[Pokemon] Reviving an old idea

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[Pokemon] Reviving an old idea

Unread postby Aldraia Dragonsong » January 29th, 2011, 6:32 am

Long, long ago, when I was too young to legally drive, I came up with an idea for a fanfic. Like many such people, I started writing it. Like many such fanfics, it was not very good. Eventually, I was overwhelmed by schoolwork and the thing died a quiet death.
I still like the idea, though, so I decided to try it again, now that I have a pretty good idea of what went wrong the first time, what mistakes I made. One of those mistakes was a lack of proper editing. And so, I request your criticism.

Look Not Into The Eyes
Spoiler: show
What now is called tomorrow will soon be yesterday.
Time rushes past and memory slowly fades away.


Chapter One

“Wake up!”
The plea came alternately in barks and keening whines.
“Wake up...”
An Umbreon nuzzled a boy lying in the snow. The boy gave no response.
“You’re not supposed to sleep in the snow. So wake up!”
There was still no response.
The Umbreon did the only thing he could think of: he took the boy’s collar in his teeth and started trying to drag him through the snow.
Suddenly the Umbreon’s ears pricked up, and he left his task a moment to look up and back.
A Glaceon emerged from the whirling snow that fell everywhere in that place.
“Your trainer collapsed?” she asked.
“He’s not my trainer,” the Umbreon explained. “He’s my friend.”
The Glaceon nodded to show she understood, and moved to look at the boy.
“Has he been asleep a long time?” she asked.
“I don’t know how long is a long time. About the time to run to the lake and back again, I think.”
“Not too long, then, but we should hurry.”

The Glaceon threw back her head and let out a wordless cry.
Other Glaceon gradually emerged from the snowstorm as well, along with two Eevee.
“My siblings,” the first Glaceon explained quickly, “and my children, who should not have come.” In the manner of all parents, human or Pokémon, this last was said with a glare in the direction of disobedient progeny.
“We want to help!” one Eevee objected.
“There’s no time to argue,” another Glaceon put in. “That human doesn’t look well.”
The first Glaceon nodded.
“We’re carrying the human to the house near here, where the two nice old humans live. You children, run ahead and give them what warning you can.”
“Right!”
The two Eevee immediately rushed off, turning their task into a race to get there first.
Their mother turned to the Umbreon.
“Now, we have to carry him. We’ve done this a few times before, so this is what you need to do...”
The Umbreon was proud and did not like to take orders from strangers. But worry for his friend overrode such concerns, and though he was annoyed, he submitted to the Glaceon’s directions.

******

There was an Umbreon sleeping on his chest.
The arrangement was not especially uncomfortable, but it was completely impossible to get up like that. Josh carefully picked the little Pokémon up with both hands, sitting up. He turned and placed the Umbreon on the pillow formerly occupied by his head.
“Oh, you’re up now.”
Josh jerked slightly. There was an old woman sitting in a rocking chair near the bed he was sitting in, placidly knitting.
“Gave us quite a scare, you did,” she continued. “Be thankful that Umbreon of yours is such a loyal creature. Wouldn’t leave your side for nothing all the time you slept. I think it wanted to be sure you would be all right. Pity the poor dear fell asleep before you woke.”
Josh looked again at the Umbreon. Shifting his posture so his feet hung off the bed, he said politely, “I think there may be a mistake, ma’am. That’s not my Umbreon; I don’t recognize it.”
“Is that so?” the woman asked, setting the knitting aside. “Then do tell, where did it come from?”
“I don’t know,” Josh answered. “Where am I, and how did I get here?”
Random Scholomance Quote of However Long It Takes Me To Get Bored of the Last One:
“Ancell: respecting personal boundaries to the detriment of his friends since 1993.” ~bookworm702
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Re: [Pokemon] Reviving an old idea

Unread postby serbii » January 29th, 2011, 6:40 am

Cute :3

Uh, I don't really have anything more to add.
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Re: [Pokemon] Reviving an old idea

Unread postby QuoteMyFoot » January 29th, 2011, 8:56 pm

My first thought: amnesia! Done for drama! Yes! (At least I assume so, apologies if I've jumped to conclusions too hastily.)

