Cleaning out insistent bunnies

This forum is for picking apart tricky issues facing any authors in the community. Word choice, action scenes, dialoguing, or plot development. If something isn't working for you, put it up here and see what your fellow community members can make of it. Try to keep examples short and to the point as much as possible.

Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby Phht » March 20th, 2011, 2:40 am

Never thought I'd actually start a thread here (I'm still saying I'm a reader, not a writer!), but I figured that since I was trying to get an idea out of my head, I'd make it available for others to see/comment/adopt. Depending on things, I might have multiple ideas dropped in here (I have that massage-bloodline!Naruto idea still simmering in my head for one. So many options... :futile: )

Before we begin, it's rough draft because I'm mainly trying to get it out of my head so it stops popping up. I've written it, some times gone back and altered things because I changed something in the setting or to clarify a detail, but largely it is as originally written. Having said all that, I wouldn't mind feedback on it for improving my writing.

----
Project Akheron (Mass Effect) (last update 26 Mar/10 Apr 2011)
Spoiler: show
This particular bunny is based on the Mass Effect idea I had in March/April last year, and heavily expanded on here.

Project Akheron 2157-2174 (last update 26 Mar 2011, ~5800 words)
  • General list of scene points (for searching)
  • 2157 (mostly short segments)
  • Elysium (2172)
  • 01 Oct72
  • 02 Oct72
  • 26 Jun74
  • 04 Jul74
Project Akheron 2178-2183 - covers 2178-2183 (last updated 10 Apr 2011, ~6000 words)
  • General list of scene points (for searching)
  • 15 Mar78
  • 07 May78
  • 04 Jan80
  • 18 Aug81
  • 19 Apr83 (two segments, second is long)
  • 21 Apr83
It's All in the Hands (Naruto) (last update 23 Apr 2011)
Spoiler: show
The massage-bloodline!Naruto idea, with a side order of massage-bloodline!Sakura for fun.

It's All in the Hands (last update 23 Apr 2011, ~2100 words)
All the Time in the World (HP/SM) (last update 25 May 2011)
Spoiler: show
Kinda cracky idea wherein Harry Potter is the reincarnation of one Setsuna Meioh, who died nearly sixteen years after he was born. Mixes anime and manga continuity as I see fit.

All the Time in the World (last update 25 May 2011, ~385 words)
Through a Mirror, Darkly(?) (Naruto) (last update 17 Aug 2011)
Spoiler: show
Idea wherein the Byakugan has advanced levels like the Sharingan, and a damaged seal due to Orochimaru causes a biju chakra burst that causes Hinata's Byakugan to evolve to the next level.

Shuuchuu Byakugan Hinata plot bunny (Through a Mirror, Darkly(?)) (last update 17 Aug 2011, ~1376 words plus various outline notes)
EDIT: Removed fic snippet and slightly reorganized post to serve as table of contents for the thread regarding links for the various ideas.
Last edited by Phht on August 17th, 2011, 6:34 am, edited 10 times in total.
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby QuoteMyFoot » March 20th, 2011, 3:01 pm

A crisp salute greeted a general as he stepped
Saying 'the' general is better, since 'a' general implies there is more than one (but only one is being greeted).
the general gestures for the commander
You started in past tense, so you shouldn't switch to present. *checks keyboard* ...Unless that was a typo.

Other than that, I can't see anything especially wrong with this (bearing in mind I'm not familiar with Mass Effect), but I think the last section could be improved if you tried it directly to a character's POV (most likely Shepard). For example, is the general coming a good thing? Does Shepard feel irritated by it, relieved, what? Is he worried about what's going on, bored? What does the ship look like? Is it dark, well-lit, in disrepair, shiny and new? What's the crew feeling like? Give us a bit more info!
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby Phht » March 20th, 2011, 6:39 pm

ahaha. I do have an issue with sometimes shifting tense accidentally. Though in this case, it might be a typo if it's just that instance of tense shift for the scene. I did spot a couple other spots in that scene that looked to be wrong tense as well. :waytogo

I also see your point on the general, and given that the guy was mentioned just at the end of the previous scene, using "the" might infer that this is the guy just mentioned. And I'll see about adding to the front of that last scene to provide more regarding things like you suggest. And, giving a first name to that Shepard in the hopes that people don't get confused with an upcoming Shepard. :)

I was writing from the view of someone that's played both ME, so I already know what the derelict looks like (here's a shot of it, if you were wondering). But given that people might not either a) have played ME2 yet, or b) any Mass Effect at all, I'll put more detail in on that. I think I also figured the mention in the first scene regarding the derelict's condition would help describe it later without actually having to re-describe that part.

If it gets to the point that I'd actually consider putting it up on, say, ff.n, I'll probably also add sections before the current first scene that cover what the Systems Alliance is, how the First Contact War started, and a bit on mass effect physics; stuff that someone who has played ME1 (or 2) knows about.

--

While that's being worked on, the middle section of what's already complete. Slightly smaller in size to the previous group.

2172
Spoiler: show
Elysium
15 SEP72

Artillery rumbled overhead and GARDIAN lasers could be seen slashing across the sky. Soldiers shifted their balance as detonating mortars hit nearby, and watched over wounded being transferred further from the fighting. A holo map was set up on an ad hoc table inside a ruined building, with three people poring over the map and barking orders to others.

“Shepard! Get over here!”

An average height soldier in scuffed and muddied armor moved from near an interior wall to come to the table. “Sir?”

“Most of our units are pinned in place holding back the Batarians, pirates, and slavers. Which means we can’t shift any of them to deal with holding this bridge fifty klicks east of here. It’s a fairly straight shot from that bridge back to Fourth Fleet’s groundside section of headquarters and spaceport.”

Shepard gazed intently at the holo map. “We’re figuring on them moving to flank us since they increased the intensity along the fighting to hold us in place?”

“Correct. We’re pulling together a platoon from whoever we can grab that’s been separated from their unit. You’ll be in command.”

He blanched under the helmet. “But sir, I’m only a Gunny. An El-Tee should be leading, or at least an Ops Chief.”

“Unfortunately, we don’t have any of those to spare so you’ll have to do. The platoon’s being made from people spread across four battalions of our brigade as is, plus the SpecOps unit you’re from. And then there’s that company that was doing Type IV armor testing that’s scattered along a ten klick front holding the left flank.” The officer shook his head ruefully. “We need to get that platoon over and in position at that bridge before the enemy gets there. Once there, you hold the goddamn position until relieved. No retreats. The bridge is a chokepoint, and if they get past that, it’ll be hell bottling them back up.”

The Gunnery Chief paused in thought for a moment, then nodded. “Aye-aye, sir. Do we have surplus heavy weaponry we can requisition? And when are we outbound?”

An explosion rattled the ruined building and dust fell. The major glanced over to him. “Feel free to stock up on launchers, grenades, and MGs. Platoon’s being formed up as we speak and two Vultures are two minutes out with a pair of Mantis gunships escorting. Unit leaves as soon as they get here. Get moving.”

----

01 OCT72
Elysium

In front of the nearly unscathed Fourth Fleet headquarters, a small platform was positioned with several rows of chairs facing it and the building. A number of servicemen in dress uniforms were on the platform as an Admiral spoke at the podium.

“This medal ceremony comes somewhat later than the other medals given for actions repulsing the invasion of Elysium. This is due in part to two reasons. First, one recipient had heard how the media was covering his role in events and refused to accept the award unless he wasn’t the only person of his ad hoc unit to receive recognition for their crucial actions. Second, the other recipients refused to receive their medals unless their temporary commander was there with them.

