, forming a choking lair of acidic smog. Minato sighed as a flash of natural lightning in the distance confirmed the soon-to-be-acid rain. “Marvellous.” His deadpan tone reflecting his mood perfectly. A moment later, the thunder joined with his beloved Kushina's screams, prompting a wince of sympathetic pain from Minato.

The soft green glow of medical chakra gave a surreal cast to the room, as a lone medic nin flitted about Kushina. Truthfully, the medic shouldn’t have even been there, but after weighing the sheer enormity of the sacrifice his family was going to make for the village, he felt it was fair the village make such a simple gesture as keeping his wife alive. When Sarutobi found out, he had seemingly been of two minds, alternately giving him that patented “I am disappointed” look or smiling at him as if to say the choice was the right way to go.

Minato was many things. Hell, he was a regular renaissance man, or whatever the ninja equivalent was. But he didn't define himself by those talents and skills, because in his humble opinion he felt he was much more than a talented sack of flesh. He was a husband, and he was going to be a father shortly. But on an even more basic level, for better or for worse, he was human, and that meant emotions that you couldn't just slap down while retaining any sense of morality.

He knew how the people would see his son. Their saviour, his legacy, would be a monster to them. They would even hate his own precious Kushina, the mother of the 'beast.' His duties as Hokage, father and husband were...conflicting, to say the least. On an intellectual level, he knew what he had to do to save the village, but, on an emotional level? Well, the boy would at least have his mother.

His wife's cries faded to panting, and she called him to her side. Minato hurried over, taking one of her small, pale hands into his own. They were sweaty, he noted over her laboured breathing.

“What is it, my dearest love?”

Her response was halted every now and then by a low moan of pain but she forged on, despite the discomfort. “I’ve been thinking, no matter what happens.” Kushina’s hand tightened around his with enough force to bring tears to his eyes, as a particularly strong contraction rocked her body. “Konoha is going to be weakened. Lots of the higher ranking ninja are going to die, you included.” Her hand tightened further, but this time it wasn’t due to a contraction. “You’re going to have to be replaced by the old goat again.”

He waited a moment for her pain to ease before posing the question he knew she was waiting for. “What’s your idea, my love?”

“After you seal the beast Konoha will need backup. The answer lies in Uzugakure.”

Minato frowned, worried that his wife might be delirious. “Honey…Uzugakure has been destroyed for years.”

She fixed him with a stare, a mixture between “Do I look stupid?” and “Are you stupid?” “I know Uzugakure is gone, but lots of it’s population escaped. If we reform it they will probably come back. I’ll find a country close by to serve as the base then we can set up an alliance once we‘re strong enough to help protect Konoha. Neither me or Naruto will be hated.”

A look of contemplation washed over Minato‘s face as he shifted slightly to give the med-nin better access. “That…that might just work…”

“You need to get some people you trust together. When the time comes we’ll leave the village and start looking for others. Only the Sandaime and Jiriya can know the truth. Sarutobi can tell everyone that those you sent with me were killed fighting the Kyuubi. Go, we don’t have much time to set this up.”

Minato ran from the room to find Sarutobi, unwilling to seek him with Hirashin, his need to conserve chakra paramount in his mind. As he was trying to find his predecessor’s chakra signal he started thinking about his wife’s idea. Theoretically, it was sound but he didn’t know if it could actually be accomplished. All he could do was supply her with a few trustworthy people and believe in her judgement. It was probably the only chance of a decent outcome they had. It was certainly the only chance his son and his wife had for a decent future.

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Coming to a stop outside the office, he heard Sarutobi’s and his Sensei’s voices drift through the door. Opening it and slipping inside, he softly closed the door and sealed the room instantly to prevent prying eyes and ears. Minato thought it somewhat disheartening that even during the greatest crisis in the village’s history he still had to guard against spies. Turning around he saw Jiraiya and Sarutobi smoothing out their clothes. Apparently they had been grappling, about to come to blows over some stupid little thing. The two exchanged glances and started shuffling around like guilty children, Minato raised an eyebrow before speaking.

“I’d ask why you were about to start beating the hell out of each other but right now we have more important things to discuss.”

Jiriya spoke up first, his voice still had a bit of an edge to it as he glared sullenly at his own sensei out of the corner of his eye. “And what would that be, Minato? Shouldn’t you be with Kushina right now, or have you come to help me tell this old fool that he doesn’t have the strength to seal the Kyuubi? If anyone should do it, it should be me. I have the least to lose.” His voice a mixture of upset and anger.

The deathly pale Sandaime rolled his eyes. “You still have much of your life to lead, that is why I must do it. I may be sick but I can still seal the damn demon fox, Jiriya.”

“Oh, and you’d be willing to place all of Konoha on a fool’s bet? Tsunade must have rubbed off on you more than I expected.”

Minato slammed his fist into the wall, shaking the room and sending cracks spidering through the plaster. “GOD DAMN IT, I SAID WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DISCUSS!”

Both Jiriya and Sarutobi froze as Minato’s voice echoed throughout the room. Never in all their years had they heard Minato voice sound so full of venom.

His voice resonated until there was naught but a deathly silence. When he spoke again his voice was caustic. “I am going to seal the beast because I am the Hokage and it’s MY son who is going to be turned into a DAMN prison. I don’t give a FUCK about your petty argument right now. I need your help!”

“You!” he spat, turning towards his Sensei, “Are going to do two things. Firstly, you are going to make up so many stories about what happened here that no-one will know which is right; the only two things that will be consistent with every story is that the demon is dead and Konoha is strong. Then you are going to spread that story over every country you have contacts in. The second thing you are going to do is track down people with safe bloodlines, clans who are unhappy with their current arrangements and people who would make good Shinobi. When the time is right you are going to send the most trustworthy of them to Kushina.”

“Why?” he tried to say, but Minato just blanked him as he turned to Sarutobi.
Minato quickly reigned in his temper, his voice calm but still containing a hint of steel.
“You have to take back your position as Hokage until you can find a decent successor. When you get into office, some Shinobi are going to have disappeared without a trace. You are going to say they are dead. In reality, they are going to be with Kushina and my son, who are also going to be classified dead.”

Now both Sarutobi and Jiriya fixed him with a stare, making it clear that unless he had a very good reason they would do no such thing.

“Kushina had an idea. Uzugakure was destroyed, but most of it’s nin are still alive, scattered across the continent. The first part of the plan is going to be finding a decent location before recruiting some of the more prominent unaligned Uzu Shinobi and then she is going to rebuild Uzugakure and side with Konohagakure. That way Konoha has backup while it’s weak, and my wife and child will be in positions of respect instead of being hated.”

Both men seemed to mull it over. Sarutobi took out his pipe and, after going through the practiced motions of preparation, started puffing on it furiously. The room shook reminding them of the Kyuubi’s approach, warning them to think quickly, Jiriya spoke first, a look of apprehension on his face. “It’s a solid idea, I’ll give you that. But do you think Kushina can pull it off? Don’t get me wrong, she is a smart, capable and powerful woman, but she’s hardly leadership material on that kind of scale. To be honest, she’s a bit of a hothead and the logistics of setting up a minor village are pretty damn terrifying.”

Minato smiled wistfully. Memories of Kushina‘s more spectacular social failures running through his mind. “Yeah, she may be a hothead and doesn’t really have any practical experience. But she is also my main adviser, strong willed, and has a way of making people believe in her. She can do it. I know she can.”

At this Sarutobi spoke up. “How many Shinobi are you going to send? And who for that matter? If you send too many strong ninja Konoha will be weakened. If you send too few and they are too weak, Kushina will be in danger and won’t have the foundation needed for this; the new Uzu will collapse before it can begin.”

“I was thinking of sending Gekko Hayate, Mitarashi Anko, Shiranui Genma, Morino Ibiki, Uzuki Yuugao and Tenzou.”

Jiriya took the chance to jump in with his assessment of the choices. His voice starting off artificially sweet before devolving into a full on rant. “Oh, that’s perfe-ARE YOU INSANE! First of all, six ninja. Six? And not one of them Jonín! And then the ones you picked…you want to send your wife and newborn son out into the world, on a ridiculously dangerous mission, with a barely graduated genin so sick he would be lucky to make twenty; a psychologically disturbed chuunin used as a lab rat by Orochimaru; a rookie with no apparent skills; a man who is shaping up to be the next head of T&I with all of the psychological abnormalities someone of that position cultivates; a cannon odder chuunin and one of Orochimaru’s abandoned projects?! What the hell are you smoking because I could damn well use some of it?”

A sickly smile twisted Minato‘s face as he regarded the huffing Sennin. “You’ve gone a little red in the face Sensei. Maybe you should have stopped to breathe in the middle of your rant.”

Jiriya was about to verbally tear Minato a new one. He never got the chance as Minato cut in over him. “No, Sensei. I’m intending to send my wife and newborn son out into the world, on a ridiculously dangerous mission, with a Kenjutsu prodigy, a Sannin-trained assassination specialist, a promising all rounder, a psychological specialist, a Chuunin with Jonín level tracking skills and a Bloodline carrier that has the ability to suppress the Demon if something goes wrong when Naruto is older.”

“Oh sure, it sounds good when you put it like that but-”

“But nothing, Sensei. The most important thing is they are amongst my most loyal genin, especially Anko after that Orochimaru debacle.”

“Great, but you still haven’t explained why none of them are Jonín and you’re only sending six.”

“Fine, you want to know why? If any of them find out Naruto is a Jinchuuriki and decide to turn on him, Kushina will be able to destroy them. That’s why the numbers are low; that’s why there are no Jonín.”

At this Sarutobi finally jumped into the conversation, smoke rising from the pipe as he lit it again. “He‘s right, Jiriya. The highest rank of loyalty is just “High probability of not betraying the village“. It’s a high probability, not a one hundred percent chance that they will never betray us. We’re ninja; we might genuinely hope there is, but sadly there is no such thing as absolute loyalty in the shadows.”

Jiriya looked to the side, his face set in a frown.

Minato’s recently reigned in anger started to crack, revealing the deep sorrow and steel will of a willing sacrifice. His nerves were frayed, making his emotions apparent. “I just… you both have to understand, what other choice do I have?”

Sarutobi tilted his head back, taking in a deep breath and released it slowly. “I wish there was some other way, but I suppose I‘m fine with it.”

Minato and Sarutobi turned towards Jiriya, pleading and curious. He ground his teeth at the foolishness, the sheer audacity and the unimaginable and unmistakable gut feeling that it might work.

Sometimes, Jiriya hated his gut feelings.

“Alright! You don’t have to stare at me, I’ll do it.”

Minato nodded his thanks and set out to round up the Ninja he had chosen.

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The six nin stood in a rough semicircle in front of the Hokage’s desk. All of them bar Hayate and Genma were soot stained and wounded, and they only managed to avoid it because none of the genin had to fight yet. However, under the Hokage’s orders they appeared before him with enough supplies for an extended black op in a war zone. Minato stood with his back to them as black rain fell and streaked down the newly cracked window.

The window framed the Kyuubi’s approach, intimidating the six as they looked past the Hokage and to the beast. A shroud of black smoke entwined around it, lit up by lightning, fire and the occasional flash of a powerful Jutsu. Without turning around the Hokage spoke. “The six of you have been chosen for a mission. The very survival of Konoha rests on your shoulders. As such, this mission is S ranked.”

The six fidgeted, confused-and some of them fearful-that they would be sent to somehow defeat the Kyuubi. They did not speak this fear. They waited for their Kage’s instructions.

“As of today you are no longer officially Konoha nin. In fact, as of today you are officially dead.”

The looks of confusion on their faces deepened.

“The Kyuubi’s attack on Konoha will leave us weakened and left in a position where we may be taken advantage of or destroyed. We cannot allow that. You are to leave and go wait one hundred and twenty seven miles east of here. You will set up camp at Hana outpost. There should be no-one there. If there is, you are to kill them and dispose of the corpses. There can be no evidence of your existence. You are to maintain that position until someone comes carrying a scroll with my personal seal in blue wax, with the code-word Sora in Blue Kanji embossed on it.”

Minato turned around to face them.

“You will ask the question, “Who holds our orders?” The counter will be “Mr. Blue Sky”. If they say anything else, you are to kill them. The person who legitimately holds the scroll is your commander on this mission and you will treat them as if they are your Kage. If the person who contacts you isn’t the legitimate holder you are to find and reclaim your commander, living or dead. If dead, return to Konoha. If the commander is alive they will carry all the information you require for this mission to be successful. This is a lifelong mission. Ibiki is leader until your commander shows up. It should take them a week at most to get there. Are there any questions?”

Tenzou stood forward. “Will we be receiving reinforcements?”

“Reinforcements are to be procured during the mission. You will be unable to call on any of Konoha’s resources unless you manage to succeed in your first major objective.”

“We are to procure help from allied villages then?”

“No. Your commander will have the details. They will inform you as and when you need to know.”

Yamato stood back in line.

“If that is all? You are dismissed. You have ten minutes to leave the village and be on your way. Good luck.”

The six saluted him and left as fast as possible. Minato paused a second before taking off his hat and placing it on his desk. He sat down and wrote a scroll to his son. As soon as it was finished he took off his still shiny and only slightly dented forehead protector. He buffed it on his sleeve before sliding it into a small parcel with the letter-scroll. He took a spare headband from a drawer in his desk and fastened it around his forehead as he left to wait with Kushina.

