Review a Blurb

[Psalm Of Fire]

Blurb: a bit of text informing you about/enticing you to buy an item.

... Or at least that's how I'm using it. For instance, a "summary" on fanfiction.net would qualify as a blurb, probably more than it would a summary (summaries, you know, surmising events, which most don't do. They try instead to entice you, which is what they should do.) This thread is for other people to use as well -- although posting a blurb without doing a review would be considered tacky.

Anyway, I've been trying to write one such thing for my book. It's an "elevator pitch", or "the short version". I'd like to post it here and get some feedback:
1)would you open the book?
2)what do you like and why?
3)What is a turnoff, and why?

Without further ado:

-

The Sky is not Enough:

Tairitath, a city with lines drawn in blood by crossbow-wielding gangs. When an army marches against its walls, Joran decides a conqueror is better than the wars of division. An orphan and information dealer by trade, Joran knows the right ears to drop the wrong information into. But ancient magic resurges, and Joran finds himself in the middle. For the first time in his life he may have the power to do more than hide and flee and bribe when push comes to shove. ...If he can get a handle on this whole magic thing.

[emmy_k]

quote="Psalm Of Fire"]

1)would you open the book?
2)what do you like and why?
3)What is a turnoff, and why?
--------------------------------------
Tairitath, a city with lines drawn in blood by crossbow-wielding gangs. When an army marches against its walls, Joran decides a conqueror is better than the wars of division. An orphan and information dealer by trade, Joran knows the right ears to drop the wrong information into. But ancient magic resurges, and Joran finds himself in the middle. For the first time in his life he may have the power to do more than hide and flee and bribe when push comes to shove. ...If he can get a handle on this whole magic thing.[/quote]

Do you have a word limit? I sometimes think that in occasions like this, such a limit is helpful in making each word count (even if it's self-imposed). And I'm not great at this blurby-summary thing either. But since you asked....

Do we need to know he's an orphan? (I have no idea why this is sticking with me. I don't buy books based on that one item, but some people might really like it.)

What's he in the middle of? Between the gangs? The Army and the gangs? The Magic and the army and the gangs? Are you going for something with a touch of humor? Because if you are, then you might do something like "finds himself smack in the middle of the most action he's ever seen" or something.

Would it be "But ancient magic resurges" or "but an ancient magic" or "the ancient magic"? I sort of like the idea of a specific magic resurging - something that was known before, as well as the use of an article kind of ages the language a bit, which goes with the ancient part.

"For the first time in his life he may have the power to do more than hide and flee and bribe when push comes to shove. ...If he can get a handle on this whole magic thing." - I'm wrestling with the structure of this sentence, for some reason. It's not too many verbs, exactly. It's more like how do you make the cliche work for you - and I would write it this way: (I think it's because I always think of "When push comes to shove...." as a preliminary part of the sentence, followed by, "Then" descriptive part. My language about grammar sucks, though. I'm sorry I can't explain that better.)

And when push comes to shove, he might actually have the power to do more than hide and flee and bribe....if he can get a handle on this whole magic thing.

This is just what struck me. I hope it helps.

[Psalm Of Fire]

Very nice phrasing critique, Emmy! Thank you.

Do we need to know he's an orphan?

I'm trying to give the flavor of the story. I don't know if this is necessary, but it plays a large role in setting the story's tone. We'll have to see some other opinions here to know.

"finds himself smack in the middle of the most action he's ever seen"

Originally it was "smack in the middle of the resurging ancient magic", but I really like this take on it.

And when push comes to shove, he might actually have the power to do more than hide and flee and bribe....if he can get a handle on this whole magic thing.

Yeah, I need to refine this section a bit, now that you mention it. Thanks!

Returning to some of those original questions: Does the idea of the story intrigue you? Would you pick it up to read in a bookstore with possible interest in buying? What turns you off about the portrayed plot?

[QuoteMyFoot]

At the moment I'm not *sure* if I would pick this up. It would probably depend on the cover, because I am shallow. However, I can say that it sounds intriguing enough that I would probably at least glance at the first page (especially with a title like "The Sky is not Enough").