“Luckily, the last of the recipients are now available. These men and women are members of the 7th Assault Division’s 134th Brigade. Formed as ‘Platoon Echo’ and consisting of scattered members of four battalions and a special operations unit attached to the brigade, they beat a Batarian flanking move to Fields Bridge. From 15 September through 16 September, they held the bridge against repeated and determined assault by infantry and armor. As a result, Platoon Echo lost thirty-three of its thirty-nine members while preventing a breakthrough that would have likely made it all the way here.

“For their actions, Private Wagner, Private Frost, and Corporal Vasquez are Mentioned in Dispatches; Service Chief Gibson, Corporal Gillespie, and Private Tendo are posthumously awarded the Military Medal; and Service Chief Rojas is posthumously awarded the Distinguished Service Medal.”
The Admiral steps back and turns to the servicemen on the platform. Two servicemen step onto the platform holding two boxes. “Navy Corpsman Kristin Beck, Private Dwight Pollock, Private Pierre Veda, and Corporal Hershel Pereira are Mentioned in Dispatches. Service Chief Brant Evans is hereby awarded the Military Medal.”

Admiral Cartwright presents the Military Medal to its recipient and comes to a stop in front of the final serviceman. “Lastly, we have the rare opportunity of awarding the Systems Alliance’s highest medal to a man who, by the reports of all involved, galvanized the morale and determination of his platoon, repeatedly exposed himself to enemy fire aiding his comrades, and stopped the last armor and infantry assaults on his own after the last of his unit was killed or wounded. Gunnery Chief John Shepard, for gallant action far above and beyond the call of duty during the Fields Bridge defense action of 15 and 16 September, you are hereby awarded the Terra Star.”
I don't entirely like that last scene.

Just as a note: The Systems Alliance has a severely bizarre rank system. That I messed with more by slapping an ad hoc platoon together.
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby Psalm Of Fire » March 21st, 2011, 12:21 am

Writing is great.

(And teaches you the depth of just how...delightfulfrustratinghardlayeredpowerful language is.) Cool to see you doing some, even if you don't have big plans for it.
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby ShonenHero » March 21st, 2011, 3:09 pm

Hey Phht, mind if I hijack your thread to share some insistent bunnies in my head for general sharing and critiquing? I thought about making my own, but I figured since there's a thread with the exact same purpose it'd be more convenient to use this one. :D
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby Phht » March 21st, 2011, 5:41 pm

I would say that, looking at the forum, you could probably just make your own thread.

Examples of other threads for a person's expanded plot bunnies:
Weird Plot Bunnies from a Weird Mind (MEK)
Plunnies of a Thozmp Kind (Thozmp)
Get these Screwy Rabbits Out of My Head (gman)
Random Plot Bunny Inspired Scenes (Tempest)

So yeah, you could probably just make your own thread without any issue.
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby ShonenHero » March 21st, 2011, 6:26 pm

Alright, will do.
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby Phht » March 22nd, 2011, 4:47 am

Yeah, I looked around myself to see if there was a single thread for such things before I started this one. :)

--

Well, on the master doc I've bounced forward to 2183 and we're done with Eden Prime. And that means the cat is out of the bag regarding the derelict. I'll probably let the cat out of a a few other bags as well in the next couple scenes after that.

2157 has the changes suggested in the last scene now.

(Holy crap, I'm at ~10k words so far)
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby DIT_grue » March 23rd, 2011, 12:06 am

I'm only vaguely acquainted with ME, but this looks like an interesting story. Some nit-picks for you:

You have a tense shift when the Normandy transits the relay to Eden Prime.

When you're describing - or at least naming - Shepard's armour, there is a punctuation typo '-,'. Also, you might think about tweaking the time transition at the start of that paragraph since I had to at least slow and think about it.

With the Alliance's experimenting with medium machine guns, you have an instance of 'heat sink technology' when I think you meant 'heat clip technology'.
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby Phht » March 23rd, 2011, 2:41 am

Thanks for pointing those out. Random tense shifts is a problem I have. Most of the time I catch when I do that, and that instance slipped through. I've made a slight adjustment to the line you mentioned (now "Having taken the time to gear up" instead of "Geared up"). Does that work better?

On the topic of the hyphen typo, are you speaking of the "Type III-H Mk2N Mod 6" part? That is actually correct on how I've designated naming the things. The "-H" specifies species or species type - in this case humanoid - out of a list (H/K/Q/S/T at the moment). If I end up with a species or type with an "X" designation, lacking the hyphen could result in possible confusion as to whether it's a generic reference to all Type IX armor (I wonder if that'd be a WH40k Dreadnought or Titan or something?) of whatever (un)listed mark and mod instead of Type I-X armor (low protection armor used by species/type designated by the "X"). There's no hyphen on the "MknX" part because those use Arabic numerals instead of Roman, so no issue with any letters like C, I, L, M, V, or X being right up against the number.

Though this has pointed out that I named the wrong armor! Fixed now, because I like the armor appearance I named more than I do for the armor I designated.

--

Nearly caught up to the main doc now (unless I add much more D: ), for those that don't feel like taking the link instead of reading it here.

2174
Spoiler: show
26 JUN74
Torfan

The carrier SSV Boltzmann had a quarter of its normal fighter and interceptor complement, instead serving as a regiment level troop transport. In a “corner” made by seven MV-24H Vulture troop transports in one of the hangers, a platoon of veteran marines gathered. Their armor had seen a lot of action - the paint was nearly fully scuffed off, chips and dings and replacement sections visible, matched by the appearance of the weapons being checked and cleaned, and distinctly apparently against the cleaner feel of the carrier hanger deck around them.

A brown-haired soldier moves into the area with his helmet in his hand. Giving a whistle that was barely heard at the edges of the “corner,” the man waved the marines over to him. “Okay, platoon. This is it. We’ve beat the Batarians back from their worlds. We’ve cut their supply lines and demolished anything military that wasn’t defended. The things that were defended, were obliterated by the Navy. Down below us is the last major base the Batarians have in the Verge. The fighting has been hard to secure the orbitals, and it’s now up to us Marines to go down and dig out the remaining forces so we can put this base to use for further operations.”

The lieutenant passed his gaze over his unit. “The sector we’re being dropped in is heavily fortified and the first wave was nearly wiped out. So, we get to go in and make the entire hole through their defenses instead of exploiting the gains of the first wave. The plan given to us is full of shit, but we’re stuck with it, so the company will be making a frontal assault right into the fortifications just like the previous wave. Luckily, there are several squads of Type IV mod 5s in orbit that we can call down for support if necessary.”

Second Lieutenant Shepard gave a sad smile. “We drop in five. Padre’s available and make sure to do final equipment checks. I’ll see you on the ground.”

While he let the time pass, Shepard gazed at the seemingly anachronistic design of the crafts that would be taking them to the surface. The Vulture was an old design even for a pre-Mass Effect physics era VTOL, with rotating wings and jet engines for vertical landings. The spindly wings and long “neck” cockpit with a fairly fat - in comparison - main body made it clear how it received its name. Two launchers sat in the wing roots, straddling the troop compartment and firing at a level between the pilot and gunner seats. Beneath the gunner was a fairly vicious looking gun turret. The design only carried six passengers, which meant they had been needing to make multiple runs to bring down troops in most engagements. Between that and it’s lesser capabilities from being a pre-ME design, it was likely to be replaced soon by a more modern design. He would miss the craft, though the newer A-61 Mantis gunship looked to be carrying on the general design legacy.