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After ordering a retreat of his forces, he summoned Gamabunta for the last time. He was starting to get sick of that phrase; every “last time” he passed he came closer to his last breath, his last memory, his last look at his son. Oh, his son, his precious beautiful son. The only chance of seeing him again was if something terrible happened. He hated himself for not having the strength to choose another path.

Turning to Gamabunta, he bowed slightly in greeting.
“So, Bunta, ready to kick ass and take names with me one last time?”

“You bet kid! Lets make it one for the ages.”

He secured himself to Bunta’s head with chakra as the massive toad leapt in to engage the raging beast, slashing at it with his tower sized Tanto and giving Minato time to prepare the hand seals.

As the beast roared, Bunta crossed his arms in front of himself to shield against the chakra infused wind, holding his blade up to defend Minato and his son. The Kyuubi took the opportunity to take a downward swipe at Bunta’s face.

The blow was crushing, but Bunta cast all his might into a parry, preventing half his face from being torn off. One of Kyuubi’s claws still had the reach to gouge into his face, almost taking out his eye but managing to give him a scar to match the one on the left side of his face. The ground underneath Gamabunta had already cracked, but it was starting to buckle under the force of the blow. A few more hits like that and his Tanto would smash, leaving him in a hole large enough to serve as his grave…that was if the Kyuubi didn’t eat him after killing him.

“Hurry up kid, this bastard is on a different level to me. I can’t take too many of those hits or I’m dead.”

“Sorry Bunta, I need a few more seconds.”

The Kyuubi started drawing chakra towards his mouth, compressing it down. The massive Toad, closest he had ever come to worried, liked to believe he only sounded just the tiniest bit rushed. “HURRY UP KID, WE DON’T HAVE A FEW SECONDS!”

The sheer desperation in Gamabunta’s voice made Minato’s hands blur with speed.

The beast drew back it’s head, light shining between the gaps in it’s massive teeth. When it snapped it’s head back down it was going to be over. In an act of total desperation Gamabunta thrust forward with his Tanto, nailing shut the Kyuubi’s maw as the pressure approached it’s maximum. The titanic force proved to be too much for the beast to contain. In a cataclysmic explosion it’s head and part of it’s upper body exploded, flattening trees for almost a mile and setting those closest on fire.

Just as the pyrotechnics ended, the Shinigami materialized into the Mortal realm. It seized the still formed part of the Kyuubi. Dragging the hind legs and tails into the air and fed it into Naruto, sealing the energy away.

The remnants of the Kyuubi, thrown away in the blast, quickly drew together into a significantly smaller form. Minato, exhausted though he was, tried to get the Shinigami to make a lunge for the recovering beast, but his chakra just wasn‘t enough incentive. The Fox shakily rose to it’s feet before stumbling away, disorientated. A string of curses left Minato’s mouth as he staggered along the head of the stunned and badly burned Gamabunta. The remains of the toad’s massive Tanto still gripped in his bleeding hand. The Shinigami trailed behind Minato. It‘s hands moved slowly, as inexorably as death, as it began to form seals of purple light which began to attach to Minato‘s skin.

“Bunta, BUNTA! Get off your lazy Yakuza ass or you’re going to make your family a laughing stock.”

Bunta’s eye’s opened seemingly out of sheer annoyance. Pah, I still have the energy to kick your disrespectful ass.”

“Then wake the hell up, shrink down, get off your broken up ass and take my son to Kushina. Don’t stop for anything and don’t let anyone see you.” Minato was starting to look paler with every passing second, They both knew his time was up.

“Yeah, yeah. Even on the brink of death you’re a pain. I‘m going to miss you kid. Want me to give a message to your girl?”

Minato placed Naruto onto the waiting tongue of the Toad boss. Taking a moment to caress the child’s cheek with his now shaking hand. “Nah, she knows I love her anyway…actually. Tell her that I think she looks prettier with her hair up.”

Minato leaned in to give Naruto a kiss on the forehead. As his vision started to go dark he burned the image of Naruto sleeping into his failing mind.

“Huh?” Gamabunta started shrinking down to a smaller size until he was about the height of a small house. He gently stored Naruto in his mouth.

“Before all this…I…bought her a…new hair clip… never got the….chance to see her use it...”

Minato stumbled down to the ground, tripping over some exposed and charred roots, spinning, trying to keep his footing. He fell, landing on the charred ground. The rain beat down on his stilling form as the last few seals slid in place.

“Even…if…Naruto… doesn’t get…the summoning scroll…look after…him…for me…Bun…ta.”

His head slowly dropped to his chest as he grew silent, his soul ripped out of his body and slipped into Gamabunta before finding the flesh of his child.

Bunta stood there, his head down slightly. He really would miss the kid. He would look after this Gaki like he was his own. After he delivered the infant to Kushina, he would have to go have a word with Jiriya. He’d be damned if the kid didn’t sign the summoning scroll. He shrunk down further until he was the size of a horse and hopped off into the darkness.

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Kushina had hardly given birth twenty minutes earlier when Jiriya and Sarutobi appeared at her bedside with a bundle of cloth. The medic nin who had been tending to her finished up the last of the treatments, a desperate attempt to make the fatigued woman capable of travel. The med nin turned, before bowing low to Sarutobi as the newly reinstated Hokage giving him permission to start the memory replacement Jutsu. A few seconds later the Med nin collapsed, unconscious. All the important information was sealed away, being replaced with mundane conversations and the tragic death of Mother and Son.

When the village discovered the death of the Fourth’s family, it would become yet another reason to mourn, but better that than many of the possible alternatives.

Kushina’s voice was heartbreaking, cracking as she kept her composure as rigid as she could. “So…the Jutsu worked as Minato thought it would?”

Jiriya looked down, his face full of pain. His normal, cheerfully perverted personality completely submerged. “Yeah…his soul is in Naruto, guarding the seal. He is partially aware but he can’t do anything unless something goes wrong, and even then it will probably only be a once off thing. The soul can only affect so much when outside of the body before it gets taken to wherever they go. At least he wasn’t eaten by the Shinigami. The kid was too good for that fate.”

Kushina held out her arms as Sarutobi gently passed the child to her.

“I know this is hard for you Kushina, but you must understand that Naruto isn’t Minato, in the exact same way as he isn’t the Kyuubi. If you treat him like he is the former, it will destroy him just as surely as the villagers treating him as the latter.”

Kushina’s eyes met his and he felt as if his soul would shatter. The barely suppressed pain in them hurt more than the sharpest Kunai.

“I know Sarutobi-san. He is Uzumaki Namikaze Naruto. Son of Namikaze Minato, he is my son. That is more than enough.”

Jiriya passed her a backpack full of storage scrolls before running through what each one contained that was necessary for the journey. He eventually got through the entire list before taking a pot of ink and a brush out of an inside pocket. After asking Kushina’s permission, he sketched a seal onto the forehead of the sleeping child.

“This seal will last at most seven days. It will silence his cries after a two feet perimeter so you can hear him, but no-one else will unless they get so close it won‘t matter anyway. It also lets sound in, so you won’t have to worry about not hearing incoming people. It has the added effect of shielding him from any fast approaching object, but that will need to be charged with your own Chakra. It’s a rush job so it also drains Chakra at an incredible rate. It would leave me dead or unconscious after five or six uses, in your current condition you could use it twice, and maybe push five at full health. Any more and you will die. Only use it as a last resort.”

Kushina nodded numbly as she got up from the bed with Naruto in her arms. After reluctantly passing the child to Sarutobi, she went behind a lone medical screen to get dressed properly. After putting on her combat gear she threw on her flak jacket, zipping it up before grabbing the back pack Jiriya had given her. She swung it onto her shoulders before fastening on her usual leg and hip pouches. When she came out she stood before them, looking lost. She took Naruto back into her arms, her eyes becoming somewhat more focused. She paused a moment before finally nodding and leaving to slip out of the village.

Sarutobi’s sigh was easy to interpret as he went up to the roof with Jiriya to make the announcements to the gathering nin. “I hope we did the right thing by sending them away.”

Judging from the roars of pain and hatred that encompassed the village, it seemed they had.

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Kushina had covered sixty seven miles in three days. It was a laughable pace for a ninja, but it was to be expected. She was still making remarkable speed for her condition. Over and over again in a low whisper she chanted the words that were driving her; that were stopping her from crumpling to her knees and crying herself to death. Her mouth felt dry. She would have to drink soon. Naruto would wake in an hour or so and he would need to feed too.

“Doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto.”

Three days…she held him as tightly as she dared. Nothing would take him away. Nothing.

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On the afternoon of the seventh day, she finally came within a few hundred yards of where the outpost should be. She stopped, before using a Jutsu to camouflage herself and Naruto completely. After a few seconds, she made a Kage Bunshin. She ordered it forward to scope the place out. As it went to leave, it stopped and looked down at it’s arms, moving them uselessly as if to hold a Naruto it didn’t have. She would not let a Bunshin have him, even if it only held a copy. The Bunshin turned back and reached out pleadingly towards the real Naruto, a dead look in it’s eyes, before Kushina compelled it to leave. Tears rolled down the face of the Bunshin Kushina as it was rebuked; it’s eyes rapidly becoming totally devoid of life. It turned mechanically and left to accomplish it’s mission.

After a few minutes, she received the information from the dispersed clone. She ruthlessly crushed the terrible and profound feeling of loss the Kage Bunshin had been experiencing before it’s mind broke. That done, she began sifting through the recent knowledge she had gained.

The first piece of important information she retrieved was the location of the building. A squat, thick slab of tan rock, It’s upper floor narrower than it’s bottom floor by a considerable amount. The walls enclosing the roof and second floor were coated liberally in spikes to prevent people climbing over it or hiding against it. The rock that made up the building itself looked to be the regular Konoha outpost affair which meant seal-n- steel reinforced. The outpost would undoubtedly also have the regular outer seal defences.

As for the shinobi component of the outpost, Anko had probably been guarding the door. she couldn’t tell for sure because of the extremely skilled application of a middle ranking camouflage Jutsu that took the clone a few seconds of concentrated observation to confirm. A minute after that “Anko” had changed guards with Hayate. His attempt at hiding was using Henge after he had taken up position. It would have been a relatively good showing were it not for the fact that he became a bush in an area that had been obviously cleared for line of sight, after waltzing out like it was a day at the park. If it was an enemy masquerading as the genin, they were very skilled at their job of showing an almost naïve level of ability.

After that the clone went around the perimeter of the forest looking out for other guards she could possibly identify. She stopped halfway around when she spotted someone stalking across the roof. It wasn’t as good a job as “Anko” but still impressive in it’s own right. Probably Yuugao. Tracking specialists were inevitably skilled in hiding, as not only did you have to hide from who you were hunting, you had to think like someone who was being stalked by enemies.

Somewhat satisfied, Kushina created another Kage Bunshin. She destroyed it’s awareness before it even formed, linking up her senses to it’s own to use it as a puppet. The Bunshin reached down into one of Kushina’s hip pouches. Withdrawing the confirmation scroll Minato had written, for the smallest of moments a spark of life seemed to appear in it’s eyes, gone before it could truly exist. It turned and trudged wearily to a few feet away from the tree line, hidden partially behind some bushes and a fallen log. The Bunshin quickly pulled up a face mask before tying up it’s hair and covering it with a bandana. It would be unwise to let them know who she was straight off the bat. Using the medium of the Kage Bunshin, Kushina made a quick series of birdcalls that even a genin like Hayate would know meant “Friendly approaching, do not attack.”

The ‘bush’ rustled a little bit as Hayate probably reached for a kunai and his black-ops headset. An intense heat shimmer came into existence as the bases defences were activated. The door set into the rock swung open as a bear of a teenager, bigger than most grown men, cautiously stepped out. Ibiki, if she wasn’t mistaken. He stood with apparent disdain but to a trained eye he was ready to move or attack in any direction. The Kushina Bunshin slowly slid out from behind her concealment, both hands out to the side.

“Don’t move. Just say yes or no. Do you have it?”

“Yes.”

“Reach for it, slowly, and without any sudden movements show me the seal and the Kanji.”

Kushina slowly turned the scroll to show the Blue seal and the silver Sora Kanji.

“Who holds our orders.”

“Mr blue sky.”

“Okay, now unseal it.”

With a quick application of chakra, the seal unlocked and Kushina held it at the ready.

“Toss it over.”

She threw it underhand, its lazy arc terminating as it struck the heat shimmer where it slowed and stopped as if stuck in a web. Ibiki reached forward easily, grabbing it, before having to exert visible strain to pull his arm back through the barrier. He seemed to examine the scroll before scanning it with chakra. He pulled the scroll open slowly, suspicious of any traps that might catch him off guard and send him to an early grave. If there was enough of him left to bury. After a few seconds of not turning into a red mist, he seemed to relax ever so slightly.

“It’s legitimate. Welcome to Fort Hana, Commander, although I am curious why it took you so long to get here. We were worried you had been intercepted.”

Kushina did not move, she did however speak up. “There is an indecently dressed ninja among you, what is her previous Sensei’s lucky charm?”

Ibiki looked confused for a second before using his radio and whispering into it, after a few seconds he nodded. “The skin of a white snake.”

