Ah, I didn't even realize you can read it like that. It's clear now, though.Just plug "In order" in after the "aren't" and that should make the sentence flow better, as well as be more understandable.
From his new fic Long Night of the HarvestDon't forget: Mass Effect is powered by magic space rocks. Evangelion is powered by Your Mom.
I think I fixed all the present tense stuff. If you see me using present tense, no, it's not intentional, it's because I'm putting these segments up without a beta.What's with the sudden shift to present tense for this segment? And even if it was intentional, there's at least one isolated sentence in past tense.
Fixed.I think he should have reacted less 'maturely' rather than less 'mature'.
This is actually from the show. One of Robin's quirks is to play with the structure of words. At one point, Artemis mentions being distraught, so Robin tells her to get traught, or she's going to get dead. Other favorites include being whelmed (because you can be overwhelmed, or underwhelmed, but never just whelmed) and aster (opposite of disaster).Stay traught. - taut? tight? tough?
Fixed.by himself - repeated too close together. How about using 'alone' for the first one?
I was actually quoting from the episode, but you're right, it doesn't flow very well. Aqualad is, however, a very precise speaker, in general.miracle - Do you really need to repeat all the names, since they were already listed off early in the segment? (The only justification I can think of for keeping it is if that's the speaker's verbal tic.)
Present tense in part 33:I think I fixed all the present tense stuff. If you see me using present tense, no, it's not intentional, it's because I'm putting these segments up without a beta.
I like the fact you keep the character quirks in mind. I wouldn't have understood the sentence without knowledge of the fact that Robin has a quirk though.Robin nodded. “So, are we feeling the aster?”
Yeah, I know what you're talking about, but I'm not sure how to fix it. For reference, this scene is one that I lifted from the show. Any suggestions on how to make it flow better?One part I disliked was the following conversation in part 33:
The structure of almost all sentences here is identical: "..." <person> <verb to denote talking>.Spoiler: show
In this scene, Batman and Red Tornado have already been taken over by the Light via Starro-Tech. They know about Red Arrow being the mole because they are directly controlled by Klarion, who is feeding the Team misinformation. Or are you talking about the Team finding Red Arrow?I am unfamiliar with Young Justice, and there are two things that are unclear to me: How did they find Red Arrow and how did Red Arrow break free from his mental programming?
I'll try to make sure quirks like that are better explained in-story in the future. However, I generally assume readers of a fan-fiction have a certain level of base knowledge with regards to the fandom. A dangerous thing to do with crossovers, I know, and I'll try to avoid doing so in the future.I like the fact you keep the character quirks in mind. I wouldn't have understood the sentence without knowledge of the fact that Robin has a quirk though.
Hmm... Maybe add some non-verbal interaction and/or mix up the order of the sentences? You use similar tricks in the second part of the conversation.Yeah, I know what you're talking about, but I'm not sure how to fix it. For reference, this scene is one that I lifted from the show. Any suggestions on how to make it flow better?
Yeah, that's what I meant. I got the fact that Batman and Red Tornado were already taken over by the Light.Or are you talking about the Team finding Red Arrow?
The mental conditioning being broken isn't pointed out explicitly; an off-hand command explaining the fact that he broke free would be good enough I guess. Right now, it reads as if the Team hears his explanation about being mentally programmed without hearing he was ever released from that programming. Feels like a break in continuity, especially since you might expect Red Arrow to be programmed to infect himself with Starro-Tech after infecting the rest of the League.Red Arrow broke free of his mental control because he was never under the influence of Starro-tech, just preprogrammed mental instructions to infiltrate the Justice League and infect them with Starro-tech. Once he had done so, his programming was done, and he took that opportunity to escape. Do I need to edit again?
I guess that's indeed the risk of crossovers; a fan of one series might not know the other series. It's fine this way though; at some point the reader can find out about these quirks themselves even if they don't know one of the series. It's just that using words like 'traught' and 'aster' without clarification might cause one to believe you made some weird typo. My mind doesn't connect 'aster' to 'disaster'.I'll try to make sure quirks like that are better explained in-story in the future. However, I generally assume readers of a fan-fiction have a certain level of base knowledge with regards to the fandom. A dangerous thing to do with crossovers, I know, and I'll try to avoid doing so in the future.
Try reading this without knowing what aster is. Only positive things are mentioned, so it's not easy to think of the word disaster in this setting.Robin nodded. “So, are we feeling the aster?”
Harrier thought about it. Gotham was safe, Hogwarts was fun, the Light was defeated, and he’d just been a part of the group that saved the Justice League from mind-control. He looked out the window again and saw the sun break the horizon. It was a new day. “Yeah. Definitely feeling the aster.”
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