Two major criticisms: one, your opening sentence makes the blurb seem setting-focussed rather than character-focussed. Even though the rest of the sentences are about Joran, the implication sticks with me.
Secondly, this plot doesn't sound like it has very much to do with your title. If anything was going to make me put the book back down, that would probably be it.

Other than that, I don't HATE the blurb, but I think it could be a lot better. It doesn't seem very... attention-grabby. It seems almost like you're trying to be clever (right ears, wrong information), or that there's something lost in there somewhere. Assuming Joran is the main character, I think it should be more about him, I guess. Ugh. Let me demonstrate instead of explaining, because I fail with words:

Orphan Joran is used to surviving the gang wars that rule his city, but when the rumour of an army on the search for conquest reaches his ears, he seizes the opportunity to unite Tairitath and end the bloodbath for good. However, when the ancient magics resurface, Joran's plans go awry. Now, if he wishes to bring peace to his city, he must find a way to control his strange new gift before [something terrible here: the city is destroyed, the gangs catch up to him, he's captured by this army, whatever].
((Obviously, I'm not well enough acquainted with your story to make this wholly accurate. Take it with a pinch of salt.))

I tried to develop Joran's character a little more here. In this context, "orphan" becomes relevant because it suggests he has survived in the city alone (and also carries connotations that he remains alone) - so that's toughness, independence, intelligence, etc. He also appears more actively heroic - *he* acts when he hears about the army because *he* wants to bring peace, and the reappearence of magic interrupts *his* plans.

In your version the link between the city-conflict and the magic-conflict wasn't very clear. I've tried to make that more obvious here by suggesting that things go wrong because the magic appears. I've also tried to suggest that Joran can't just "walk away" from the conflict by implying that Joran has made things worse by interfering, and must fix things somehow. I think there's also the implication that magic is dangerous to Joran for other reasons. Again, obviously, this should be taken with a grain of salt.

I hope I haven't come across as, uh, arrogant or anything here - this is just my opinion. I tend to go all the way when people ask for criticism. Good luck with your story!

[Psalm Of Fire]

As far as I'm concerned, Quote, that is some seriously solid feedback. And your example blurb does a good job of illustrating what you're saying. I very much agree that the blurb would benefit from strengthening the connection between the action and Joran. Keep approaching it as you are.

There is one part in your example blurb from the original that was left out: "information dealer by trade". Now, maybe the role that this fills is served by the emphasis on Joran being heroic/active. But maybe not. It was designed to illustrate that he is capable. You have the "helpless orphan" archetype (Harry is a good example) and Joran is not that.

*Cracks knuckles* Let's give it another shot:

Joran, orphaned and used to surviving the crossbow-wielding gangs that rule his city, seizes an opportunity to end the infighting: a conquering army marches upon the city and Joran is going to help them win. But his campaign of sabotage goes awry when the agent magics resurge. He'll have to use his street-grown skills, get a hang of this magic, and ferret out who is actually pulling the strings to prevent the nearing massacre.

There is one part there I'm afraid will add clutter: "crossbow wielding". I say this to keep it clear in the readers mind that this is not modern-day, seeing as "gang" is a modern term.

How is this one ringing?

[doc.exe]

Well, it sounds fairly intriguing to me. I would at least give it a look, based only from what I get of the plot and setting from the summary.

I have to admit that the "crossbow-wielding gangs" part do puts me off. Not because of the verbosity but actually becuase of the "gangs" part. As you say, it's a modern term and, to me at least, it does not feel right with the setting. I get the idea that you are trying to convey there, but probably a more... let's say, "ancient" term would be more appropiate. It would also help to get the reader the notion that the story is not set in the modern world.

Sadly, I'm not really sure which term would be the most appropiate. Probably "guild" or "horde", but I'm not entirely satisfied with them as they could also convey a different idea to the reader.