Kushina began to walk forward, appeased.

“Thank you, Morino-san. If you would, escort me around the facility. We will be here for a number of days before we can move. Afterwards, I want to get settled in for an hour, then everyone will have to report for briefing.”

As the barrier deactivated, she walked past Ibiki, before stopping.

“For future reference, you need to work on your stealth skills Gekko-San. A performance such as yours will lead to a fast death. This is a mission, not a picnic.”

The clone walked on.

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Ibiki, Anko, Yuugao and Genma were dispersed across the spacious living space. It was large enough for twenty people and it’s furnishings were comfortable enough. Anko and Ibiki were playing cards at a table while Yuugao paced anxiously around the room. Genma sat on a sofa on the other side of the room, flicking through a magazine on musical instruments. An assorted pile of magazines lay on the coffee table across from him.

Everyone was agitated to one degree or another. No-one knew who their Commander was or what they looked like. All they could tell was she was female. Not knowing about someone was a hazardous business for a shinobi.

After another round of pacing on the part of Yuugao, Anko started tapping her foot in exasperation. The rookie Chuunin’s pacing was annoying as hell and Anko had already been pissed for days. Then the commander bitch just shows up well after she should have and locks herself in a room after going through a tour of the place without saying a word. Just as she was about to tear into the Chuunín, Genma threw his magazine down. Then he stood up and grabbed the girl, pulling her out her out of the room. Surprised, Anko turned her head to Ibiki, one of her eyebrows raised.

“A bit forward wasn’t he? I’m surprised she didn’t punch him out for dragging her off.”

Ibiki grinned at her. “You don’t realise how much killing intent you were releasing, do you? You had shocked her into a cycle. I was just wondering how long it would take for the kid to drag her out of the room before you killed her. Especially considering he was a step away from pissing his pants. I‘m surprised he managed it at all. Good thing you weren‘t angry at him.”

“Shit. I was making her pace? For how long?”

“About thirty minutes.”

“And you didn’t tell me?”

Another smirk from Ibiki. “A man needs entertainment.”

“Scarred bastard.”

“Snake bitch.”

“Heh, I love you too Ibiki-tan.”

“…I‘m going to wake up with snakes in my bed again, aren‘t I?”

“Maybe if you win this hand you might just find a pretty purple haired snake in your bed.”

“Manda has a human form?”

“Virgin.”

“Cock tease.”

“Torture freak.”

“Whore in training.”

“I do love it when you talk dirty to me, Ibiki-tan.”

“Hurry up and deal the cards, and no cheating this time. I’m still not happy about buying you that crate of Dango and finding out you screwed me over after you finished the whole thing. You didn’t even share.”

Anko grinned as she started tossing out the cards.

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The Kage Bunshin proxy had calmed down enough to think objectively for a while. She needed to confirm whether or not any of her forces would freak out about her son being a Jinchurikki. She would have to be prepared to kill all of them if they reacted badly. She had already filled the place with camouflaged explosive notes. If they reacted negatively, shadow proxy activates them and boom, no more problem on that front. The only difficulty was it would create a whole new array of problems.

The thought of killing some of the younger ex-Konoha ninja’s made her feel sick, but no-one was more important than Naruto. He was all she really had left now. Even if she started to rebuild her life it would mean nothing without him.

Sighing, she called all the ninja in, replacing those on guard with two of her own Kage Bunshins. After the six assembled before her, she calmly cleared her throat and began.

“Do you trust the Fourth?”

A series of confused nods greeted her question.

“Completely? With your very lives and every ounce of your beings?”

A variety of positive answers poured forth from the nin’s mouths, confusion and apprehension in their tones.

“Do you trust him enough to believe whatever he did was enough to prevent the Kyuubi from harming us ever again? That anything he did would be enough to protect everyone?”

Tired of the games Anko shouted, “Of course we do you stupid bitch, he’s probably the only person who’s never fucked anyone around. He wouldn’t deliberately put us in danger.”

Her mask hid it, but Kushina had a small smile at the brash Kunoichi’s response. She turned a baleful glare at everyone else.

“And do you all feel the same as this girl?”

Each of them nodded without hesitation.

“What if I told you the Kyuubi’s alive and the Fourth is dead.”

Everyone froze, not even their hearts seemed to beat.

“That’s…so Konoha…it’s gone? Everyone is dead?” Tenzou had been the first to break the silence, his question had the others staring at him in disbelief before turning to Kushina for confirmation.

Now this, this would be where things got tricky.

“Fortunately not. Konoha is lucky enough that it had two heroes protecting it during the final fight.”

Genma was the first to respond, confusion in his voice, “Who? Jiriya?”

Kushina was wary, things were going well so far but anything could happen when she dropped the bombshell. “Before I tell you, you have to understand something. What I will tell you is the greatest secret you will ever hear in your entire lives. If you betray it I will end you, even if I have to spend the rest of my life hunting you down. If you want you can leave now. But you will never be able to come back.”

The six stood steadfast in their resolve.

“The second hero was the son of the fourth Hokage.”

All but Ibiki and Genma stood dumbfounded, Genma started yelling in disbelief. “But that’s impossible! Even if he had one his son couldn’t possibly be more than a baby!”

Ibiki however went white in the face. “Jinchurikki. The Power of Human sacrifice.”

Kushina regarded the man warily before seeing if anyone else picked up on the implications.

“You are correct, Morino-san. The Kyuubi was sealed into the son of Namikaze Minato and Uzumaki Kushina. I am not entirely aware of the mechanics of the seal , but what I do know is the child‘s mind is completely unaffected by the demon.”

Yuugao was the first to break the renewed bout of silence. “How did Konoha react?”

“How do you think they would react? Angry? Hurt? looking for someone to blame? Any child in that position would be no more than a target for their hate.”

“Then…then we’ve got to go back! We can’t just leave him like that, he’s a hero!”

‘Ah, the shining fervour in her eyes. Perhaps she can be trusted.’

“And how do the rest of you feel about protecting the child?”

A flurry of approval met Kushina’s question and despite all her concentration she couldn’t detect any malice towards Naruto. She had reached the end of the game and had to play her hand.

“Your approval is good. As you all feel this way, I am glad to tell you that we will not need to return to Konoha to rescue the child, as he is outside the bunker.”

Six pairs of eyes locked on her own as she smiled to herself in satisfaction. She gave them a moment to let the implications sink in, waiting for one of them to react first. Surprisingly, the first to break the silence was the as of yet remarkably quiet young Genin Hayate, who broke into a coughing fit strong enough to bring an unhealthy looking crimson to his pallid face. Genma lightly struck the back of the coughing Genin as Ibiki handed the boy a canteen.

“So I take it no-one has questions?”

Anko finally found her voice and started swearing profusely. Yuugao still seemed dazed, which left Tenzou to ask the relevant questions.
“If I might ask, commander-san, who are you, why do you have the child and what exactly is our mission?”

With that, the Kushina clone removed her bandanna and mask startling everyone in the room. “K-Kushina-Sama?”

“I suppose this answers your first two questions, Tenzou-san. As for the last, our objective is to reform Uzugakure and align it with Konoha. Fortunately, this will be easier than it could be. I’m on par with a Sannin and my family was well liked in Uzu. Konoha and Uzu also had pretty good relations when Uzu was still up and running. We need to draw some of the stronger Uzu nin to us to form a group the lesser Uzu nin will rally to. But I’m getting ahead of myself. First we need to decide on a good location for the village and take time to plan out our actions, so we’re going to be here for a few days. We have about a week before a Konoha patrol sweeps by to make sure this outpost hasn’t been taken over and secure it again. We’ll leave in four days just to be sure we aren’t spotted. Any more questions?

Kushina waited a few seconds as they stood in stunned silence before ushering them out the door. And with that the clone dispersed. Kushina’s real body sat still in the tree line as her consciousness slowly started to become whole again. After twenty seconds, she managed to regain her feet, calming the fidgeting Naruto with a few soft words as she ran her fingers through his hair, before making another few Kage Bunshin as a body guard. Things might seem to be going well with the six under her command, but trust was only given away by fools. The clones were now less insistent on having Naruto’s of their own; the need to protect the real one overriding the need to feel the comfort of having fake, lifeless, copies in their arms.

The group of Kushina’s entered the bunker, hoping that things would work out.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been three days since Kushina had come to the Outpost. The only time any of her ninja saw her was brief glimpses as she sent out a few Kage Bunshin to replace the ones on watch, or to fetch things for her. She had locked herself away from the group. Everyone but Yuugao felt a foreboding whenever they went near the door. Yuugao herself had always admired Kushina, even being on speaking terms with the woman and her Husband. It broke her heart to see the loud, proud and strong Kunoichi seemingly shattered by this disaster. Every day she went to the door, knocking on it to remind the Kunoichi that even though she fed Naruto she would have to eat as well; reminding her to sleep; To drink water lest she get dehydrated. The once cheerful woman would send out a Kage Bunshin to bring back whatever Yuugao reminded her of, but after talking to them on the first day she didn’t say a word.

Yuugao, worried, went to Ibiki for his opinion.

Sitting down next to the man on a couch, she spoke of her worries, the man only nodding every now and then to show he was paying attention while he flicked through a year old magazine on gardening.

“Don’t push her Yuugao, She fears us.”
“What are you talking about, Ibiki? Kushina has never been afraid of anything.”

Ibiki could only roll his eyes. “Not for herself, she knows her limits and they far exceed ours, but she is afraid for her child. Think about what she said earlier, if the truth about Naruto hadn’t been revealed in the way it was things might have gone differently. With such temperamental creatures as humans it is best to take a cautious approach. She could kill all six of us easier than you would ever believe, and she is completely prepared to do so. Don’t force her hand or you just might find a Kunai in your ribs.”

Sighing, the man closed the magazine before looking at her, placing the magazine down beside himself.

“Personally, I can understand where she is coming from. If it were my child that had become Jinchurikki I wouldn’t trust any of you either, especially not if it held the Kyuubi so soon after the destruction. Frankly, leaving Konoha was probably the smartest thing she could have done to protect Naruto. Just give her some time to calm down and relax before you do anything stupid.”

Yuugao understood where he was coming from, but she didn’t have to like it, and she made her opinion known. “But it’s not healthy for her or the baby to be cooped up in that room all the time. I haven’t even seen her leave to use the toilet.”

Ibiki leaned back into the couch, lacing his fingers together.

“Firstly, there are Jutsu to dispose of human waste. Secondly, it might surprise you to know that pretty much everything you have come to care about and rely on being taken away from you is a devastating occurrence. It might also surprise you that when something like this happens to a person, they will generally become extremely protective and violent if they perceive anything they care about to be threatened.”

Ibiki’s voice took on a lecturing tone as he leaned forward tossing the closed magazine onto the table.

“In this case, try and visualise what would happen if this was combined with someone who cared about something that would usually be readily discriminated against. Imagine that person, who cares about something that was almost guaranteed to be universally hated, had the power to close her hand around your skull and crush it like an egg faster than your comparatively feeble chuunin level chakra enhanced brain could comprehend.”

After sighing Ibiki stopped for a moment, rubbing the bridge of his nose before continuing.

“There is no doubt in my mind that she would have killed any one of us but you if we had shown as much interest as you have at this point. She trusts you, to an extent, because of your pre existing relationship. Probably everyone else from Konoha is an enemy until proven otherwise. As I said before, you can push further than anyone here, but don’t push too far until she’s ready or you have an exceptionally good reason. Unless you want to be handed your still-beating heart?”

Yuugao grimaced for a moment before speaking.

“I have to say, you and Anko-san are taking this very well, the others are nervous.”

Ibiki’s mouth twitched up at the corner as he considered his answer.

“Well, there is a simple reason for that. Panicking in this situation would probably be detrimental to my life expectancy. As for Anko-Chan, she’s calm because she’s already prepared to die and has planned several ways to try kill Kushina-san.”

“WHAT!”

Yuugao slapped her hands over her mouth before looking around and leaning in closer to Ibiki, her voice coming out in a harsh whisper.

“What do you mean she’s planned to kill Kushina-san?!”

“Firstly, Anko has a plan to kill everybody, she says it‘s bad business not to when you‘re an assassin. Secondly-”

Suddenly, a pair of arms and a dozen snakes wrapped around Yuugao, before a breathy, playful voice spoke softly right next to her ear.

“What’s this Ibiki-Kun, telling tales?”

The air from Anko’s speech tickled Yuugao’s ear, making her twitch away. Anko, noticing moved in to playfully lick it before biting down on it rather painfully.

“Be careful what you go around asking people, some don’t like their secrets getting out.”

Releasing Yuugao’s ear, she stood up to her full height. Placing her hands on Yuugao‘s shoulders, she glared down at Ibiki, practically snarling, her grip and the snakes tightened painfully on Yuugao.

“And as for you!”

Her glare turned into a sadistic smile as she leaned towards him, giving Ibiki an eyeful as she spoke in a mock whisper.

“I wouldn’t go around gossiping like a woman unless you want to lose what makes you a man.”

Ibiki flashed one of his trademark smirks.

“Wouldn’t dream of it Anko. tell me, how did the Dango turn out after?”

Anko suddenly started beaming.

“Oh, they didn’t stock the kitchen with all the ingredients to make really awesome ones, but they were still pretty damn good!”