Strangely, my second thought was that the umbreon was the pokemon equivalent of the Doctor. But, um, nevermind that. (No, plotbunny! Down!)

There wasn't very much to this but I'm intrigued. :)
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Re: [Pokemon] Reviving an old idea

Unread postby Aldraia Dragonsong » January 29th, 2011, 9:59 pm

I do at least have a canon-based explanation of what happened and how, one that seems reasonable to me. It should come up in the next chapter, if I can get over the difficulty I seem to be having writing it...
Also, the Pokémon equivalent of the Doctor? In what way, and how would that work? I am now very curious...
Well! In any case, more story!
Spoiler: show
Chapter Two

She awoke in a forest.
Anna sat up carefully, examining her surroundings. There were no others that she could see, neither people nor Pokémon, save an Espeon that lay near her, asleep.
The Espeon’s tail twitched. Then its ear.
The Espeon’s eyes opened.
“Hello there,” Anna said softly. “Would you happen to know where this is?”
The Espeon stood up, glancing languidly at the girl sitting in the clearing. It then turned and ran a few paces, hopping up onto a mossy rock.
-I do not know where this is, but it seems a nice enough place.-
Anna blinked once, slowly. She was certain she had heard a voice, like the Espeon was speaking, and yet not quite speaking. She also felt as though the Espeon had not meant for the words to be heard.
-It is a pretty forest,- she thought, trying to send the thought in the Espeon’s direction. Anna was not entirely certain why she felt that would work, but then, she had no proof that it would not. She could not seem to remember whether she was psychic or not.
The Espeon’s ear twitched again.
-You... you are psychic also?-
“Yes,” Anna said aloud. “It seems so. It makes my head hurt, though... I will talk aloud, if that is all right.”
The Espeon dipped her head.
-It is acceptable,- she assured the girl.
“My name is Anna,” the girl said. “Do you have a name?”
The Espeon cocked her head, thinking. After a moment, she nodded.
-My name, to humans, is Erisna,- she answered.
“Who gave you that name?” Anna asked, curious.
Erisna cocked her head again, and this time she thought longer. At last she replied, -I do not remember.-
Anna stood up, looking around again. She still did not recognize the place.
“Do you know how I got here?” she asked.
Erisna shook her head.
“Ah well,” Anna sighed. “I had hoped. I suppose I shall look around. Would you like to come with me?”
Erisna considered the question for a time, tail waving back and forth. Eventually, she nodded, and leaped down from the mossy rock.
The girl and the Espeon walked deeper into the forest, neither questioning the fact that they had both randomly picked the same direction.
Random Scholomance Quote of However Long It Takes Me To Get Bored of the Last One:
“Ancell: respecting personal boundaries to the detriment of his friends since 1993.” ~bookworm702
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Re: [Pokemon] Reviving an old idea

Unread postby QuoteMyFoot » January 30th, 2011, 11:50 am

One of the pokemon of the PC in Pokemon Platinum is lost at the climax of the story and rescued by Giratina/Dialga/Palkia. Time-travelling powers occur as a side-effect. And... you know what, I think I might actually go away and write this.