Five minutes later, the two engines on each Vulture began spooling up. The platoon finished putting on their helmets and ensuring the seals, then broke by squads to the designated transports. Second platoon’s command team shared the transport with Shepard’s team. The Vulture’s gunner shut the rear hatch and moved down the row checking restraints were secure as the transport lifted off and began moving for the hanger exit. He disappeared forward into the cockpit area, sealing the hatch behind him. Most of the engine noise abruptly cut off, indicating that the Vulture was now in space.

“This is the pilot speaking. Today’s flight is heading for Sector B of the Torfan main fleet base defense line. Ground conditions include rocky terrain and short mountains that could be tall hills, intense anti-air fireworks, and thousands of Batarians that want you dead. Weather is smoky with a chance of artillery or mortar bombardment and a high chance of bullet precipitation. We will be passing through turbulence, so all passengers must obey the seat belt and no smoking signs. Thank you for flying Air Alliance.”

The soldiers chuckled and shook their heads, trying to ignore the fact that the transport’s smooth flight had begun shaking randomly from surface-to-orbit “flak” fire. An unheard sigh of relief was given when the smooth flight shifted to slight steady vibrations and the engine noise began increasing due to entering atmosphere.

A rapid increase in the whine of the engines was the only warning before the Vulture banked and dove for the ground, spitting out countermeasures to spoof the enemy’s atmospheric anti-air defenses. Several balls of fire dropped towards the ground as some Vultures and Mantis gunships weren’t as lucky in evading the determined defenders’ fire.

The dive leveled out a seeming eternity later, and the lights in the passenger area switched to red. Both teams removed their seat restraints and readied weapons. A slight back tilt provided a warning just before the rear hatch opened. Second platoon’s team disembarked rapidly, followed by Shepard’s. The fire team continued moving as the hit the bottom of the ramp, heading west to meet the rest of the platoon. Behind them, the Vulture closed the hatch and took off for a rear area.

Torfan was a moon, and not a particularly pretty one at that. Like with many moons, it was fairly barren though its gravity was high enough to avoid “bounce” issues and had a thin atmosphere. Given that it was the location of a major fleet base, it was also fairly large for a moon. To the marines fighting on its surface, all this just meant they could hug the ground while moving and lacked easy concealment, with an added bonus that there were a large number of Batarians that would be trying to kill them.

Ahead and to Shepard’s left, another Vulture coming in rose up slightly too high to avoid an outcropping. Realizing their mistake, the transport started diving to its left a moment too late. A GARDIAN laser sliced through the right wing of the craft, taking out the engine and most of the wing. The explosion drove the VTOL down, and it went into an out of control spin even as the pilot attempted to regain control. A burst of smoke and dust past another outcropping indicated the out of view crash site only a hundred meters from the fire team.

Hustling to the crash site located one of his squads, as they exited the downed craft. The squad had already begun forming a defense perimeter by the time he arrived, and the platoon Corpsman went to work checking the marines and flight crew. The squad’s Service Chief rested on a seat at the back of the Vulture with his helmet off, receiving medical treatment for the slight injuries suffered in the crash. He looked up Shepard, commenting, ”I think we missed seeing the sign that said ‘Abandon all Hope, ye that Enter here,’ boss.”

Chuckles were heard across the platoon com-net. Shepard nodded his head in agreement and shifted his active comline to company level. “Bravo Four, this is Bravo Three Actual. Over.”

“Bravo Three Actual, this is Bravo Four. Go ahead. Over.”

“Bravo Four, this is Bravo Three Actual. Deployment mostly on target. Met up with Bravo Three-Two. Sierra-205 was shot down as it came in for a landing. No fatalities and no injuries in the squad or aircrew. Bravo Three-One will join momentarily, and Bravo Three-Three is already moving forward to link up with any first wave survivors. Do we have a designated location to send back wounded or aircrew yet? Over.”

“Bravo Three Actual, this is Bravo Four. No triage, medical, or flight crew recovery area designated currently. Enemy mortars and artillery make designating an area dangerous currently. If Sierra-205 crash site is not in danger of exploding and reasonably safe from enemy view, use location for temporary site. Over.”

A Mantis passing to their rear raining fire down on the enemy bunkers takes a pair of rockets in the side and another in the nose, leaving only a wing and the tail to fall to the ground from the explosions.

“Bravo Four, this is Bravo Three Actual. Understood. Placing Sierra-205 location on map and designating it as recovery and triage site. Bravo Three will now advance to link up with Bravo Three-Three and begin assaulting Torfan defense line. Over.”

“Bravo Three Actual, this is Bravo Four. Acknowledged. Out.”

Lt Shepard looked around to his men forming up and switched the comline back to platoon and local level. “Okay. Aircrew, stay here. Any other shot down aircrew will be heading here if possible currently. Wounded will also be heading back this way. Platoon, we’re pushing forward to link up with third squad and then hit the enemy. Let’s move.”

The first wave had done a good job clearing the first section of trenches, but had gotten chewed up badly by the bunkers overlooking the lower section of the defense line and a good section of the lower line was retaken. Reoccupying the lines without being torn up by the bunkers was difficult, but the lines were secured after several hours. Taking cover from the withering fire from the bunkers, Bravo Three gathered up the combat-capable survivors of the first wave into two squads. It didn’t seem to bad casualty-wise until it was noticed that those two squads consisted of people from three platoons.

A quick discussion led to a decision to send the scout squad, Bravo Three-Three, to handle the rightmost bunker of the trio in their section of the line. The infiltrator cloaks they were equipped with would serve well to get them to the bunker itself. Once they began their attack on the bunker, Bravo Three-One would engage the leftmost bunker at range in a feint to draw attention away from the right and center bunkers. The survivor squads along with the balance of the platoon would then assault the center bunker.

Three-Three used the defense trenches and lower bunkers to move to a covered position leading to their target. With a shimmer, the twelve troopers vanished from sight. They moved from cover to cover, allowing their cloaks to recharge between each move. Unfortunately, the last stretch to the bunker was a 50m long cleared area. A three-man fire team began setting up a sniping point at the last cover. The rest waited for the cloaks to recharge before rapidly advancing over the terrain, spread out to make it harder to hit. All twelve broke into sprints as the last energy in their cloaks emptied out.

Guns barked to life from both sides and grenades slammed into the front of the bunkers as the men finished closing the distance. Two rolled to a stop under the firing ports, and proceeded to toss incendiary grenades through. Two other fire teams swung around the edges to the rear entrance to the bunker. The five marines vanished from sight once more as the cloaks reengaged, and they slipped into the strong point unseen. Back in the cover, an anti-materiel rifle was set up on the rock, sending a round thundering the short distance every few seconds. Cracks from two other sniper rifles could be heard.

Attention was yanked to the other side of the bunker trio, as missiles and grenades started striking the bunker and the ground in front of it, spraying dirt and rock into the air. Decent sized pieces of rock were encased in a transparent blue glow before being flung towards the bunker firing slots. Bursts of fire lanced out from cover to the strong point.

With attention drawn two different directions, the remainder of the force began leap-frogging up the cover towards the center bunker. Snipers among the survivors kept the Batarians’ heads down. Smoke grenades landed in front of the bunker and began spewing out smoke, allowing two squads to move up to the bunker. One squad moved to the back door, and prepped breaching charges on it. The second squad moved to flank the firing slots.

An explosion flashed out of the rear doorway, and two flamethrower equipped survivors from the first wave followed up by sending streams of fire through the firing slots at the front of the bunker. Screams erupted from within as Bravo Three-Two breached the doorway. The flames cut off as the two troopers stopped to avoid blue-on-blue and moved to get behind the bunker in case one of the nearby bunkers still had some fight in it. Gunfire and screaming continued for several seconds before both cut off.

“Bravo Three-Two, bunker secure.”