Twitching in pain and quite intimidated, Yuugao’s voice was barely above a whisper. “Eh, can you please let me go Anko-san?”

Anko looked down, surprise all over her face as she completely forgot Yuugao was there. To Yuugao’s immense relief she released her grip and the snakes before shrugging nonchalantly. Ibiki’s eyes concentrated on the interesting movement of her developing assets just like Anko had planned.

“Window shopping, Ibiki?”

“Yes, I want to make sure the product is up to scratch.”

Slowly parting her trench coat while cupping her breasts, showing slightly more than the coat normally allowed, Anko leaned forward more, taking on the most seductive voice a fifteen year old could pull off.

“Mmm, you can’t buy quality like this, I-bi-ki Kuuuun.”

“Sorry Anko, if you’re trying to get a raise out of me you’re going to have to work harder at your seduction. As…impossible as it seems, I’m used to your usual weaponry.”

Noticing Yuugao was still twitching in the chair Ibiki turned a concerned eye to her.

“Something the matter Yuugao-San?”

“I…think something…cracked.”

“Ah, well that tends to happen when Anko is involved. It is a stroke of luck, though. Kushina-San is the only one here with the skill to set bones with Chakra, and you’re concerned with her sanity. Just go up, tell her something is broken and if she doesn’t hand you your liver the second you walk through the door, you can inquire about her and Naruto. Subtly, of course. You don’t want to annoy her when she has her hands anywhere near your neck or ribs.”

“Em, thanks for reassuring me?”

“No thanks required, Yuugao-San.”

“I’d like some thanks!”

“Sit down Anko, you broke some of her bones.”

After Yuugao got up, Anko slumped down on in her place, pretending to pout as a grin was threatening to break out on her face.

Genma, leaning against a wall where he had been reading a magazine just stared, shaking his head.

“Everyone in this place is insane.”
“I heard that, Genin! And it’s not insanity, it’s sexual tension and friendly rivalry!”

“Keep telling yourself that, Anko-Chan. Maybe you’ll convince yourself some day.”

“Shut it, Ibiki.”
Tell me what you guys think, and if it's worth reading or if I should just give it up as a bad job.
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby ewuvi » August 30th, 2009, 6:41 pm

Going section by section because I'm doing this as a break from Bio notes.
Spoiler: show
It was quite a trying day for Minato. The council was breathing down his neck and his sensei had been arguing with the Sandaime all day. On the bright side, he was going to be a father changed to father because I prefer the connotation of father over dad. Father implies more duty and responsibility and whatnot than Dad does.very soon. Sentence break because the thoughts aren't connected enough for a comma, as far as I can tell. The beautiful panoramic windows in his office afforded an excellent view of the massive fox demon laying waste to the village. Minato tilted his head slightly as the over-sized fluffball’s maw suddenly dropped open. Judging from the rattle of the reinforced windows and the large quantities of rubble flying about, quite a few of his ninja had just been killed by a goddamned,possibly bedamned?roar.

Better word economy Dark, I'm looking forward to going through the rest of it, but you know how pathetic my attention span is. :biggrin1
Will edit to add more as I do it.
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby Darkandus » August 31st, 2009, 4:27 pm

When you have the time could you give me a few examples of how to apply word economy to a few of the worst offending passages? I suppose it's because I'm looking at it from a biased angle but I can't really see any way to shorten it and retain the content. :oops:
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby Kirai » August 31st, 2009, 4:56 pm

You could look through what Psalm wrote on my attempt at a story. He was pretty helpfull.

I wanted to have a readthrough of the improved version, but didn't have time till now and now I'm just too sleepdeprived... hell I've been that for most of the day.

One thing to keep in mind though is wheter or not you need to keep the content or if you can simply thrash it. Seems I have to do that quite extensively in the current part of the freaking prolog. Ugh brain hurts too little sleep

Me go sleep now...
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby Psalm Of Fire » September 8th, 2009, 3:22 pm

Hey Darkandus, I can try to help there a bit. I'm swamped as of late, and you've got a nice hefty chunk posted there, so I'm not going to be able to go through it, but, what I can do is work on a paragraph or two to help illustrate the principle! Grab two paragraphs where you think the word economy is at its lowest and post them and I'll run over it and detail where and why I think they can be slimmed down.
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby Darkandus » September 9th, 2009, 5:01 pm

Thanks Psalm. :biggrin2

I'd say these two are good examples of it.

The remnants of the Kyuubi, thrown away in the blast, quickly drew together into a significantly smaller form. Minato, exhausted though he was, tried to get the Shinigami to make a lunge for the recovering beast, but his chakra just wasn‘t enough incentive. The Fox shakily rose to it’s feet before stumbling away, disorientated. A string of curses left Minato’s mouth as he staggered along the head of the stunned and badly burned Gamabunta. The remains of the toad’s massive Tanto still gripped in his bleeding hand. The Shinigami trailed behind Minato. It‘s hands moved slowly, as inexorably as death, as it began to form seals of purple light which began to attach to Minato‘s skin.

On the afternoon of the seventh day, she finally came within a few hundred yards of where the outpost should be. She stopped, before using a Jutsu to camouflage herself and Naruto completely. After a few seconds, she made a Kage Bunshin. She ordered it forward to scope the place out. As it went to leave, it stopped and looked down at it’s arms, moving them uselessly as if to hold a Naruto it didn’t have. She would not let a Bunshin have him, even if it only held a copy. The Bunshin turned back and reached out pleadingly towards the real Naruto, a dead look in it’s eyes, before Kushina compelled it to leave. Tears rolled down the face of the Bunshin Kushina as it was rebuked; it’s eyes rapidly becoming totally devoid of life. It turned mechanically and left to accomplish it’s mission.
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby Psalm Of Fire » September 9th, 2009, 7:52 pm

Thanks Psalm. :biggrin2

I'd say these two are good examples of it.

The remnants of the Kyuubi, thrown away in the blast, quickly drew together into a significantly smaller form. This sentence uses a lot of large words. That's fine and good, but sometimes it doesn't serve the action based paragraph as well as the rest of the narrative. At the start you are also telling me that the Kyuubi _was_ thrown into bits by the blast, instead of writing it in a way that the reader "sees" it happening.

Minato, exhausted though he was, tried to get the Shinigami to make a lunge for the recovering beast, but his chakra just wasn‘t enough incentive.

"exhausted though he was" is telling me that he's exhausted, instead of showing me. If this is Minato's perspective, then this stuff can slip by, but it's really short-changing yourself a chance to deeper emotionally involve the audience, so unless you have another thing more important to hightlight in the sentence it would be a good idea to show. "tried to get" can be replaced by "compelled". Sure, it doesn't indicate that he was only trying and not succeeding, but that is communicated a few words later, and the new word keeps the reader more on the edge of their seat. They don't know the outcome right away and if feels like there seeing it the second it happens, and then the second it fails.

The Fox shakily rose to it’s feet before stumbling away, disorientated.

Is "disorientated" a word? Do you mean disoriented? He he he, it's fun to say.

*ahem* Right, back to business. You're telling us the fox is shaky when you could show it. Even a change as simple as "the Fox's pushed him self up, legs shaking" conveys that sense of now, rather than a distanced retelling.


A string of curses left Minato’s mouth as he staggered along the head of the stunned and badly burned Gamabunta.

Didn't much picture Minato with a sailor's mouth, but that has nothing to do with what I'm trying to show here! It could be made good.

This sentence reflects what the previous ones have also done: combined two to try and make it a more sophisticated or elegant approach. This is something I have a ton of trouble with, but fortunately I know the cure: When we read we hear the words in our head, almost as if they were spoken. That same auditory dissecting part of the brain that is used to interpret speech is engaged when dealing with the written word. This means a lot of things for writers, but when pertaining to action scenes, it means that fast, short sentences are digested in a similar way to a person who is speaking out of breath. The carry the intensity and speed of the scene with them. When you use elongated sentences, more as if the reader is listening to a narrator taking their time, almost more contimplative. It also take more digesting from the reader, slowing their experience of the scene down; in short, it can, and does in the case of what I've read so far, deflate an action sequence.

So this is what I'd recommend:
"A string of curses flew from Minato's mouth as he staggered forward. He veered away from the burned half of his summon's head and looked over it's edge." Here I also swapped the tame and docile verb "left" for something more kinetic: flew. Also, I set Minato up as seeing what comes in the next sentence, making the flow from one sentence to the next feel more smooth. All in all, withe 8 more words, we've shown instead of told of the burns, set up for the next sentence, and given the reader a feeling of being in the action.

The remains of the toad’s massive Tanto still gripped in his bleeding hand.

Here there are too many descriptors; I finished the sentence without one clear thought in my mind. Noting that the Tanto is massive sheds the spotlight on it, and then you mention the bleeding hand. I feel the sentence is much stronger if we cut "massive", something we already know, and leave "bleeding", something much more relevant to the situation. Also, "bleeding" doesn't show me what his hand looks like or how bad the injury is. I would suggest using words like "mangled"(for heavy damage), "serrated" (for moderate), and "slashed"(for more mild). The sentence would then read "The remains of the toad's tanto still gripped in his bleeding hand."

Now, as you'll notice, the sentence is a fragment like the original. The implied verb is "were" or "was". This mean's you're showing us something that is, not something that's happening, aka this is a passive sentence, not an active. Active sentences are almost universally considered better, especially in an action scene. So we need some active action to focus on, and I suggest the blood. Here's what that might look like: "Blood dribbled from the toad's mauled hand to the broken gleaming fragments of his tanto, hilt still cluched." Now this actually uses more desciptors because I found the imagery cool, but the focus of this sentence isn't one item or another, but to portray the desolation Gamabunta recieved, and I feel that rings through clearly. However, this is what it might look like as a faster sentence, "Blood from the toad's mangled hand trailed along the broken edge of his tonto, still cluched tight."


The Shinigami trailed behind Minato. It‘s hands moved slowly, as inexorably as death, as it began to form seals of purple light which began to attach to Minato‘s skin.

"Began to form seals" takes me out of the moment because I don't see what's happening, I see what's happening and going to happen for some time after that. You can limit the scope to the present with "began forming a seal." It will take a sentence two or more, but I will be shown instead of told what is happening.
The revised version, incorperating faster, shorter sentences, active verbs, and showing instead of telling:
With the blast hunks of Kyuubi's luminescent chakra-flesh flew apart, only to draw back together. They quickly took shape, head and tails protruding. With a shaking breath Minato demanded a final surge from the Shinigami. It remained still, uncompelled by his failing chakra. The fox pushed itself up on trembling new legs and stumbled in swift retreat.

Minato staggered forward and a string of curses blast from his mouth. He veered from the burned half of his summons head and looked down the opposite side. Blood from the toad's mangled hand trailed along the broken edge of the tonto, still clutched tight.

Minato's head snapped around to see the Shinigami bring his hands together, as unstoppable as death, forming a seal. Deep purple chakra washed over the fingers, trailing up like fire. It moved to the next seal. A third, and when the boney fingers made contact the purple flame burst outwards, washing Minato like a wave. The wave dissipated and the chakra clung to exposed skin, crawled along under his battle robe until every inch was lit.
I altered a few things from the recommended sentences because it felt better all together. I also embellished with the description, and there's a reason. Part of what felt like was a lack of word economy could have been the long, complex sentences, the descriptions dry of action, or the emotionally compelling language that we lap up. In the end, in this case, more may feel like less, because the more is more consumable and the kind we crave.

I also added "Minato's head snapped around to see" to give a more natural transition as to why the attention shifts from his bloodied summon to the Shinigami. We're seeing what Minato is seeing.

Your version came in at 116 words and 8 sentences, and the revision at 178 and 14 sentences. In this case it was not poor word economy, but thick sentences and distanced telling that slowed the work down. As always, I recognize that this is not the only way to do it. Do you feel I missed something? Was there something I focused too much on? Want to add or remove a bit? And feel free to blend the changes into your style, this is your work. Or toss it aside and only retain the principles you agree with behind it, whatever works.

On the afternoon of the seventh day, she finally came within a few hundred yards of where the outpost should be.

That comma is unneeded, just sayin'. Aside from that, great sentence!

She stopped, before using a Jutsu to camouflage herself and Naruto completely.

Read this sentence aloud, make sure to "say" the comma. Now read it without. See? No need. As for word economy, if "she" has used this jutsu before or it has been used before, you can drop "using a jutsu to" for just "before camouflaging".

After a few seconds, she made a Kage Bunshin.

Read aloud with, and then without. See?

On a side note, if this is from Naruto's perspective I would use a more natural measurement of time, like "After a few hushed breaths she made a Kage Bunshin." Also, because this isn't combat, I would suggest merging it with the next sentence.


She ordered it forward to scope the place out. As it went to leave, it stopped and looked down at it’s arms, moving them uselessly as if to hold a Naruto it didn’t have.

"uselessly" confuses me because if it's being used to communicate, it's not useless. Also, it gave me the mental image of a retarded clone that got screwed up in the formation. And word economy also votes it get's kicked. "A Naruto it didn't have" can be swapped for "a missing Naruto" or just "Naruto".

She would not let a Bunshin have him, even if it only held a copy.

You're telling us. You could show us by a strong refusal or something.