Anyway, there's not a lot for me to criticise here. The only thing I might say is that if you're posing a lot of questions but not really answering them at the moment. I don't think that's a problem, but it might get annoying if it carries on for too long (though obviously mileage will vary as to how long is 'too long').
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Re: [Pokemon] Reviving an old idea

Unread postby Aldraia Dragonsong » January 31st, 2011, 4:38 am

Note made: do not bring up questions without knowing the answers. Anything in particular you are wondering so I can make certain to answer it?
Chapter three written! I seem to have a strong tendency towards really short chapters. I wonder if I should work on that.
Spoiler: show
Chapter Three

There was a thump from outside the little house. The old woman got up and opened the door.
Josh heard a cry that sounded like “Gla!”.
“Well, now, here’s the answer to how you got here,” the old woman said, stepping aside and allowing several Glaceon entry. “They brought you to my doorstep, though I’m not entirely certain how. As for where you are, you’re right here in the lodge. It hasn’t even been a week since you were last here, surely you remember?”
Josh thought about it.
“No,” he said at last. “I don’t. I don’t remember... much at all, really. That’s... strange.”
“You said, when you last stopped here, that you were going to see the lake.”
“What lake?” Josh interrupted.
“Lake Acuity, up by Snowpoint,” the old woman said. “There’s a legend about that lake. Look not into the eyes of that Pokémon, or you will forget who you are.
She paused, frowning.
“That’s not quite right,” she added, “but it’ll do. Maybe when you went to the lake, you saw that Pokémon’s eyes. Perhaps that’s why you don’t remember.”
“It’s possible,” Josh admitted. “I really don’t know.”
“Well, be sure of this,” she said. “When you last came by, that Umbreon was with you. It’s yours, so you take care of it.”
Josh looked over to the bed, finding the Umbreon no longer there. He looked around the small lodge and saw it sitting on the floor, surrounded by the Glaceon. The Glaceon were examining the Umbreon, nudging it and sniffing at it. The Umbreon, however, was looking at him.
“Did you happen to catch its name?” Josh asked.
“Ah, even if I did, I don’t remember it,” the old woman answered. “I don’t remember names too well. But where’s the girl that was with you?”
“There was someone else?”
“Aye, though it seems you don’t recall her either. You’d best go up to the lake, young man. You’ll likely find an answer there, though it might not be the one you want.”
“That doesn’t matter, does it?” Josh replied, moving over to the crowd of Pokémon. “It makes no difference what I want the answer to be. The answer is the answer, and whatever it is it’ll have to be enough. If I don’t want the answer then I shouldn’t ask the question.”
The old woman chuckled.
“Get on with you,” she said. “You’ve a question to ask, and someone to find.”
Josh picked up the Umbreon from among the Glaceon.
“I’m told you’re mine,” he said. “You certainly act like it. Do you want to come with me then?”
The Umbreon nodded. Josh smiled.
“Well, all right then,” he said, setting the Umbreon down by the door.
“Thank you for taking care of me,” he said to the old woman.
“You’re welcome,” she said. “Don’t go falling asleep in the cold again.”
About to leave, Josh paused.
“Which way is the lake?” he asked.
The woman joined him at the threshold and pointed the way, explaining, “You’ll go that way until you can turn right, then do so. Lake Acuity’s almost straight north of here. It’s surrounded by trees -when you see a line of trees in the north, start looking for the gap.”
“Thank you,” Josh said again, and left, an Umbreon walking at his side.
Random Scholomance Quote of However Long It Takes Me To Get Bored of the Last One:
“Ancell: respecting personal boundaries to the detriment of his friends since 1993.” ~bookworm702
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Re: [Pokemon] Reviving an old idea

Unread postby QuoteMyFoot » January 31st, 2011, 11:14 am

Well, that's most of the questions I was asking answered. (Specifically: How are the boy and girl related? What happened to them? Why, of all places, are amnesiacs on the snowy route?) In case you're interested, unanswered questions include: Why did they lose their memories? Are the eeveelutions supposed to be connected, or is that just coincidence? Why were they going to Lake Acuity in the first place? How can they get their memories back? I expect these'll be answered in future chapters.

About the new chapter specifically, I liked it, though I think more introspection from Josh might be good in a future chapter. Also re: longer chapters, I think you maybe have a tendency to write in smaller sections, so if you wanted longer chapters, you could just join them together. I don't think you'd lose anything by merging chapters 1 and 2, for example, since they say roughly the same things, just about two different characters.
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