Shepard signaled the survivors, grouped into Bravo Three-Four and Bravo Three-Five, to move and support Bravo Three-One’s push against the last bunker along their stretch. They acknowledged and moved towards third platoon’s left flank. He entered the bunker, where second squad was policing the dead and checking equipment.

One of the squad members waved him over. “Sir, this looks like triangulation gear. If they have this at various points along the defense line, they could use it to locate rear areas by their transmissions without needing to listen in.”

“And we’ve been checking in progress this entire time as usual. Damn.” Quick flip to get on the company level. “Bravo Four, this is Bravo Three Actual. Over.”

He stood there several seconds gazing at the parts of the bunker. “Bravo Four, this is Bravo Three Actual. Acknowledge. Over.”

Shepard brought up his tac-map overlay and oriented it with his current view. The location of the command squad looked to be quiet. With a frown, he switched his line back to platoon. “Bravo Three-Five, disengage and move to Bravo Three-Three’s current location. Bravo Three-Three, is your position secure? Over.”

“Three here. Position is secure. It looks like Bravo Two’s having issues, but we’re good here. Over.”

Watching the tac-map, he followed “fifth squad” as it shifted from the left flank to the bunker third squad controlled on the platoon’s right flank. “Three-Three, pull back and double time it to Bravo Four’s last known location and report. They aren’t responding to communications. Over.”

“Aye-aye. Out.”

The platoon finished securing their section of Sector B and fortified the positions somewhat should the Batarians decide they wanted it back. Wounded were patched up and worse cases ferried back to Sierra-205’s location by “fourth squad.” Long minutes later, news came in. “Bravo Three Actual, Three-Three here. Looks like artillery or mortar or both hit this area thoroughly. We’ve found bits and pieces, but it looks like Bravo Four is KIA. We’re sweeping the area to look for survivors now. Over.”

“Three-Three, Actual here. Acknowledged. Sweep the area, get any wounded to Sierra-205, and get back here. Out.” He switched lines to company level. “Bravo One Actual, Bravo Two Actual, this is Bravo Three Actual. Bravo Four appears to be gone. Any elements of it with you? Over.”

“Bravo One Actual. Negative on Bravo Four elements. Over.”

“Bravo Two-Two. Two Actual got wiped out a couple hours ago by mortar fire. Negative on Bravo Four elements as well. Could use some assistance in our section though. Over.”

“Bravo Three Actual. Understood. Pass me each platoon’s current tac-map. Contacting battalion. Out.” Shepard grinned as he turned from the view out of the bunkers to see the squaddies had cobbled together a command post from the equipment in the bunker. His chief brought up the platoon’s current tac-map, updating it as the rest of the company sent its information. He winced; Second platoon was indeed in a bad spot and needed help. He switched back to platoon level. “Three-Three, infiltrate and recon the general area where our area links to second platoon’s. Look for viable orbital insertion LZs. Over.”

Second squad was keeping busy, removing Batarian corpses and dumping them in front of the bunker. The tac-map updated: Able company linked up with his platoon’s left flank, and was pushing forward to finish securing their sector. He switched to the never-before-used-by-him comline. “Battalion, this is Bravo Three Actual. Over.”

“Bravo Three Actual, this is Battalion. Go ahead. Over.”

“Battalion, Bravo Three Actual. Bravo Four is KIA. Bravo Three has secured the bunker line in its section, Bravo One has nearly achieved same. Bravo Two is in trouble and needing assistance.” He paused as the tac-map rapidly updated with information from his scout squad and, surprisingly, first platoon. “Requesting Type IV squad deployment at Bravo Three-Three marker Golf and Bravo One-Three marker Echo. Over.”

“Bravo Three Actual, Battalion. Battalion Actual has designated you Bravo Actual for duration of combat. Type IV squad deployment at Bravo Three-Three marker Golf and Bravo One-Three marker Echo approved. Insertion in three-oh seconds. Squads designated Zulu Four and Zulu Eight. Over.”

“Battalion, Bravo Actual. Acknowledged command shift and deployment of Zulu Four and Zulu Eight. Out.” He swapped to company level. “Bravo One, Bravo Two, this is Bravo Three Actual. Battalion has designated me Bravo Actual for duration of combat. Bravo Two-Two, you are Two Actual. Over.”

Both platoons radioed acknowledgement. “Bravo Two, Bravo Actual. Two Type IV squads deploying in front of your line at Three-Three Golf and One-Three Echo. Callsigns Zulu Four and Zulu Eight. Insertion in one-five seconds. Over.”

“Bravo Two Actual. Acknowledged.”

Practical orbital insertion was a rather novel concept for everyone. As a matter of fact, Torfan was the first actual use of the ability in addition to being the reason it was developed. A company in power armor was inserted at key locations around the moon, disabling anti-air and communication capabilities to enable regular troops to land easier. As a shock-and-awe tactic in a combat zone, it was incredibly effective as well.

Twenty-four streaks burned down from space, spreading out into two groups of twelve. A kilometer out, each streak broke up as numerous reentry covers separated from the troopers. Half a kilometer out and a couple hundred meters off the ground, “brake parachutes” deployed, rapidly bleeding off speed before they also separated. Just before impact, the final pod section activated, using mass effect fields to bleed off the remaining speed and brace the troopers for touch down. Two clouds of dust and debris rose from the landing zones. Shepard linked his tac-maps to the two squads and designated the area needing assistance. After a moment, all hell broke loose for the Batarians as the power armor squads attacked.

Power armor was also fairly novel in the galaxy, though it had been in the field since the Skyllian Blitz, when a company testing the Type IV Mk0 design had a trial by fire and defended a ten kilometer front alone. Two years later, and the prototype design was up to its fifth modification. Type IV armor was, in most general terms, buffed up heavy armor. It was extended away from the wearer to accommodate a powered exo-skeleton, greatly increasing the carrying capacity and abilities of the armor.

That didn’t matter to the Batarians, just that those armors were Death Incarnate. Equipped almost exclusively with various heavy weaponry and machine guns, the two squads descended upon the defense bunkers with near impunity. Second platoon section’s flank bunkers were cleared before the Batarians could realize what happened. Then the secondary defense lines were flanked by the rapidly moving units as second platoon rallied and took the center bunkers.

After hours and hours of hard fighting and losses, resistance in Sector B ceased to exist fifteen minutes after the two squads landed without any additional fatalities in the Marines. The only damper on the feat was the loss of the SSV Boltzmann overhead, along with regiment command, to a last ditch attack with frigates and light-weight cruisers from the surface. According to reports, a mortally wounded Batarian frigate kamikazed into one of the Boltzmann’s hanger decks before exploding, causing a chain reaction of secondary and tertiary explosions that destroyed the carrier.

----

04 JUL74

“The Systems Alliance has announced that the Batarian Hegemony has capitulated under the terms previously rejected in early June. At the time of the agreed ceasefire, Alliance forces had secured most key Batarians positions in the Skyllian Verge, interdicted resupply or evacuation attempts for other strongpoints in the Verge, and were aggressively invading deeper into the Hegemony.

“Among the terms of surrender, the Batarian Hegmony cedes the entire Skyllian Verge to the Alliance, along with all worlds captured up to the ceasefire. This will shrink the Hegemony to roughly a quarter its size and cost them most of their economic and resource rich systems. In addition, eighty-five percent of its navy will be decommissioned and handed over to the Alliance including every single Batarian dreadnought, and the Batarians are restricted from building dreadnoughts or carriers without Alliance approval.