The Bunshin turned back and reached out pleadingly towards the real Naruto, a dead look in it’s eyes, before Kushina compelled it to leave.

Hella disturbing. Not saying that's a bad thing. Did the Clone get a dead look in it's eyes after refusal, or did it have it there the whole time? If it's the first, you need to indicate that, as for now I see a zombie-esque clone wanting to steal Naruto.

Tears rolled down the face of the Bunshin Kushina as it was rebuked; it’s eyes rapidly becoming totally devoid of life.

Semicolon can only be used to connect two complete sentences (or items in a list, but that doesn't apply here). On another note, normally I try to write event in the order they happen. For instance, rebuke and then tears, not mentioning the tears and then the rebuke. Using the second method requires the reader to piece the actions together in one's mind, rather than just seeing them as they happen. Also, because of the speed of the actions listed, request and reply, the word "rappidly" can be removed because we already assume it's happening that fast unless mentioned otherwise. If you want to explicitly imply rapidity, use something more evocative for the verb, like "life(or light) fled from it's eyes". It shows both speed and emotional reaction in less words.

It turned mechanically and left to accomplish it’s mission.
I'm left feeling Kushina is somewhat neurotically dependent on having Naruto wither her at that moment, AKA lacking a level head and/or perspective (this is because this is how the clone acted, which is a copy of the actual person just in a different situation). The clone, even with it's self awareness of being a copy and designed to do a job to help the Naruto it loves survive, clings. It seems pretty selfish too. I'm not criticizing, this is very emotionally evocative and I was affected (a good thing), but I just want you know what I see and feel from those emotions.

--

Okay! The goal of this was to show word economy, but there were only a few words that were obviously extraneous. What, instead, I think is the issue that is lending that slow feeling is the overuse of weak Verbs and, occasionally, weak nouns. Like "let out" for Minato's cursing or "drained of life" for the clones eyes, both are weak in their context and stock descriptions I've read many times before.

Now for the application part of the lession: take another paragraph that you feel is slow and make a list. Under each sentence list it's nouns] and verbs. Then, list the adjectives or adverbs associated with the noun or verb. Then find a noun or verb that says the same thing as those nouns and verbs with their modifiers, and rewrite the sentence with the new words.

Example:
1. Mark drove swiftly down the dusty, bumpy road as wave after wave of heat poured through his window. 2. Fat bugs smashed on the dirty, nasty windshield. 3. As the car ahead sped up, Mark whiped his sticky forehead and pressed the gas down hard.

1. Mark, drove swiftly down, dusty bumpy Road, wave after wave Heat, poured through, window.
Mark, raced down, tortured road. (Rest uneeded)
1r. Mark raced down the tortured road.
2. Fat bugs, smashed, dirty nasty windshield.
Locusts, collected, windshield.
2r. With every thumb the Locusts slime thickened on his windshield.
3. Car, sped up, mark, wiped, stick forehead, pressed, gas, down hard.
3r. The fleeing car accelerated with a roar. Mark smashed the gas and swiped his forehead.

Result: Mark raced down the tortured road. With every thumb the Locusts slime thickened on his windshield, obscuring the car a head. The fleeing car accelerated with a roar. Mark smashed the gas and swiped his forehead.


See how that is just more exciting, faster? And like I did you can swap the new verbs out for something that works better in the context of the sentence and whatnot.

Looking forward to seeing your result! Make sure you post the original paragraph with the new one so I can compare.

Psalm.

EDIT: Cleaned up some sentences.
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby Ironwolf » September 23rd, 2009, 3:47 pm

A nit to pick that hasn't been picked is that its Jiraiya, not Jiriya.
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby Darkandus » November 12th, 2009, 4:18 am

Right, after having no real motivation to do anything with this due do my distinct lack of desire to write this is the version I'll be putting up on FFnet, I have however managed to alter a few things and I belive it's an improvement. If no-one spots any glaring problems It will be going up on sunday. It is pretty clearly an AU so some things didn't happen at the same time or in the same way as in canon. Hence changes in timeline.

If you spot any significant problems kindly tell me please. And if its not to much troublegive me an impression of whether you think its worth posting on FFnet.
Spoiler: show
Resurrecting a Heritage

It was quite a trying day for Minato. The council was breathing down his neck and his Sensei had been arguing with the Sandaime all day. On the bright side, he was going to be a Father very soon, and the beautiful panoramic windows in his office afforded an excellent view of the massive fox demon laying waste to the village. Minato tilted his head curiously as the oversized fox’s maw suddenly dropped open. Judging from the rattle of the reinforced windows and the large quantities of rubble flying about, quite a few of his ninja had just been killed by a god damned roar.

Naturally it was all a bit of a shock to the system and he felt his response was quite reasonable. He did after all manage to keep his vocal displeasure down to a low shout. “Fucking overpowered bitch!”

Fires traced the demon’s path, cutting a swath through the forest. Thankfully, the monstrosity hadn't quite reached the walls yet - or rather hadn’t reached what was left of them. The smoke from it’s passage was unable to escape through the heavy rain clouds, forming a choking lair of acidic smog. Minato sighed as a flash of natural lightning in the distance confirmed the soon-to-be-acid rain. “Marvellous.” His deadpan tone hiding the torrent of conflicting emotions. A moment later the thunder joined with his beloved Kushina's screams, prompting a wince of sympathetic pain from Minato.

The soft green glow of medical chakra gave a surreal cast to the room, as a lone medic nin flitted about Kushina. Truthfully, the medic shouldn’t have even been there, but after weighing the sheer enormity of the sacrifice his family was going to make for the village, he felt it was fair the village make such a simple gesture as keeping his wife alive. When Sarutobi found out, he had seemingly been of two minds, alternately giving him that patented “I am disappointed” look or smiling at him as if to say the choice was the right way to go.

Minato was many things. Hell, he was a regular renaissance man, or whatever the ninja equivalent was. But he didn't define himself by those talents and skills, because in his humble opinion he felt he was much more than a talented sack of flesh. He was a husband, and he was going to be a father shortly. But on an even more basic level, for better or for worse, he was human, and that meant emotions that you couldn't just slap down while retaining any sense of morality.

He knew how the people would see his son. Their saviour, his legacy, would be a monster to them. They would even hate his own precious Kushina, the mother of the 'beast.' His duties as Hokage, father and husband were...conflicting, to say the least. On an intellectual level, he knew what he had to do to save the village, but, on an emotional level? Well, the boy would at least have his mother.

His wife's cries faded to panting, and she called him to her side. Minato hurried over, taking one of her small, pale hands into his own. They were sweaty, he noted over her laboured breathing.

“What is it, my dearest love?”

Her response was halted every now and then by a low moan of pain but she forged on, despite the discomfort. “I’ve been thinking, no matter what happens.” Kushina’s hand tightened around his with enough force to bring tears to his eyes, as a particularly strong contraction rocked her body. “Konoha is going to be weakened. Lots of the higher ranking ninja are going to die, you included.” Her hand tightened further, her emotions written plainly on her face. “You’re going to have to be replaced by the old goat again.”

He waited a moment for her pain to ease before posing the question he knew she was waiting for. “What’s your idea, my love?”

“After you seal the beast Konoha will need backup. The answer lies in Uzugakure.”

Minato frowned, worried that his wife might be delirious. “Honey…Uzugakure has been destroyed for years.”

She fixed him with a stare, a mixture between “Do I look stupid?” and “Are you stupid?” “I know Uzugakure is gone, but lots of it’s population escaped. If we reform it they will probably come back. I’ll find a country close by to serve as the base then we can set up an alliance once we‘re strong enough to help protect Konoha. Neither me or Naruto will be hated.”

A look of contemplation washed over Minato‘s face as he shifted slightly to give the med-nin better access. “That…that might just work…”

“You need to get some people you trust together. When the time comes we’ll leave the village and start looking for others. Only the Sandaime and Jiraiya can know the truth. Sarutobi can tell everyone that those you sent with me were killed fighting the Kyuubi. Go, we don’t have much time to set this up.”

Minato ran from the room to find Sarutobi, unwilling to seek him with Hirashin, his need to conserve chakra paramount in his mind. As he was trying to find his predecessor’s chakra signal he started thinking about his wife’s idea. Theoretically, it was sound but he didn’t know if it could actually be accomplished. All he could do was supply her with a few trustworthy people and believe in her judgement. It was probably the only chance of a decent outcome they had. It was certainly the only chance his son and his wife had for a decent future.

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Coming to a stop outside the office, he heard Sarutobi’s and his Sensei’s voices drift through the door. Opening it and slipping inside, he softly closed the door and sealed the room instantly to prevent prying eyes and ears. Minato thought it somewhat disheartening that even during the greatest crisis in the village’s history he still had to guard against spies. Turning around he saw Jiraiya and Sarutobi smoothing out their clothes. Apparently they had been grappling, about to come to blows over some stupid little thing. The two exchanged glances and started shuffling around like guilty children, Minato raised an eyebrow before speaking.

“I’d ask why you were about to start beating the hell out of each other but right now we have more important things to discuss.”

Jiraiya spoke up first, his voice still had a bit of an edge to it as he glared sullenly at his own sensei out of the corner of his eye. “And what would that be, Minato? Shouldn’t you be with Kushina right now, or have you come to help me tell this old fool that he doesn’t have the strength to seal the Kyuubi? If anyone should do it, it should be me. I have the least to lose.” His voice a mixture of upset and anger.

The deathly pale Sandaime rolled his eyes. “You still have much of your life to lead, that is why I must do it. I may be sick but I can still seal the damn demon fox, Jiraiya.”

“Oh, and you’d be willing to place all of Konoha on a fool’s bet? Tsunade must have rubbed off on you more than I expected.”

Minato slammed his fist into the wall, shaking the room and sending cracks spidering through the plaster. “GODS DAMN IT, I SAID WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DISCUSS!”

Both Jiraiya and Sarutobi froze as Minato’s voice echoed throughout the room. Never in all their years had they heard Minato voice sound so full of venom.

His voice resonated until there was naught but a deathly silence. When he spoke again his voice was caustic. “I am going to seal the beast because I am the Hokage and it’s MY son who is going to be turned into a DAMN prison. I don’t give a FUCK about your petty argument right now. I need your help!”

“You!” he spat, turning towards his Sensei, “Are going to do two things. Firstly, you are going to make up so many stories about what happened here that no-one will know which is right; the only two things that will be consistent with every story is that the demon is dead and Konoha is strong. Then you are going to spread that story over every country you have contacts in. The second thing you are going to do is track down people with safe bloodlines, clans who are unhappy with their current arrangements and people who would make good Shinobi. When the time is right you are going to send the most trustworthy of them to Kushina.”

“Why?” he tried to say, but Minato just blanked him as he turned to Sarutobi.
Minato quickly reigned in his temper, his voice calm but still containing a hint of steel.
“You have to take back your position as Hokage until you can find a decent successor. When you get into office, some Shinobi are going to have disappeared without a trace. You are going to say they are dead. In reality, they are going to be with Kushina and my son, who are also going to be classified dead.”

Now both Sarutobi and Jiraiya fixed him with a stare, making it clear that unless he had a very good reason they would do no such thing.

“Kushina had an idea. Uzugakure was destroyed, but most of it’s nin are still alive, scattered across the continent. The first part of the plan is going to be finding a decent location before recruiting some of the more prominent unaligned Uzu Shinobi and then she is going to rebuild Uzugakure and side with Konohagakure. That way Konoha has backup while it’s weak, and my wife and child will be in positions of respect instead of being hated.”

Both men seemed to mull it over. Sarutobi took out his pipe and, after going through the practiced motions of preparation, started puffing on it furiously. The room shook reminding them of the Kyuubi’s approach, warning them to think quickly, Jiraiya spoke first, a look of apprehension on his face. “It’s a solid idea, I’ll give you that. But do you think Kushina can pull it off? Don’t get me wrong, she is a smart, capable and powerful woman, but she’s hardly leadership material on that kind of scale. To be honest, she’s a bit of a hothead and the logistics of setting up even a minor village are pretty damn terrifying.”

Minato smiled wistfully. Memories of Kushina‘s more spectacular social failures running through his mind. “Yeah, she may be a hothead and doesn’t really have any practical experience. But she is also my main adviser, strong willed, and has a way of making people believe in her. She can do it. I know she can.”

At this Sarutobi spoke up. “How many Shinobi are you going to send? And who for that matter? If you send too many strong ninja Konoha will be weakened. If you send too few and they are too weak, Kushina will be in danger and won’t have the foundation needed for this; the new Uzu will collapse before it can begin.”

“I was thinking of sending Gekko Hayate, Mitarashi Anko, Shiranui Genma, Morino Ibiki, Uzuki Yuugao and Tenzou.”

Jiraiya took the chance to jump in with his assessment of the choices. His voice starting off artificially sweet before devolving into a full on rant. “Oh, that’s perfe-ARE YOU INSANE! First of all, six ninja. Six? And not one of them Jonín! And then the ones you picked…you want to send your wife and newborn son out into the world, on a ridiculously dangerous mission, with a barely graduated genin so sick he would be lucky to make twenty; Orochimaru‘s prized apprentice; a rookie with no apparent skills; a man who is shaping up to be the next head of T&I with all of the psychological abnormalities someone of that position cultivates; a cannon fodder chuunin and one of Orochimaru’s abandoned projects?! What the hell are you smoking because I could damn well use some of it.”