[Aldraia Dragonsong]

Circle of Magic used the term "gang" in a non-modern type of setting. The term "crossbow-wielding" does seem excessively wordy, though as you say since "gang" is a modern term it has modernistic implications.
Additionally, it seems forced to mention Joran's orphan status in the blurb -it will come up or not in the course of the story and does not sound central to the plot based on the rest of the description.
I would suggest:
Joran is used to surviving the wars between the gangs that rule his city, but when the chance to end the infighting comes, he seizes it. A conquering army marches upon the city, and Joran plans to help them win. Then his campaign of sabotage goes awry when an ancient magic resurges. He will have to use his street-grown skills to get a hang of this magic, ferret out who is actually pulling the strings, and prevent the nearing massacre.

[Phht]

Maybe something like "bandits" instead of gangs?

[emmy_k]

I like "tribe" or "hordes" or "mobs" instead of "gang."

This seems like a large-scale story - whole worlds colliding sort of thing with one guy at the center - which is not exactly my cup of tea, but it's not to say I wouldn't buy it. I tend to read the first couple of pages in the store before committing. (Now that paperbacks can be ~$9 each!)

Also, something as insignificant as whether or not the cover is pretty is important, and if it's face out on the shelf (I worked in a number of different bookstores and that sort of thing is often pretty random) for smaller titles, but for bigger concerted pushes, it makes a big difference in sales.

[Psalm Of Fire]

I would at least give it a look, based only from what I get of the plot and setting from the summary.

:D That's the idea.

@Aldraia I understand removing the orphan, I'll have to weigh that. For sake of brevity, it probably will be removed. Would you care to explain your other modifications, I don't quite understand them.

This seems like a large-scale story - whole worlds colliding sort of thing with one guy at the center - which is not exactly my cup of tea, but it's not to say I wouldn't buy it.

now this is really bizarre. In later books the story grows to that scale, but the focus is rather intimate in the first book. If people go into this expecting national/kingdom-level politics they're not going to find it... I assume it is the the fact that we're talking about armies and magic resurging that gives it a sense of scale? Those are the backdrop for the action, like mountains in the distance, everything else is happening a lot closer scale.

This could present a problem. Hm.

-

As for "gangs", good suggestions guys, I'm going to think "out loud" over them.
-Guild: there are ready an advanced systems of guilds within the city that have nothing to do with the violence the gangs are causing. Reusing the term would be confusing in this case.
-Horde: implies a size (amount of members) and possibly a disorderly nature that doesn't apply.
-Bandits: did you have to like attack passing caravans to be abandoned? I tend to visualize a motley group of petty thieves, not something you're so vicious as gangs. Then it's, on some level, steal to survive. These gains have no such sympathy garnering excuse.
-tribe: I see potential here. I'm afraid it doesn't bring the grittiness with it that "gang" does, and with so little room to explain in the blurb, could be easily misinterpreted.
-Mobs: feels too disorderly. You average citizen could be a part of a mob, but the gains are made up of skilled fighters.

-Crew: I did some thesaurus hunting and found this word. It implies a size more accurate than Horde, and the organization these gangs have. It doesn't portray viciousness, though. So, "[adjective] Crew?", like Blood Crew? The particular combination seems to unclear for the blurb, but maybe not.

-Ring: such as criminal ring. Hm, I like crew more, because it has a certain original flavor to it that I like (same with tribe), but this may serve the blurb best.

Thanks everybody! I knew I made the right choice when I asked this forum.

[Aldraia Dragonsong]

"Crew" does seem to carry many of the desired implications. "Street crew" perhaps?

I understand removing the orphan, I'll have to weigh that. For sake of brevity, it probably will be removed. Would you care to explain your other modifications, I don't quite understand them.

Ah, sorry. I was rephrasing it because the old phrasing seemed kind of unclear/awkward to me, but that might be a matter of personal opinion. "Surviving the gangs" seems... weird somehow, it simply does not quite make sense to me. In general, the changes I made shifted some of the implications and may have thus made the blurb less accurate, so take my advice with a grain of salt. The first sentence felt like a run-on to me, which I believe was why I started shifting things around.