So when I open a fanfiction and see the first sentence looks something like this: "Naruto and Sasuke had walked along the path to team 7's meeting place", I drop it in an instant.
What's wrong with that sentence, it's perfectly functional!
Two things: 1) usually the author begins a dissertation on what the characters had done, everything before the scene starts, apparently to set it up, and 2) it's not interesting.
Before We talk about exactly what the sentence is failing at, let's look at a good example. This is from "Spying no Jutsu" by daniel-gudman.
This is not the only way to open the story. But instantly we have conflict: "what is the Hokage worried about?" and then "why are they boned!". It also has humor -- again, not necessary but certainly aides in the initial capture of your audience.Tsunade sighed, and leaned back in her chair and rubbed her forehead.
Iruka scrupulously looked the other way.
"We're boned, aren't we?" Tsunade said.
"Er... yes, Hokage-sama.:
Another way to open a scene is powerful description. If you can paint a conflict in the description, that will help immensely. For instance:
Here we set up a tense atmosphere, and bring it back again when Sarutobi steps into the light. It really provides a flavor to the scene beyond just the action occuring. Not all opening descriptions has to be suspenseful, but I would advise against starting a story with one that's not.Light pierced through the window and cast harsh shadows and the room. The curtains stirred, a feeling more ominous than gentle. They became still again, as if afraid to draw attention.
In the far shadows of the room figure stirred. Danzou shifted against his restraints, and blinked against the sunlight.
"Danzou, my friend," an old voice cracked. Sarutobi stepped into the sunlight. Black shadows pooled in his whethered face, casting it in harsh relief. It matched his harsh expression far too well.
Danzou began surveying his options, his bargaining chips.
Sarutobi leaned forward. "It's over."
And, if you cut away from a suspenseful scene to some non-suspenseful description, many of your readers are going to be pissed. It can come across as self-indulgent -- they don't care about how good the Sakura trees look, they care that Naruto is being attacked by Orochimaru or Harry is running from dementors.
An opening of a scene has a few things it needs to do:
1) Establish Viewpoint (excepting single-POV 1st person and omincient 3rd person perspectives)
2) Give the reader a reason to care
3) Give the location and time
It doesn't need to do them swiftly, except number 2. Suspense, some beautiful description, some relatable situation, or a place where they can cheer for the hero, all these things give the reader a reason to care. In fact, it's a good question to ask your self for each scene: why should the reader care about this? If you can't answer that, its time to put that scene on the either the chopping block or the anvil.
This post is called Ready, Set, Stop! because so many inexperienced authors use passive starts. Let's take a look at passive voiced scene, a slow but important one (no doubt).
Here we have a conflict packed premise for the start of the scene. Naruto is reflecting on an argument he had with Sakura after Sasuke's betrayal, and its still hurting. Even with a good subject matter, it still all passive voice.Naruto had told Sakura he had had enough. She had gone off on him, telling him he didn't know how bad it had hurt. But Naruto had hurt when Sasuke betrayed, too. It had torn him up – and it still tore stuff inside. He hadn't known how to say it at the time, but somehow Naruto had still gotten it across: she wasn't the only one hurting!
Well, maybe he hadn't. She had told him "just go." Her voice, all quiet like that, it hurt worse than stomachache. He tried to do something to help, but she had just repeated herself.
So now Naruto walked along the leaf strewn path. His feet didn't seem interested in taking him home. He could have been home an hour ago. But he was glad he wasn't, he needed to think about stuff.
Kakashi dropped from a tree nearby, startling Naruto. "Hey," he said with a casual wave. Naruto glared at him. He couldnt' help it, Kakashi had lied. Things weren't like they were before, never would be. Naruto looked away, and blanked his face as best he could.
Let's turn it into active.
Conversion
When turning a passive sentence into an active sentence you have to convert the focus of the sentence. One of the tools to help you do this is to ask "what is a sentence saying"? Let's look at the second sentence: She I had gone off on him, telling him he didn't know how bad it had hurt. But Naruto had hurt when Sasuke betrayed, too.
In this case, it's saying that Naruto was hurting. There's more information in there, but that's the key reason why Naruto is still thinking about these things, or is thinking about them in light he is. In fact, that's what most of it is saying. So how can we communicate this in an active way?
Let's show Naruto-kun in pain. And what does a hurting person look like? He could clentch his fist, or stare at something he normally thinks is beautiful and not even recognize it, or run his hands through his hair.
If you can, it’s best to focus on the largest conflict immediately.
Did you feel like you were there with him? Did one sentence seem to flow into the next, creating a stream to pull you along? Did it feel more like an experience, rather than a report?Naruto aimed a harsh kick at a stone by the path. He let anger on his face that moment. The stone zipped away, and Naruto's eyes followed it. He shoved the anger away and hid it from his face.
But the feelings came back up, like a bad dinner. Her words stung again; 'you don’t know how bad it hurts, what it’s like!'
Yeah, he did. Naruto didn't know why, but her saying that stung a lot. Sasuke's betrayal still tore stuff up in his chest -- and she thought it didn't hurt! Like Sasuke didn’t mean something to him? As if he would be just as thirsty for vengeance if he actually cared?
Naruto marched down the path pointing nowhere toward home. He needed the air though.
Just go, her words drifted back. Just go. He hated the tears on her face when she had said that...
Naruto growled. Maybe he didn’t need all this quiet. He clenched his jaw and continue his march. Wind stirred up leaves. One swatted him in the face. He snatched it away from his face and crushed it, throwing it aside. The motion felt good, helps, just a little bit.
Another swirl and Kakashi-sensei appeared, one eye resting on Naruto.
“Why are teams so hard!” Naruto blurted.
“Well...” Kakashi said and stowed Icha Icha . “They aren’t always.” He scratched the back if his head. “Only the great ones, I guess?”
Look at your opening three paragraphs of your story, or for any particular scene that feels slow. Highlight the passive verbs ("had, were, was"). If you have more than one in three paragraphs you probably have too many. Passive verbs don't give the reader anything to see, anything to feel, anything to smell, touch, or taste. There's nothing to visualize. At best, it's an after-action report.
A scene that starts with a focus on dialogue, suspense, or beautiful description (an active, beautiful description) has the reader in action before they even know it. Removing passive sentences will take the "molasses" from your prose. For many readers, instead of being an effort to get to the next sentenc,e it will happen naturally as a result from active writing.
With an active start, you will find you story swifter and more involving. Ready, set, go, instead of ready, set stop.
Thoughts or discussion?