A sickly smile twisted Minato‘s face as he regarded the huffing Sennin. “You’ve gone a little red in the face Sensei. Maybe you should have stopped to breathe in the middle of your rant.”

Jiraiya was about to verbally tear Minato a new one. He never got the chance as his student cut in over him. “No, Sensei. I’m intending to send my wife and newborn son out into the world, on a ridiculously dangerous mission, with a Kenjutsu prodigy, a Sannin-trained assassination specialist, a promising all rounder, a psychological specialist, a Chuunin with Jonín level tracking skills and a Bloodline carrier that has the ability to suppress the Demon if something goes wrong when Naruto is older.”

“Oh sure, it sounds good when you put it like that but-”

“But nothing, Sensei. The most important thing is they are amongst my most loyal.”

“Great, but you still haven’t explained why none of them are Jonín and you’re only sending six. And if Orochimaru finds out Anko was sent on a mission instead of being dead he is going to be beyond pissed.”

“Fine, you want to know why? If any of them find out Naruto is a Jinchuuriki and decide to turn on him, Kushina will be able to destroy them. That’s why the numbers are low; that’s why there are no Jonín.”

He paused for a moment, thinking.

“As for Orochimaru we have all noticed there has been something wrong with him lately. Tsunade is already coming to help deal with the wounded, she can use the loss of his pupil to look into his state of mind with good reason and see what the hell is going on. Especially since his most recent experiments have been getting dangerously close to breaking the law.”

At this Sarutobi finally jumped into the conversation, smoke rising from the pipe as he lit it again. “He‘s right, Jiraiya.”

Jiraiya looked to the side, his face set in a frown.

Minato’s recently reigned in anger started to crack, revealing the deep sorrow and steel will of a willing sacrifice. His nerves were frayed, making his emotions apparent. “I just… you both have to understand, what other choice do I have?”

Sarutobi tilted his head back, taking in a deep breath and released it slowly. “I wish there was some other way, but I suppose I‘m fine with it.”

Minato and Sarutobi turned towards Jiraiya, pleading and curious. He ground his teeth at the foolishness, the sheer audacity and the unimaginable and unmistakable gut feeling that it might work.

Sometimes, Jiraiya hated his gut feelings.

“Alright! You don’t have to stare at me, I’ll do it.”

Minato nodded his thanks and set out to round up the Ninja he had chosen.

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The six nin stood in a rough semicircle in front of the Hokage’s desk. All of them bar Hayate and Genma were soot stained and wounded, and they only managed to avoid it because none of the genin had to fight yet. However, under the Hokage’s orders they appeared before him with enough supplies for an extended black op in a war zone. Minato stood with his back to them as black rain fell and streaked down the newly cracked window.

The window framed the Kyuubi’s approach, intimidating the six as they looked past the Hokage and to the beast. A shroud of dark, billowing smoke entwined around it, lit up by lightning, fire and the occasional flash of a powerful Jutsu. Without turning around the Hokage spoke. “The six of you have been chosen for a mission. The very survival of Konoha rests on your shoulders. As such, this mission is S ranked.”

The six fidgeted, confused-and some of them fearful-that they would be sent to somehow defeat the Kyuubi. They did not speak this fear. They waited for their Kage’s instructions.

“As of today you are no longer officially Konoha nin. In fact, as of today you are officially dead.”

The looks of confusion on their faces deepened.

“The Kyuubi’s attack on Konoha will leave us weakened and left in a position where we may be taken advantage of or destroyed. We cannot allow that. You are to leave and go wait one hundred and twenty seven miles east of here. You will set up camp at Hana outpost. There should be no-one there. If there is, you are to kill them and dispose of the corpses. There can be no evidence of your existence. You are to maintain that position until someone comes carrying a scroll with my personal seal in blue wax, with the code-word Sora in Blue Kanji embossed on it.”

Minato turned around to face them.

“You will ask the question, “Who holds our orders?” The counter will be “Mr. Blue Sky”. If they say anything else, you are to kill them. The person who legitimately holds the scroll is your commander on this mission and you will treat them as if they are your Kage. If the person who contacts you isn’t the legitimate holder you are to find and reclaim your commander, living or dead. If dead, return to Konoha. If the commander is alive they will carry all the information you require for this mission to be successful. This is a lifelong mission. Ibiki is leader until your commander shows up. It should take them a week at most to get there. Are there any questions?”

Tenzou stood forward. “Will we be receiving reinforcements?”

“Reinforcements are to be procured during the mission. You will be unable to call on any of Konoha’s resources unless you manage to succeed in your first major objective.”

“We are to procure help from allied villages then?”

“No. Your commander will have the details. They will inform you as and when you need to know.”

Yamato stood back in line.

“If that is all?”

Anko, who had been shifting nervously finally stood forward.

“What about Sensei, does he know? Will I be able to contact him?”

Minato took a deep breath.

“I am sorry Anko, you may be able to contact him in the future but not for a few years at least. It is important that you do not as operational security is going to have to be tight. Your loyalty to your sensei is commendable but now you have to show he taught you well and put the interests of all of us before your own. I’m sure he will be very proud of you.”

You are dismissed. You have ten minutes to leave the village and be on your way. Good luck.”

The six saluted him and left as fast as possible. Minato paused a second before taking off his hat and placing it on his desk. He sat down and wrote a scroll to his son. As soon as it was finished he took off his still shiny and only slightly dented forehead protector. He buffed it on his sleeve before sliding it into a small parcel with the scroll. He took a spare headband from a drawer in his desk and fastened it around his forehead as he left to wait with Kushina.

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After remotely ordering a retreat of his forces, lead by the equally exhausted looking Orochimaru, Hyuuga Hiryuu and Uchiha Yoshiro. He summoned Gamabunta for the last time. He was starting to get sick of that phrase; every “last time” he passed he came closer to his last breath, his last memory, his last look at his son. Oh, his son, his precious beautiful son. The only chance of seeing him again was if something terrible happened. He hated himself for not having the strength to choose another path.

Turning to Gamabunta, he bowed slightly in greeting.
“So, Bunta, ready to kick ass and take names with me one last time?”

“You bet kid! Lets make it one for the ages.”

He secured himself to Bunta’s head with chakra as the massive toad leapt in to engage the raging beast, slashing at it with his tower sized Tanto and giving Minato time to prepare the hand seals.

As the beast roared, Bunta crossed his arms in front of himself to shield against the chakra infused wind, holding his blade up to defend Minato and his son. The Kyuubi took the opportunity to take a downward swipe at Bunta’s face.

The blow was crushing, but Bunta cast all his might into a parry, preventing half his face from being torn off. One of Kyuubi’s claws still had the reach to gouge into his face, almost taking out his eye but managing to give him a scar to match the one on the left side of his face. The ground underneath Gamabunta had already cracked and it was starting to buckle under the force of the blow. A few more hits like that and his Tanto would smash, leaving him in a hole large enough to serve as his grave…that was if the Kyuubi didn’t eat him after killing him.

“Hurry up kid, this bastard is far stronger than me. I can’t take too many of those hits or I’m dead.”

“Sorry Bunta, I need a few more seconds.”

The Kyuubi started drawing chakra towards his mouth, compressing it down. The massive Toad, closest he had ever come to worried, liked to believe he only sounded just the tiniest bit rushed. “DAMN IT KID, WHEN I SAY HURRY UP I MEAN WE DON’T HAVE A FEW SECONDS!”

The sheer desperation in Gamabunta’s voice made Minato’s hands blur with speed.

The beast drew back it’s head, light shining between the gaps in it’s massive teeth. When it snapped it’s head back down it was going to be over. In an act of total desperation Gamabunta thrust forward with his Tanto, nailing shut the Kyuubi’s maw as the pressure approached it’s maximum. The titanic force proved to be too much for the beast to contain. In a cataclysmic explosion it’s head and part of it’s upper body exploded, flattening trees for almost a mile and setting those closest on fire.

Just as the pyrotechnics ended, the Shinigami materialized into the Mortal realm. It seized the still formed part of the Kyuubi. Dragging the hind legs and tails into the air and fed it into Naruto, sealing the energy away.

The remnants of the Kyuubi, thrown away in the blast, quickly drew together into a significantly smaller form. Minato, exhausted though he was, tried to cajole the Shinigami into making a lunge for the recovering beast, but his chakra just wasn‘t enough incentive. The Fox shakily rose to it’s feet before stumbling away, disorientated. A string of curses left Minato’s mouth as he staggered along the head of the stunned and badly burned Gamabunta. The remains of the toad’s massive Tanto still gripped in his bleeding hand. The Shinigami trailed behind Minato. It‘s hands moved slowly, as inexorably as death, as seals of purple light formed over its upturned hands, sluggishly floating down to attach to Minato‘s skin.

“Bunta, BUNTA! Get off your lazy Yakuza ass or you’re going to make your family a laughing stock.”

Bunta’s eye’s opened seemingly out of sheer annoyance. “Pah, I still have the energy to kick your disrespectful ass.”

“Then wake the hell up, shrink down, get off your broken up ass and take my son to Kushina. Don’t stop for anything and don’t let anyone see you.” Minato was starting to look paler with every passing second, They both knew his time was up.

“Yeah, yeah. Even on the brink of death you’re a pain. I‘m going to miss you kid. Want me to give a message to your girl?”

Minato placed Naruto onto the waiting tongue of the Toad boss. Taking a moment to caress the child’s cheek with his now shaking hand. “Nah, she knows I love her anyway…actually. Tell her that I think she looks prettier with her hair up.”

Minato leaned in to give Naruto a kiss on the forehead. As his vision started to go dark he burned the image of Naruto sleeping into his failing mind.

“Huh?” Gamabunta started shrinking down to a smaller size until he was about the height of a small house. He gently stored Naruto in his mouth.

“Before all this…I…bought her a…new hair clip… never got the….chance to see her use it...”

Minato stumbled down to the ground, tripping over some exposed and charred roots, spinning, trying to keep his footing. He fell, landing on the charred ground. The rain beat down on his stilling form as the last few seals slid in place.

“Even…if…Naruto… doesn’t get…the summoning scroll…look after…him…for me…Bun…ta.”

His head slowly dropped to his chest as he grew silent, his soul ripped out of his body and slipped into Gamabunta before finding the flesh of his child.

Bunta stood there, his head down slightly. He really would miss the kid. He would look after this Gaki like he was his own. After he delivered the infant to Kushina, he would have to go have a word with Jiraiya. He’d be damned if the kid didn’t sign the summoning scroll. He shrunk down further until he was the size of a horse and hopped off into the darkness.

The Shinigami watched the Toad boss hop off before looking down at the corpse.

“What is it with you humans and those ridiculous death speeches? You know there is an afterlife, why can’t you just save it until later so I don’t have to listen to those stupid ‘last words’ your kind is so keen on spouting. Look at me, talking to a corpse. Ridiculous.”

The Shinigami disappeared just as quickly as it had come.

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Kushina had hardly given birth twenty minutes earlier when Jiraiya and Sarutobi appeared at her bedside with a bundle of cloth. The medic nin who had been tending to her finished up the last of the treatments, a desperate attempt to make the fatigued woman capable of travel. The med nin turned, before bowing low to Sarutobi as the newly reinstated Hokage giving him permission to start the memory replacement Jutsu. A few seconds later the Med nin collapsed, unconscious. All the important information was erased, being replaced with mundane conversations and the tragic death of Mother and Son.

When the village discovered the death of the Fourth’s family, it would become yet another reason to mourn, but better that than many of the possible alternatives.

Kushina’s voice was heartbreaking, cracking as she kept her composure as rigid as she could. “So…the Jutsu worked as Minato thought it would?”

Jiraiya looked down, his face full of pain. His normal, cheerfully perverted personality completely submerged. “Yeah…his soul is in Naruto, guarding the seal. He is partially aware but he can’t do anything unless something goes wrong, and even then it will probably only be a once off thing. The soul can only affect so much when outside of the body before it gets taken to wherever they go. At least he wasn’t eaten by the Shinigami. The kid was too good for that fate.”

Kushina held out her arms as Sarutobi gently passed the child to her.

“I know this is hard for you Kushina, but you must understand that Naruto isn’t Minato, in the exact same way as he isn’t the Kyuubi. If you treat him like he is the former, it will destroy him just as surely as the villagers treating him as the latter.”

Kushina’s eyes met his and he felt as if his soul would shatter. The barely suppressed pain in them hurt more than the sharpest Kunai.

“I know Sarutobi-Sama. He is Uzumaki Namikaze Naruto. Son of Namikaze Minato, he is my son. That is more than enough.”

Jiraiya passed her a backpack full of storage scrolls before running through what each one contained that was necessary for the journey. He eventually got through the entire list before taking a pot of ink and a brush out of an inside pocket. After asking Kushina’s permission, he sketched a seal onto the forehead of the sleeping child.

“This seal will last at most seven days. It will silence his cries after a two feet perimeter so you can hear him, but no-one else will unless they get so close it won‘t matter anyway. It also lets sound in, so you won’t have to worry about not hearing incoming people. It has the added effect of shielding him from any fast approaching object, but that will need to be charged with your own Chakra. It’s a rush job so it also drains Chakra at an incredible rate. It would leave me dead or unconscious after five or six uses, in your current condition you could use it twice, and maybe push five at full health. Any more and you will die. Only use it as a last resort.”