“The general reaction from Citadel space continues to be shock and disbelief, though turian and some salarian government reactions seem more in line with ‘I told you so’ to the other races. Alliance Parliament has already rejected a Council offer of peacekeeping forces deployed to the ‘warn-torn’ regions. There are rumors that the Council also requested much of the technology the Alliance has deployed in recent years, but nothing official has been heard from the Alliance.”
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby DIT_grue » March 23rd, 2011, 8:01 pm

Trying to scroll to the right part of the document, I stumbled across this sentence, "Cameraman staggered back to their feet, but the other laid still." which probably needs to start with a 'The', and while I'd need to look it up to be certain (and I'm not even sure where I should do that) my impulse is that this should use 'lay' rather than 'laid'.

The tweaked line is an improvement - but, hmm. How about "After donning his Type II-H" and so on from there? I think the combination of the specification number and mention of a civilian version can imply that it is an Alliance standard without needing to mention the word, and feel that this way reads marginally more smoothly. It doesn't raise the question of whether the armour is optional, for instance, and while I certainly understand what you mean when you write 'geared up', I'm not sure that I would ever use the phrase - so, possible bias due to a personal quirk: take my recommendation with a pinch of salt. :)

The 'hyphen typo' I was pointing out is later in that sentence - you have an extraneous comma immediately following the dash that closes the aside about civilian sales.
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby Phht » March 23rd, 2011, 11:26 pm

Trying to scroll to the right part of the document, I stumbled across this sentence, "Cameraman staggered back to their feet, but the other laid still." which probably needs to start with a 'The', and while I'd need to look it up to be certain (and I'm not even sure where I should do that) my impulse is that this should use 'lay' rather than 'laid'.
I think I was thinking that I could just use "Cameraman" as a proper noun there. But rereading it, yeah, that doesn't work.

On the topic of "lay" vs "lain", I did some quick googling and had to swear at English. Why the hell is "lay" a present tense word in some context, and past tense for "lie" in other context? Grr. But looking at the issue, it does seem like "lay" is the correct form to use.
The tweaked line is an improvement - but, hmm. How about "After donning his Type II-H" and so on from there? [...]
I see what you mean. And "geared up" would more imply all his gear rather than just his armor, so changing the phrasing works better.
The 'hyphen typo' I was pointing out is later in that sentence - you have an extraneous comma immediately following the dash that closes the aside about civilian sales.
That's the one I figured you were talking about, but thought I'd check the other first. Hyphens and dashes annoy me when I try to use them mid-sentence, which is probably where this comes up. Maybe I'm thinking of this wrong, but would the comma "end" the dash section, or would the dash section continue the rest of the sentence? Time to check that Handbook for Writers textbook that's still in like-new condition because I barely touched it during that class.

Hm, if nothing else, I actually should be using "--" instead of just "-" here.

Maybe this:
"After donning his Type II-H Mk3N mod 4 armor (the mod 0 version being sold in civilian markets as the Hahne-Kedar Shadow Works Spectre light armor), Shepard took one of the ladders down to the hanger."
Or this:
"Shepard took one of the ladders down to the hanger after donning his Type II-H Mk3N mod 4 armor -- the mod 0 version being sold in civilian markets as the Hahne-Kedar Shadow Works Spectre light armor."
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby Phht » April 11th, 2011, 12:08 am

Okay, the ME plot bunny is more or less complete as far as I'm going to take it. Added some sections to the second half of the bunny to provide additional info in 2178 and 2180.

Next one to work on is a toss-up between massage-bloodline!Naruto and a five-people-tied-to-Hogwarts-due-to-ritual-backfire HP idea.
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby spudman » April 11th, 2011, 1:09 am

Next one to work on is a toss-up between massage-bloodline!Naruto and a five-people-tied-to-Hogwarts-due-to-ritual-backfire HP idea.
I'd say the recent Samurai Naruto & Hinata idea instead. But if it's just those two options...hmm, could you explain (or point to where it is) the HP plot bunny?
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby Phht » April 11th, 2011, 2:28 am

I'd say the recent Samurai Naruto & Hinata idea instead. But if it's just those two options...hmm, could you explain (or point to where it is) the HP plot bunny?
The bloodline!Naruto has been kinda bugging me since the day I first mentioned it a year or two ago, and the other is listed because it's fresh in my head. Samurai!Naruto&Hinata was more of a "here's a cool idea! moving on..." thing instead of hanging around percolating. Not saying there's no chance, just that it hasn't been randomly popping up in my head and growing.

The HP idea (which doesn't really have a point, given that it'll likely fall in the trap of many super!Harry stories wherein Harry becomes super awesome and easily defeats opponents, and would probably only cover at most a year):
Spoiler: show
Basically, early 1994-1995 school year (ie GoF) - most likely September or early/mid October, Harry gets kidnapped and taken to a ritual room somewhere in Hogwarts (given that the school dates back to the 900s CE, I could see them having at least one long unused ritual chamber/room around the castle). The plan is to use his curse scar (whether it's a horcrux or power leech or whatever) to kill him via the ritual. To keep Hogwarts' wards from interfering any, the group kidnapped a student from each house -- I guess they didn't have sufficient helpers to get all the spots and represent their house? -- to serve as four points on the ritual circle while four helpers filled four spots on the circle as well (plus one inside to direct the ritual and do the part to kill Harry). For whatever reason (I don't really care), the ritual backfires, killing four of the willing participants and leaving Harry in a coma. He looked like he was starting to recover but that quickly slowed.

Eventually, the one survivor has the idea that maybe the proximity of the four other people to Harry might have an effect. It does. When they're near him, he has a chance to 'wake up' for a bit while recovering magically/physically from the ritual. The four slip into a semi-trance-like state (complete with entirely black eyes) whenever he does though. Soon it's revealed that whatever happened during the ritual backfire, it connected the five to the school and allows them to tweak the magic and effects the castle/grounds have (they ended up admins/system-operators over the Hogwarts "system/network" so to speak). The reason early on that they bounce between Harry and the four is that having Harry awake "pulls resources" from the others and they end up watching over the 'system' while Harry's awake (though they figure out how to consciously flip to 'admin mode' during the time Harry's recovering as well as how to consciously move through the system).

One of the points their capabilities would be illustrated would be when they use their admin abilities to have Hogwarts shut down the Goblet just before a fourth name can be removed from it. Eventually they'd get to the point where only one of the five would need to be on school grounds at any time "on call" in case something came up that needed their attention.
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby Phht » April 15th, 2011, 1:23 am

I briefly started on the massage!Naruto one. Don't entirely like the scene I've got done so far. Think there's too much tell and no show. Setting-wise, the first scene starts the afternoon following the graduation exam and discusses events from the day before and earlier that day (though timing might be off in the story because the incidents being reported had originally been a day or two earlier and I might've missed changing something once I shifted them to current spot).

It's All in the Hands (I couldn't help it)

I think if I altered a particular section - like this: “Yesterday morning, Uzumaki Naruto arrived to class early. Haruno Sakura arrived soon after and earlier than she typically shows up. Upon seeing Naruto, Sakura charged across the room and punched him into the wall while demanding at the top of her lungs what he had done to her mother.” - I could insert a scene switch that flashbacks to the incident instead of just talking about it. That'd also remove most of Iruka's next lines, I could shift the surviving ones up above Sarutobi's comments, then rearrange phrasing a bit to fit the new positioning of things.

In a similar vein, I could do another brief flashback at the point explaining how Iruka knew Naruto was in the hospital all night.

Next "new" scene would likely take place after the Mizuki incident - same night or following day, not entirely sure.
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby Phht » April 18th, 2011, 3:36 am

Okay, no new stuff. I blame finally getting around to playing the Chaos Rising campaign in DoW2 (and accidentally blowing up one unit with their own grenades 2 missions in a row, then blowing up another unit with their own remote det pack the following mission). And a bit stuck on things (which makes me put off changing up the current scene).