Kushina nodded numbly as she got up from the bed with Naruto in her arms. After reluctantly passing the child to Sarutobi, she went behind a lone medical screen to get dressed properly. After putting on her combat gear she threw on her flak jacket, zipping it up before grabbing the back pack Jiraiya had given her. She swung it onto her shoulders before fastening on her usual leg and hip pouches. When she came out she stood before them, looking lost. She took Naruto back into her arms, her eyes becoming somewhat more focused. She paused a moment before finally nodding and leaving to slip out of the village.

Sarutobi’s sigh was easy to interpret as he went up to the roof with Jiriya to make the announcements to the gathering nin. “I hope we did the right thing by sending them away.”

Judging from the roars of pain and hatred that encompassed the village, it seemed they had.

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Kushina had covered sixty seven miles in three days. It was a laughable pace for a ninja, but it was to be expected. She was still making remarkable speed for her condition. Over and over again in a low whisper she chanted the words that were driving her; that were stopping her from crumpling to her knees and crying herself to death. Her mouth felt dry. She would have to drink soon. Naruto would wake in an hour or so and he would need to feed too.

“Doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto, doing it for Naruto.”

Three days…she held him as tightly as she dared. Nothing would take him away. Nothing.

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On the afternoon of the seventh day, she finally came within a few hundred yards of where the outpost should be. She stopped, before using a Jutsu to camouflage herself and Naruto completely. After a few seconds, she made a Kage Bunshin. She ordered it forward to scope the place out. As it went to leave, it stopped and looked down at it’s arms, moving them uselessly as if to hold a Naruto it didn’t have. She would not let a Bunshin have him, even if it only held a copy. The Bunshin turned back and reached out pleadingly towards the real Naruto, a dead look in it’s eyes, before Kushina compelled it to leave. Tears rolled down the face of the Bunshin Kushina as it was rebuked; it’s eyes rapidly becoming totally devoid of life. It turned mechanically and left to accomplish it’s mission.

After a few minutes, she received the information from the dispersed clone. She ruthlessly crushed the terrible and profound feeling of loss the Kage Bunshin had been experiencing before it’s mind broke. That done, she began sifting through the recent knowledge she had gained.

The first piece of important information she retrieved was the location of the building. A squat, thick slab of tan rock, It’s upper floor narrower than it’s bottom floor by a considerable amount. The walls enclosing the roof and second floor were coated liberally in spikes to prevent people climbing over it or hiding against it. The rock that made up the building itself looked to be the regular Konoha outpost affair which meant seal-n- steel reinforced. The outpost would undoubtedly also have the regular outer seal defences.

As for the shinobi component of the outpost, Anko had probably been guarding the door. she couldn’t tell for sure because of the extremely skilled application of a middle ranking camouflage Jutsu that took the clone a few seconds of concentrated observation to confirm. A minute after that “Anko” had changed guards with Hayate. His attempt at hiding was using Henge after he had taken up position. It would have been a relatively good showing were it not for the fact that he became a bush in an area that had been obviously cleared for line of sight, after waltzing out like it was a day at the park. If it was an enemy masquerading as the genin, they were very skilled at their job of showing an almost naïve level of ability.

After that the clone went around the perimeter of the forest looking out for other guards she could possibly identify. She stopped halfway around when she spotted someone stalking across the roof. It wasn’t as good a job as “Anko” but still impressive in it’s own right. Probably Yuugao. Tracking specialists were inevitably skilled in hiding, as not only did you have to hide from who you were hunting, you had to think like someone who was being stalked by enemies.

Somewhat satisfied, Kushina created another Kage Bunshin. She destroyed it’s awareness before it even formed, linking up her senses to it’s own to use it as a puppet. The Shini Bunshin reached down into one of Kushina’s hip pouches. Withdrawing the confirmation scroll Minato had written, for the smallest of moments a spark of life seemed to appear in it’s eyes, gone before it could truly exist. It turned and trudged wearily to a few feet away from the tree line, hidden partially behind some bushes and a fallen log. The Bunshin quickly pulled up a face mask before tying up it’s hair and covering it with a bandana. It would be unwise to let them know who she was straight off the bat. Using the medium of the Kage Bunshin, Kushina made a quick series of birdcalls that even a genin like Hayate would know meant “Friendly approaching, do not attack.”

The ‘bush’ rustled a little bit as Hayate probably reached for a kunai and his black-ops headset. An intense heat shimmer came into existence for a second as the bases defences were activated. The door set into the rock swung open as a bear of a teenager, bigger than most grown men, cautiously stepped out. Ibiki, if she wasn’t mistaken. He stood with apparent disdain but to a trained eye he was ready to move or attack in any direction. The Kushina Bunshin slowly slid out from behind her concealment, both hands out to the side.

“Don’t move. Just say yes or no. Do you have it?”

“Yes.”

“Reach for it, slowly, and without any sudden movements show me the seal and the Kanji.”

Kushina slowly turned the scroll to show the Blue seal and the silver Sora Kanji.

“Who holds our orders.”

“Mr blue sky.”

“Okay, now unseal it.”

With a quick application of chakra, the seal unlocked and Kushina held it at the ready.

“Toss it over.”

She threw it underhand, its lazy arc terminating as it struck the heat shimmer where it slowed and stopped as if stuck in a web. Ibiki reached forward easily, grabbing it, before having to exert visible strain to pull his arm back through the barrier. He seemed to examine the scroll before scanning it with chakra. He pulled the scroll open slowly, suspicious of any traps that might catch him off guard and send him to an early grave. If there was enough of him left to bury. After a few seconds of not turning into a red mist, he seemed to relax ever so slightly.

“It’s legitimate. Welcome to Fort Hana, Commander, although I am curious why it took you so long to get here. We were worried you had been intercepted.”

Kushina did not move, she did however speak up. “There is an assassination specialist among you, what is her Sensei’s lucky charm?”

Ibiki looked confused for a second before using his radio and whispering into it, after a few seconds he nodded. “The skin of a white snake.”

Kushina began to walk forward, appeased.

“Thank you, Morino-san. If you would, escort me around the facility. We will be here for a number of days before we can move. Afterwards, I want to get settled in for an hour, then everyone will have to report for briefing.”

As the barrier deactivated, she walked past Ibiki, before stopping.

“For future reference, you need to work on your stealth skills Gekko-San. A performance such as yours will lead to a fast death. This is a mission, not a picnic.”

The clone walked on.

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Ibiki, Anko, Yuugao and Genma were dispersed across the spacious living space. It was large enough for twenty people and it’s furnishings were comfortable enough. Anko and Ibiki were playing cards at a table while Yuugao paced anxiously around the room. Genma sat on a sofa on the other side of the room, flicking through a magazine on musical instruments. An assorted pile of magazines lay on the coffee table across from him.

Everyone was agitated to one degree or another. No-one knew who their Commander was or what they looked like. All they could tell was she was female. Not knowing about someone was a hazardous business for a shinobi.

After another round of pacing on the part of Yuugao, Anko started tapping her foot in exasperation. The rookie Chuunin’s pacing was annoying as hell and Anko had already been pissed for days, she missed her sensei terribly. Then the commander bitch just shows up well after she should have and locks herself in a room after going through a tour of the place without saying a word. Just as she was about to tear into the Chuunín, Genma threw his magazine down. Then he stood up and grabbed the girl, pulling her out her out of the room. Surprised, Anko turned her head to Ibiki, one of her eyebrows raised.

“A bit forward wasn’t he? I’m surprised she didn’t punch him out for dragging her off.”

Ibiki grinned at her. “You don’t realise how much killing intent you were releasing, do you? You had shocked her into a cycle. I was just wondering if the kid would make it before you got up. Considering he was a step away from pissing his pants, I‘m surprised he managed it at all. Good thing you weren‘t angry at him.”

“Shit. I was making her pace? For how long?”

“About thirty minutes.”

“And you didn’t tell me?”

Another smirk from Ibiki. “A man needs entertainment.”

“Scarred bastard.”

“Snake bitch.”

“Heh, I love you too Ibiki-tan.”

“…I‘m going to wake up with snakes in my bed again, aren‘t I?”

“Pfft, they were harmless. Besides, if you win this hand you might just find a pretty purple haired snake in your bed.”

“Manda has a human form?”

Anko grimaced slightly at the thought before smiling again. It was relaxing joking with someone who wasn’t high strung enough to take everything seriously.

“Virgin.”

“Cock tease.”

“Torture freak.”

“Whore in training.”

“I do love it when you talk dirty to me, Ibiki-tan.”

“Hurry up and deal the cards, and no cheating this time. I’m still not happy about buying you that crate of Dango and finding out you screwed me over after you finished the whole thing. You didn’t even share.”

Anko grinned as she started tossing out the cards.

Ibiki grinned back. As long as his friend wasn’t thinking about her sensei and was happy, he was happy, and less likely to be pranked.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Kage Bunshin proxy had calmed down enough to think objectively for a while. She needed to confirm whether or not any of her forces would freak out about her son being a Jinchurikki. She would have to be prepared to kill all of them if they reacted badly. She had already filled the place with camouflaged explosive notes. If they reacted negatively, shadow proxy activates them and boom, no more problem on that front. The only…difficulty was it would create a whole new array of problems.

The thought of killing some of the younger ex-Konoha ninja’s made her feel sick, but no-one was more important than Naruto. He was all she really had left now. Even if she started to rebuild her life it would mean nothing without him.

Sighing, she called all the ninja in, replacing those on guard with two of her own Kage Bunshins. After the six assembled before her, she calmly cleared her throat and began.

“Do you trust the Fourth?”

A series of confused nods greeted her question.

“Completely? With your very lives and every ounce of your beings?”

A variety of positive answers poured forth from the nin’s mouths, confusion and apprehension in their tones.

“Do you trust him enough to believe whatever he did was enough to prevent the Kyuubi from harming us ever again? That anything he did would be enough to protect everyone?”

Tired and upset, Anko shouted, “Of course we do you stupid bitch, he’s probably the only person who’s never fucked anyone around. He wouldn’t deliberately put us in danger.”

Her mask hid it, but Kushina had a small smile at the brash Kunoichi’s response. She turned a baleful glare at everyone else.

“And do you all feel the same as this girl?”

Each of them nodded without hesitation.

“What if I told you the Kyuubi’s alive and the Fourth is dead.”

Everyone froze, not even their hearts seemed to beat.

“That’s…so Konoha…it’s gone? Everyone is dead?” Tenzou had been the first to break the silence, his question had the others staring at him in disbelief before turning to Kushina for confirmation.

Now this, this would be where things got tricky.

“Fortunately not. Konoha is lucky enough that it had two heroes protecting it during the final fight.”

Genma was the first to respond, confusion in his voice, “Who? Jiriya?”

Kushina was wary, things were going well so far but anything could happen when she dropped the bombshell. “Before I tell you, you have to understand something. What I will tell you is the greatest secret you will ever hear in your entire lives. If you betray it I will end you, even if I have to spend the rest of my life hunting you down. If you want you can leave now. But you will never be able to come back.”

The six stood steadfast in their resolve.

“The second hero was the son of the fourth Hokage.”

All but Ibiki and Genma stood dumbfounded, Genma stood silently for a moment before he started yelling in disbelief. “But that’s impossible! His son couldn’t possibly be more than a baby!”

Ibiki however went white in the face. “Jinchurikki. The Power of Human sacrifice.”

Kushina regarded the man warily before seeing if anyone else picked up on the implications.

“You are correct, Morino-san. The Kyuubi was sealed into the son of Namikaze Minato and Uzumaki Kushina. I am not entirely aware of the mechanics of the seal , but what I do know is the child‘s mind is completely unaffected by the demon.”

Yuugao was the first to break the renewed bout of silence. “How did Konoha react?”

“How do you think they would react? Angry? Hurt? looking for someone to blame? Any child in that position would be no more than a target for their hate.”

“Then…then we’ve got to go back! We can’t just leave him like that, he’s a hero!”

‘Ah, the shining fervour in her eyes. Perhaps she can be trusted.’

“And how do the rest of you feel about protecting the child?”

A flurry of approval met Kushina’s question and despite all her concentration she couldn’t detect any malice towards Naruto. She had reached the end of the game and had to play her hand.

“Your approval is good. As you all feel this way, I am glad to tell you that we will not need to return to Konoha to rescue the child, as he is outside the bunker.”

Six pairs of eyes locked on her own as she smiled to herself in satisfaction. She gave them a moment to let the implications sink in, waiting for one of them to react first. Surprisingly, the first to break the silence was the as of yet remarkably quiet young Genin Hayate, who broke into a coughing fit strong enough to bring an unhealthy looking crimson to his pallid face. Genma lightly struck the back of the coughing Genin as Ibiki handed the boy a canteen.

“So I take it no-one has questions?”

Anko finally found her voice and started swearing profusely. Yuugao still seemed dazed, which left Tenzou to ask the relevant questions.
“If I might ask, commander-san, who are you, why do you have the child and what exactly is our mission?”

With that, the Kushina clone removed her bandanna and mask startling everyone in the room. “K-Kushina-Sama?”

“I suppose this answers your first two questions, Tenzou-san. As for the last, our objective is to reform Uzugakure and align it with Konoha. Fortunately, this will be easier than it could be. I’m roughly on par with the Sannin and my family was well liked in Uzu. Konoha and Uzu also had pretty good relations when Uzu was still up and running. We need to draw some of the stronger Uzu nin to us to form a group the lesser Uzu nin will rally to. But I’m getting ahead of myself. First we need to decide on a good location for the village and take time to plan out our actions, so we’re going to be here for a few days. We have about a week before a Konoha patrol sweeps by to make sure this outpost hasn’t been taken over and secure it again. We’ll leave in four days just to be sure we aren’t spotted. Any more questions?

Kushina waited a few seconds as they stood in stunned silence before ushering them out the door. And with that the clone dispersed. Kushina’s real body sat still in the tree line as her consciousness slowly started to become whole again. After twenty seconds, she managed to regain her feet, calming the fidgeting Naruto with a few soft words as she ran her fingers through his hair, before making another few Kage Bunshin as a body guard. Things might seem to be going well with the six under her command, but trust was only given away by fools. The clones were now less insistent on having Naruto’s of their own; the need to protect the real one overriding the need to feel the comfort of having fake, lifeless, copies in their arms.

The group of Kushina’s entered the bunker, hoping that things would work out.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been three days since Kushina had come to the Outpost. The only time any of her ninja saw her was brief glimpses as she sent out a few Kage Bunshin to replace the ones on watch, or to fetch things for her. She had locked herself away from the group. Everyone but Yuugao felt a foreboding whenever they went near the door. Yuugao herself had always admired Kushina, even being on speaking terms with the woman and her Husband. It broke her heart to see the loud, proud and strong Kunoichi seemingly shattered by this disaster. Every day she went to the door, knocking on it to remind the Kunoichi that even though she fed Naruto she would have to eat as well; reminding her to sleep; To drink water lest she get dehydrated. The once cheerful woman would send out a Kage Bunshin to bring back whatever Yuugao reminded her of, but after talking to them on the first day she didn’t say a word.

Yuugao, worried, went to Ibiki for his opinion.

Sitting down next to the teenager on a couch, she spoke of her worries, the young man only nodding every now and then to show he was paying attention while he flicked through a gardening magazine that was two seasons out of date.

“Don’t push her Yuugao-san, She fears us.”
“What are you talking about, Ibiki-san? Kushina-san has never been afraid of anything.”

Ibiki could only roll his eyes. “Not for herself, she knows her limits and they far exceed ours, but she is afraid for her child. Think about what she said earlier, if the truth about Naruto-san hadn’t been revealed in the way it was things might have gone differently. With such temperamental creatures as humans it is best to take a cautious approach. She could kill all six of us easier than you would ever believe, and she is completely prepared to do so. Don’t force her hand or you just might find a Kunai in your ribs.”

Sighing, the man closed the magazine before looking at her, placing the magazine down beside himself.

“Personally, I can understand where she is coming from. If it were my child that had become Jinchurikki I wouldn’t trust any of you either, especially not if it held the Kyuubi so soon after the destruction. Frankly, leaving Konoha was probably the smartest thing she could have done to protect Naruto. Just give her some time to calm down and relax before you do anything stupid.”

Yuugao understood where he was coming from, but she didn’t have to like it, and she made her opinion known. “But it’s not healthy for her or the baby to be cooped up in that room all the time. I haven’t even seen her leave to use the toilet.”

Ibiki leaned back into the couch, lacing his fingers together.

“Firstly, there are Jutsu to dispose of human waste. Secondly, it might surprise you to know that pretty much everything you have come to care about and rely on being taken away from you is a devastating occurrence. It might also surprise you that when something like this happens to a person, they will generally become extremely protective and violent if they perceive anything they care about to be threatened.”

Ibiki’s voice took on a lecturing tone as he leaned forward tossing the closed magazine onto the table.

“In this case, try and visualise what would happen if this was combined with someone who cared about something that would usually be readily discriminated against. Imagine that person, who cares about something that was almost guaranteed to be universally hated, had the power to close her hand around your skull and crush it like an egg faster than your comparatively feeble chuunin level chakra enhanced brain could comprehend.”

After sighing Ibiki stopped for a moment, rubbing the bridge of his nose before continuing.

“There is little doubt in my mind that she would have killed any one of us but you if we had shown as much interest as you have at this point. She trusts you, to an extent, because of your pre existing relationship. Probably everyone else from Konoha is an enemy until proven otherwise. As I said before, you can push further than anyone here, but don’t push too far until she’s ready or you have an exceptionally good reason. Unless you want to be handed your still-beating heart?”

Yuugao grimaced for a moment before speaking.

“I have to say, you and Anko-san are taking this very well, the others are nervous.”

Ibiki’s mouth twitched up at the corner as he considered his answer.

“Well, there is a simple reason for that. Panicking in this situation would probably be detrimental to my life expectancy. As for Anko-Chan, she’s calm because she’s already prepared to die and has planned several ways to try kill Kushina-san.”

“WHAT!”

Yuugao slapped her hands over her mouth before looking around and leaning in closer to Ibiki, her voice coming out in a harsh whisper.

“What do you mean she’s planned to kill Kushina-san?!”

“Firstly, Anko has a plan to kill everybody, she says it‘s bad business not to when you‘re an assassin. Secondly-”

Suddenly, a pair of arms and a dozen snakes wrapped around Yuugao, before a breathy, playful voice spoke softly right next to her ear.

“What’s this Ibiki-Kun, telling tales?”

Anko’s breath tickled Yuugao’s ear, making her twitch away. Anko, noticing, moved in to playfully lick it before biting down on it rather painfully.

“Be careful what you go around asking people, some don’t like their secrets getting out.”

Releasing Yuugao’s ear, she stood up to her full height. Placing her hands on Yuugao‘s shoulders, she glared down at Ibiki, practically snarling, her grip and the snakes tightened painfully on Yuugao.

“And as for you!”

Her glare turned into a sadistic smile as she leaned towards him, giving Ibiki an eyeful as she spoke in a mock whisper.

“I wouldn’t go around gossiping like a woman unless you want to lose what makes you a man.”

Ibiki flashed one of his trademark smirks.

“Wouldn’t dream of it Anko. tell me, how did the Dango turn out after?”

Anko suddenly started beaming.

“Oh, they didn’t stock the kitchen with all the ingredients to make really awesome ones, but they were still pretty damn good!”

Twitching in pain and quite intimidated, Yuugao’s voice was barely above a whisper. “Eh, can you please let me go Anko-san?”

Anko looked down, surprise all over her face as if she completely forgot Yuugao was there. To Yuugao’s immense relief she released her grip and the snakes before shrugging nonchalantly. Ibiki’s eyes concentrated on the interesting movement of her developing assets just like Anko had planned.

“Window shopping, Ibiki?”

“Yes, I want to make sure the product is up to scratch.”

Slowly parting her trench coat she cupped her breasts through her white, low cut v-neck, showing slightly more than the outfit normally allowed, Anko leaned forward more, taking on the most seductive voice a fifteen year old could pull off.

“Mmm, you can’t buy quality like this, I-bi-ki Kuuuun.”

“Sorry Anko, if you’re trying to get a raise out of me you’re going to have to work harder at your seduction. As…impossible as it seems, I’m used to your usual weaponry.”

Noticing Yuugao was still twitching in the chair Ibiki turned a concerned eye to her.

“Something the matter Yuugao-San?”

“I…think something…cracked.”

“Ah, well that tends to happen when Anko is involved. It is a stroke of luck, though. Kushina-San is the only one here with the skill to set bones with Chakra, and you’re concerned with her sanity. Just go up, tell her something is broken and if she doesn’t hand you your liver the second you walk through the door, you can inquire about her and Naruto. Subtly, of course. You don’t want to annoy her when she has her hands anywhere near your neck or ribs.”

“Em, thanks for reassuring me?”

“No thanks required, Yuugao-San.”

“I’d like some thanks!”

“Sit down Anko, you broke some of her bones.”

After Yuugao got up, Anko slumped down on in her place, pretending to pout as a grin was threatening to break out on her face.

Genma, leaning against a wall where he had been reading a magazine just stared, shaking his head.

“Everyone in this place is insane.”

“I heard that, Genin! And it’s not insanity, it’s sexual tension and friendly rivalry!”

“Keep telling yourself that, Anko-Chan. Maybe you’ll convince yourself some day.”

“Shut it, Ibiki. It’s not my fault she was too scared to reinforce her bones with chakra.”

“Well actually it is.”

“God damn it Ibiki!”

“Just telling it like it is.”

“Shut up.”

“No”

“Damn it!”

“Damn what?”

“ARRRGH! YOU’RE SO IMMATURE!”

Ibiki smiled. With the way things were going Anko wouldn’t spend half the night whimpering into her pillow. Her Sensei really meant the world to her.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jiriya was sitting at his desk, shuffling through papers destined for his many contacts around the continent. He was brought out of his concentration at a sudden banging on his door. Looking up, he opened a drawer before stuffing the papers away. He slowly stood before walking through his house, the banging continuing incessantly. He opened the heavy wooden door to find something he never expected. Orochimaru, his hair, clothes and skin soaked from the pounding rain, a lost look in his eyes the likes of which Jiriya had never seen before on his friend. He was so stunned he completely missed what Orochimaru said.

“Sorry? What was that?”

Orochimaru’s guttural voice sounded even hoarser than usual.

“Can…can I come in?”

Stunned yet again Jiriya blinked as he just processed what Orochimaru said, suddenly he snapped back to reality and quickly stood to the side before waving Orochimaru in. He dithered around for a few moments before going in search of a towel.

“I must say it’s unusual for you to be the one to visit me Orochimaru. Especially recently with all your research. I understand the results have been pretty bad so you’ve had to lay low, especially after the Moukton bloodline disaster, but I hardly expected you to arrive in the middle of the night in lashing rain.”

He finally grabbed a towel out of a press before grabbing some of the secret stash he didn’t want Tsunade getting her hands on when she came back. Stopping briefly at a cabinet he grabbed two Sake dishes before walking into the main living space. Orochimaru stood there, dripping water on the carpet, Jiraiya finally noticed something in the Snake Sannin’s hand.

A death certificate.
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby QuoteMyFoot » November 12th, 2009, 5:01 pm

Oooh, I'm really interested to see where this Oro-Anko relationship goes in terms of story. I have never seen Oro-chan distraught before. Do you actually think he liked Anko? (Not questioning you, just wondering.) Or is this like Team 8, and the divergence point is actually earlier than this?

As for being good enough for FF.net? Yes. Easily.

The only problem I see is spelling 'Jiraiya' as 'Jiriya', but (assuming you use Microsoft Word) that can be solved with a simple Ctrl+F --> Replace. There were a few other errors but they were really minor.
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby SirKaid » November 12th, 2009, 8:02 pm

The Good

-I liked the way that Minato's death speech went, with the stumbling and gasps. Shinigami's sarcastic muttering at the end was a nice touch as well.

-Orochimaru being distraught over Anko's "death" is wonderful. It's nice to see the snake as human, for once, as opposed to merely being a monstrous madman. I find myself wondering if this would result in anything different regarding his defection. Perhaps he would leave when he finds out about her survival, angry that Konoha would cause him such pain. On the other hand, perhaps he would transfer to Uzu to be closer to her?

The Not-So-Good

-Typos are an almost inescapable fact of life. I don't care about most of them. But names? Names are important.

The End Result

Is this good enough for publication of ff.net? Well, that's not exactly a high bar considering the amount of dross on there, but yes. Is it good enough to be in the 10% of good stuff? Yes.

Would I read it? Yes. Keep it coming, please.
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby Darkandus » November 13th, 2009, 4:15 am

My take on it is Orochimaru's parents deaths caused him to gradually go off the deep end eventually culminating in him becoming a complete monster. However a this point in my story he is wavering at the moral event horizon as his experiments so far have been approved and he cared a bit more about not killing people just for results, hence the whole withdrawing from society due to the Mokuton disater which only Tenzo survived.

What the effects of Anko's 'death' will be? Well, you'll find out later I suppose. :biggrin2
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby ewuvi » November 14th, 2009, 8:46 pm

I like it a lot. I'll almost definitely follow it!

Do fix the Jiriya thing though.
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby Darkandus » November 14th, 2009, 9:18 pm

I did fix it in the file on my computer. I don't actually know how that typo happened so often.
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby ewuvi » November 14th, 2009, 9:21 pm

Because you are awesome.

I honestly have no better answer for you.
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby Darkandus » November 16th, 2009, 8:36 pm

Gah! Finally got around to uploading it and I'm stuck on the summary bit.

This is what I've got so far.

Choices shape the future in profound ways, Minato made a choice. The ripples of this choice have only begun to spread. What future awaits this changed world? (AU/swearing/violence/mild sexual content and adult themes)

Argh! What a sucky summary. Can someone help me come up with something decent please?
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Re: Darkandus requests criticism

Unread postby ewuvi » November 16th, 2009, 8:37 pm

:D

I'll help. Shoot me a PM or something, and we can try and work something out.

edit: Wow. That reply time was supafast. I swear I'm not stalking you, I just checked active topics after making a pan of brownies.
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