I'm placing 2-3 days between graduation exams and being assigned to a team (a day or so to decide teams, then another day or so to do the paperwork). Oh, and amusingly there's no Hokage mountain paint prank either way this goes. Naruto's either in the hospital being checked on, or he missed set-up/prep due to the previously mentioned hospital stay.

Possible version 1
Spoiler: show
I scoot the time frame back to where it was originally (Naruto hospitalized day, Iruka gets the scroll and chats with the Hokage day, then graduation day). As a result of the chat with the Hokage (the section we don't see), there are a pair of ninja at the graduation tests "to ensure no staff tries to curry favor with a clan by fudging tests to allow a clan heir to pass that isn't ready." As a result, Naruto passes (by the skin of his teeth, but he does better enough at the written test and taijutsu/sougujutsu portions that failing the bunshin portion doesn't flat-out fail him). Mizuki tries to get Naruto to steal the Scroll, but Naruto later recalls something Iruka said to him and goes to ask. Mizuki gets grabbed early, no Kyuubi reveal, and no KB for Naruto.
Possible version 2
Spoiler: show
Time frame stays the same: Naruto hospitalized day, Iruka gets scroll/chat with Hokage/graduation exams day. Naruto fails, but the Hokage allows for a retest for Naruto the following day under the eyes of unbiased ninja due to evidence that Naruto's been subtly sabotaged (not enough to fail, but enough to keep him at dead last). Mizuki incident occurs, Naruto gets merit promotion to genin, Kyuubi reveal, and he has KB. The retest occurs anyhow, just to see where his skills actually fall.
To give an idea of where Naruto would fall in the standings test-wise, in canon he's 27/27 (given 3 3-genin teams passed and it has 67% fail rate, the graduating class would be ~27 people large) in the graduating class. Either way he gets tested unbiasedly, he'll end up in the bottom 67-75% of the class. So 18-26th range instead of being at 27th. Not a huge improvement, but enough to show he's not an utter incompetent at this ninja thing or dead last.

To be honest, I kinda like version 1 because it removes the Kage Bunshin that is practically a required staple for Naruto. He wouldn't exactly be able to use it much to learn how to use his bloodline anyhow. OTOH, version 2 means he has Kage Bunshin. If he opens a ninja-centric massage shop (for massages only, no happy endings or whatnot!) or needs multiple people for one massage, KB could provide most of the staff for the place without needing to hire/train people.

Genin team and Jounin-sensei
Spoiler: show
Other thing. Genin team. I'm thinking Sakura+Naruto+Ino. Information gathering team (two massage bloodlines plus a Yamanaka, would be useful). But that means I'm left with an untouched Kiba+Shino+Hinata Search-and-Retrieve/Recon team and Shikamaru+Choji+Sasuke team unless I want to shake things up more. I don't see Kiba being good for information gathering, the Byakugan is a bit too easy to spot when active (even with contacts/henge) and if it's not being used in the field it's a waste so Hinata's out, Choji probably wouldn't work well due to his family's focus, Shika might work because he'd get to be pretty lazy (but leaves the possibility of a Choji/Ino/Sasuke team), Sasuke would still probably be too focused on getting stronger to like being 'shackled' to an info gathering team...

Jounin-sensei is likely to be Yuugao (Hayate is Sp Jounin (kenjutsu), and Iruka is Academy instructor) or their jounin-sensei Tsume Inuzuka. Tsume's genin team members won't work because one's Shino's dad and the other retired 5 years prior. Her jounin-sensei wouldn't work, because she died in the Kyuubi attack. And there's a reason I'm picking this team 'lineage' as best choice for training Naruto and Sakura that's connected to skills related to the bloodline and who Tsume's jounin-sensei was.

And no, they won't be going to the Chunin Exam. They're intel gathering, and skimping on combat training somewhat to get the bloodline capabilities up to a good usable level first. Of course, if they get good enough, they might be used as medic assistants to deal with cramps, concussion-induced headaches, and the like after the second stage. ;)
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby spudman » April 18th, 2011, 5:47 am

Wait, Sakura has the bloodline as well?

As for the byakugan, Ao did manage to hide his with a simple eyepatch even while using it. Hinata could wear large shades and carry a stick with her or something to play the part of a blind person.
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby Phht » April 18th, 2011, 6:27 am

Hm, that is true for Hinata. Though the bulging veins on the side of the head next to the eyes kinda gives it away when active. Neither Rinnegan nor Sharingan do that when active, and eye-based ninjutsu don't either. And I'd rather not go with the "wrapped bandages over the eyes" 'blind' option either.

Of course, I guess the other thing to take into consideration is whether the Hyuuga Clan would want their heir to be off out of view doing secretive information gathering stuff (and not being up for promotion quickly) instead of proving she's strong enough to lead or whatever.

--

Sakura. I considered one way or the other, but then decided that she would. If you look at the rookie 9 (and even including Team Gai), everyone except her has a unique gimmick. Tenten, who is otherwise "normal" like Sakura, is a badass weapon user. Rock Lee is unique with his lack of ninjutsu ability and his incredible taijutsu skill. Everyone other than Sakura and Naruto out of Team 7/8/10 are clan heirs with clan jtusu or bloodline, and Naruto at least is a jinchuuriki (and son of Yondaime). Sakura's gimmick pre-time skip was that she was incredibly book smart (by Academy standards). So, I felt that Sakura could get herself a neat bloodline for once.

It's actually alluded to near the end of the only current scene (added emphasis to the quote).
Spoiler: show
He passed over a report he had written up earlier in the day and paced slowly back and forth. “Unfortunately, events earlier today have both clarified and potentially made things worse. I met with Sakura’s mother on my way to the Academy. From the conversation she appeared to be, well, neutral regarding Naruto. Not her original ‘isolate the monster’ stance, nor the pro-Naruto version of any point the previous day.”

The Hokage held up his hand to stop Iruka and pointed to part of the report. “You mention that it could not have possibly been Naruto in this second instance because he was in the hospital overnight for observation. Given his dislike of the hospital and his apparent skill with Henge, how do you know he was there all night?”

Iruka blushed slightly and rubbed his nose where the scar crossed it. “I asked Hayate to keep an eye on Naruto overnight. Naruto was discharged without issue in the morning and made it to class a little late to begin taking the graduation test. Over the lunch break, Naruto approached me concerning a scroll missing from his belongings. With some prodding, I learned that it was a scroll talking about a bloodline.

At this point, he picked up the second scroll he brought and passed it to his boss. “Near the end of group tests, I took Ino aside to inquire if she had seen the missing scroll since she was the one that brought his belongings to the hospital with us. Turns out she had snooped through his items, saw the scroll, and took it to show to Sakura. I had a talk with Sakura regarding her assault on Naruto the previous day, and requested the scroll taken from him by Ino.”

While Iruka had been talking, Sarutobi unrolled the scroll and began skimming the contents. By the time Iruka had stopped, Sarutobi’s face was slightly ashen. “You believe Uzumaki Naruto and Haruno Sakura have this bloodline?”
First: She showed an unaccounted for viewpoint shift on Naruto. Not her original viewpoint up to the previous day, the extremely pro-Naruto version she woke up as, or the toned down pro-Naruto version she ended the day as due to Inoichi's efforts.
Second: Naruto's whereabouts were accounted for the entire day and night, and thus was not responsible for the latest shift.
Third: There was a scroll about the bloodline he had, that made its way into Sakura's possession until retrieved by Iruka later the day the latest viewpoint shift occurred.
Thus, there's a time frame between the third point and the first where Sakura had the scroll and access to her mom and opens the distinct possibility that she has the bloodline.

Of course, I leave an opening to change my mind on one of the two kids by having the bloodline test check be performed. It could be that she had an overnight epiphany that resulted in her extreme pro-Naruto view in the morning (thus, Naruto didn't actually affect her at all and lacked the bloodline), or maybe her toned-down pro-Naruto viewpoint melded with her original anti-Naruto viewpoint overnight and resulted in the neutral mindset regarding him the following morning (thus, Sakura didn't actually affect anything and lacked the bloodline). But I like the idea of both of them having it and proceeding in a distinctly less combat path through the series. :)
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby spudman » April 19th, 2011, 4:59 am

Hm, that is true for Hinata. Though the bulging veins on the side of the head next to the eyes kinda gives it away when active. Neither Rinnegan nor Sharingan do that when active, and eye-based ninjutsu don't either. And I'd rather not go with the "wrapped bandages over the eyes" 'blind' option either.

Of course, I guess the other thing to take into consideration is whether the Hyuuga Clan would want their heir to be off out of view doing secretive information gathering stuff (and not being up for promotion quickly) instead of proving she's strong enough to lead or whatever.
I'm not gonna bother arguing the finer points of being able to conceal the byakugan or even the need to do so. I don't think it'd be that hard ultimately, but I also don't see the need for concealing it very much (the reason for which you'll see later).

It is canon that Hiashi had said he doesn't really care about what happens to his daughter though, placing her in Kurenai's hands.

I dunno...I kind of find the idea of a genin team devoted to a particular type of information gathering as odd. As a leader if I wanted certain ninja to effectively use their bloodline abilities at some point, I'd aim for further down the road. For starters I'd make sure they could survive and kick some ass in the field if they have to ($%*^ can and will go wrong in the field), so that they can live long enough to specialize. Even later on, having all three ninja on a single team be of such similar specialties doesn't seem necessary, and two ninja with the massage bloodline on the same team seems extra redundant. With that in mind, maybe have Sakura and Naruto at least be on different teams.

Kiba, Shino, and Hinata could all provide some versatility in information gathering methods: one or two of them could gather intelligence in their own way (while not being noticed) or observe the other(s) (Naruto, Sakura, Ino) from somewhere else (from the shadows...) while they're doing their thing and look out for them.

Continuing with this thought it depends if you want a couple intel teams and one combat team or three balanced teams. If the former, I suggest the following:

Naruto, Ino, Hinata (massage bloodline wielder surrounded by opposite sex for team=funny)
Sakura, Kiba, Shino (likewise)
Shikamaru, Sasuke, Chouji

If the latter, there would be one "up close info gatherer" type of ninja, one sneaky/observer type, and one pure combat type on each team.
Here a lot of combinations could work, though I think some would work better than others.

O, almost forgot. Sakura having the bloodline makes her what to Naruto...distant cousin?
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby Phht » April 20th, 2011, 2:57 am

Made the shifts to accommodate the two flashback points, intend to actually do those two scenes today/tonight(/this really early AM).

--

On the subject of teams
Spoiler: show
From what we see in canon, the team you have as a genin seems to be the team you have for most of your career barring death or the like.

Team 7 - lasted one year, disbanded following Sasuke's defection to Oto, reformed as needed as Team Kakashi/Yamato with Sai filling last slot.
Team 8 - still intact after 4-4.5 years. Three Chunin plus Jounin leader.
Team 10 - still intact after 4-4.5 years. Three Chunin plus Jounin leader.
Team Gai - still intact after 5-5.5 years. Two Chunin plus two Jounin.
The elder Ino-Shika-Cho trio seems to still be intact after god only knows how long (Inoichi's 38 as of start of time skip, so something like 26-28ish years?)
Sarutobi's team was technically still intact given that the two Elders served as advisors while he was Hokage. That's 50-60+ years together. ;)

So I can see how they might form a genin team for such a purpose (taking into account a much smaller ANBU than fandom considers). They would be fast tracked to an Intel division in this case.

The plan would be to keep them in Konoha for six months to a year to really train well. As they get better at using the bloodline, they could be called in to practice on captured ninja for experience and a different 'interrogation' angle for higher mission level credit (and pay). And I'm sure there's a market for top quality masseuse that are okay'd to work on shinobi. :) For all intents and purposes, these two kids are precious resources for hidden villages (given the fact that the bloodline has been considered extinct for over a decade at this point and the services highly prized prior to that) much like "the last Uchiha" is generally considered in fanon.

And I think we were both overestimating just how much time would be spent solely on bloodline-related training. Let's say they start training at 6a, end training at 6p, and take a 1-2 hour break in the middle. I doubt they'd spend a full 10-11 hour day several days a week just on bloodline training; they'd lose interest/focus eventually each day or burn out somewhat. Maybe half each day, with the non-bloodline part being shortened as needed for D-rank missions or having to stop early that day. And compared to teams without that bloodline in it, that's likely skimping on combat training. Also, any chakra control exercises get double duty, seeing as they'd help both bloodline and jutsu use. There's probably other exercises that'd get double duty like that as well.
Regarding teams set-up
Spoiler: show
I have three thoughts on this.
1) We have the two bloodline members on separate teams that don't sync up training/missions sufficiently, and the third-party person teaching them how to use their bloodline effectively ends up teaching every lesson twice.
2) They're on different teams and the two teachers set up their schedules enough that the two train their bloodlines together. This may result in the previous though due to long out-of-village missions anyhow. Or breaks in the training while waiting for the other person to return.
3) They're on the same team and the whole team is trained together (or at least in the parts that don't require the bloodline to use - massage and pressure points are useful skills to know anyhow) with no training/missions scheduling issues.

Basically, I'm thinking them both on the same team for ease of training, since those aspects can be integrated in to team training as opposed to splitting of one person to go do the training each day or two, etc.

I'm also growing highly interested in a Shika/Cho/Sasuke team and regular Kiba/Hinata/Shino team. The first team can serve as combat and/or command, the second team can serve as recon and/or combat, and a Sakura/Naruto/Ino team could handle interrogation and/or recon. A nice, three cell platoon with a good balance. Add in Team Gai for more combat abilities. Properly trained, they could be quite dangerous set loose during a war.
Considering that the bloodline isn't "confined" to a clan, Sakura and Naruto may be closely related, or quite far removed while still being related. I'd actually be going for a sibling relationship between the two. Put them together using their bloodline and they synergize (ahahahahaha, synergize. fucking buzz words) well together. He can provide more power than he can properly direct to a goal himself, and she can provide greater control than her power needs. Kinda like how Naruto figured out to make a Rasengan, but without needing Kage Bunshins.
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby spudman » April 20th, 2011, 4:27 am

I really like the idea of three teams forming a 9 man platoon. Perhaps that could start shortly before the chunin exams. Gai's team could join after Neji gets the stick out of his @$$. It'd allow the characters to actually know each other a bit before any huge events like the Snake showing up and the village being attacked (if it goes down like that).*

I'd give a bit more for combat training (the chakra control can connect with that in some ways I bet)...but either way I think it ought to be enough for Naruto's team to be at a level to participate in the chunin exams. They won't have an obvious edge in direct combat of course, but that just means they'd have to get creative if it comes up.

*Whether Sasuke defects or not...could go either way, I think. He may very well bond with Chouji & Shikamaru or resent the close friendship those two have. He might feel both and look to sever any bonds that form. If he feels they're holding him back and/or they develop faster in comparison to him, then that'd definitely lead to similar thoughts that he had in Kishi!canon.

Hm, Kakashi as instructor for Sasuke, Chouji, and Shikamaru? He could actually intellectually challenge Shikamaru (beat him at shogi) and motivate Chouji to get stronger to protect his friend(s).
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby Phht » April 22nd, 2011, 8:37 pm

Sasuke isn't as driven for revenge here as he is in canon. There's a pair of clues that point out a big reason why in the initial Hokage office scene(s).

--

Actually, I'm kinda going towards them forming a cover they can/will use within Konoha over their careers."Oh, they're pathetic ninja. Only on the rolls as Genin still due to their skill in massage, which gets a lot of use from the shinobi they cater to with their clinic." As such, they wouldn't be going for promotion in the first Chunin Exam following graduation.

OTOH, they could still be underestimated if they go into the Exam even if I use the 'massage clinic' idea. And the idea is growing on me. Meh, it's a ways down the road in any case.

Okay, I actually bothered to take a look at wikipedia's massage entry and a site on massage (there are over 250 types/variations of massage, bodywork, and somatic therapies! holy crap).
Spoiler: show
My thought is that the style Sakura and Naruto will learn will be something of a mix of: Anma (traditional Japanese massage), Abhyanga (oil massage), Champissage (concentrates on head/neck/face), deep tissue massage, energy flow balancing, myofascial release techniques (concentrates on the connective tissues), Shiatsu (pressure point style evolved from Anma techniques; not acupuncture), and Stone Massage. Maybe a bit of what is known as Swedish massage. Most massage therapist types in Narutoverse would only concentrate on Anma and maybe Shiatsu, but this more comprehensive style was developed over substantial travel outside the Elemental Countries for use with the bloodline for diversity.

Training would probably start off with Anma, which'll lead into Shiatsu. Champissage, Abhyanga, and stone massage will get fitted in somewhere to serve as a break from regular technique training (weekend training?). The rest will be gradually added in as their skill level and chakra control increase. Once their chakra control meets the minimum standards of their instructors, they'll learn what their elemental affinity(s) are (not sure if knowing that will 'open' the instinctive use of it within the bloodline, probably would), though training on harnessing that may wait longer.

Ino would get Anma and Shiatsu training, then would likely get handed off to her dad to get good training in on the clan techniques. She'd probably get him to teach her how to shield and protect her mind better due to what her teammates could accidentally do to her during training with their abilities (and she could probably pass that on to them just in case). This would mean that her picking up the other massage techniques would depend on her teammates taking the time to teach her. Also, maybe see if she can get some chakra string training in there somewhere. :secret_laugh:

As a note, in the US massage training takes 500-1000 hours for certification/diploma/whatever. Training for 5 hours a day seven days a week (35 hours per week) adds up to 910 hours of training after 26 weeks (6 months). Given that the training in real life - in addition to massage technique training and practice - includes anatomy and physiology (they'll be getting this too), kinesiology (maybe they'll get this), first aid/CPR (pass - either they're already trained or they can learn later), and business/ethical/legal issues (hahaha - pass). So I would say that they'd be pretty advanced in their training program by the time the Exams start.
Elemental chakra with massage.
Spoiler: show
I think the use of chakra during a masage enhances the effectiveness of the techniques, and elemental chakra adds unique effects. Katon, obviously, would make a good affinity for massage because a person's hands could be the equivalent to heat pads or hot stones. Doton could be used to provide added pressure or serve as a means to scrape the skin (suiton rub followed by doton to clean and exfoliate the skin?). Suiton would be, if nothing else, good for moisturizing the skin. Maybe would work well with oil massage stuff. ;)

Raiton could be used to relax muscles (or tense them) or with sufficient training activate nerves. Using Raiton and stroking fingers down an arm, causing the muscles to completely relax. Or causing the pain nerves to flare intensely along the fingers' path. Or other nerves, but that's not allowed until sensei says so on pain of hand breakage.

Fuuton, however, would probably be a bad affinity for massage... well, at the moment at least. As I think Naruto would explain to Temari at some point, "Ever been mostly undressed in the desert and felt a cool breeze, that caressed your curves and every inch of exposed skin? Now kinda imagine that feeling from the hands of the person massaging you on top of the actual massage. It might be useful for revving a girl up, but sensei says not outside mission requirements, not until she considers me an adult, and not until she teaches appropriate techniques at that point. I listen to her, because she threatened to break the hands of anyone who misuses the techniques."

I consider medical chakra as "elemental" for purposes of bloodlines. Other than Katon, medical would probably be best affinity for massage since it can be used to heal sore/damaged muscles and bones while relaxing the same muscles. Then again, if they know chakra scalpels, they could subtly carve up someone while doing their job and the effects might not be apparent until much later.
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby Phht » May 25th, 2011, 1:23 am

I have an idea on where to go with the bloodline!Naruto idea that involves disobeying orders resulting in training injuries and an appearance of why one does not mix biju chakra with bloodline use. I just haven't really bothered to do any additional scenes on it. :???:

I also reorganized much of the ME plot bunny into a 2.25 chapter story so far (in a separate file). Third chapter covers Feros and by the end will have also dealt with picking up Liara. I have the end sections of the chapter in my head, but kinda stuck on having to bother with the majority of stuff for that planet.

AND. Because I felt like some severe crackiness, I reached out to a year-and-a-half old Harry Potter crossover bunny and started work on it for kicks.

All the Time in the World
Spoiler: show
Harry rested against the wall at the top of the Astronomy Tower, looking out past the nearby parapet at the starry sky. Everything in the world felt like it was on his shoulders now. The day’s Daily Prophet announced that Voldemort had returned, a full year after the event that actually brought him back to life. Sirius was dead, killed during a rescue by the Order of the Phoenix of six school kids lured into the Ministry over a prophecy; a prophecy linking him to the dark lord that Dumbledore told him about shortly after his godfather’s demise.

He lifted his left hand and closed it around a staff that appeared in his grip. And then there was this. It was slightly longer than he was tall, with a heart-like outline shape at one end containing a garnet orb and two groups of protrusions along the shaft itself separating the length into thirds. In some respects, it looked like a giant key.

The staff appeared to him in a dream a few weeks prior, along with flashes of memories of a life he never led. Voldemort’s visions forced on Harry supplanted the dreams for a while, but now nothing kept them at bay. A phrase tugged at the edge of his senses, a sentence that would provide him the answers to why this way happening. So far, his worry and fear of what would result prevented him from reaching out and using the phrase.

“Now this is interesting.”

Harry released the staff in surprise, the weapon vanishing when he did so, and snapped his head around to see who spoke. A woman stood a few feet from him, dressed in golden armor -- torso, skirt, arm guards, and knee-high boots -- with a golden helmet-like crown.

“Given the mantle, yet hesitant to fully awaken and step into the power. Aware, yet unaware.”

He stood and drew his wand warily. “Who are you?”

She cocked her head slightly to the side. “I am a traveller amongst the stars. A warrior against evil, trying to end the eternal war within the galaxy. Do you know who you are?”

“I know who I am right this moment, though what I am now is a different question. A question you have the answer to, right?”

“Mm. Indeed. Would you like to know?”
Betcha facepalm at the crossed series and what's up with Harry. :D (Or you could just go to the first post and read the description provided for the story and then facepalm).
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Re: Cleaning out insistent bunnies

Unread postby Tempest Kitsune » May 25th, 2011, 9:15 am

You've got to be kidding me. Well, at the very least canon Crystal Tokyo will probably never come about.
"Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world — "No, you move."
— Captain America

Naruto RP Character - Takuma Itsuki, Special Jounin
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