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Soliciting thoughts and opinions on a writing "style."
Unread postPosted: June 26th, 2015, 8:56 am
by MorphCrossing
Feel free to offer your thoughts and opinions of the short passage in the spoiler. Things i'm looking for:
Is it sufficient at rendering the characters emotions while not straight out saying the emotions? Does it render a view of the character that is sufficient while not being overly descriptive?
You can feel free to blast anything you read in the passage I enjoy harsh criticism but the two things i'm mainly looking for are above. If you feel it's lacking somewhere else go ahead and tell me.
Reaching down the Hokage clamped onto Ryuuka's shoulder while the other hand dipped down and caught her elbow, applying a light amount of pressure on a certain point in her lower arm. Ryuuka stomped her sandaled foot on the portion of the floor that milliseconds before had been occupied by his own foot, quickness and experienced reflexes preventing him from suffering fractured toes. “Don't touch me! Don't grab me! Let! Me! Go!” She punctuated each cry with a stamp on the floor aimed at pulverizing Sarutobi's foot.
Releasing her from his grip, the Hokage placed himself against the door and narrowed his eyes, staring down at her face. The pupils of her eyes which normally blended into the dark purplish-brown were standing out huge and apparent, and shimmering. Her lightly tanned cheeks had a tint of redness that stood out uninterrupted by the whisker marks. Beads of sweat were trickling down her face from her temples.
Sliding out from in front of the door the Hokage moved back away from the girl. Ryuuka shook slightly and her pupils contracted to their normal size. Seeing the unblocked door she grasped the knob, spinning it, and swung the door open towards herself. Walking out quickly she didn't see the Hokage raise a hand and shake his head at the Tokubetsu Jounin stationed on the other side.
“Ryuuka...you...” Shaking himself he glanced through the door at his stationed guard. “Find Aoba-san and tell him to bring me Mitarashi Zoukihara. I don't care what Zoukihara is doing, that old man better have the answers to my demands or he'll find himself under the care of Inoichi and Ibiki.”
Ask any question you want about the passage, whether I give a full answer is another matter entirely.
Re: Soliciting thoughts and opinions on a writing "style."
Unread postPosted: June 26th, 2015, 8:17 pm
by Tempest Kitsune
Someone really doesn't like being touched.
Re: Soliciting thoughts and opinions on a writing "style."
Unread postPosted: June 27th, 2015, 2:11 am
by MorphCrossing
That does tell me I released just enough info in the passage. Thanks Tempest!
Re: Soliciting thoughts and opinions on a writing "style."
Unread postPosted: July 14th, 2015, 5:28 pm
by RavynousHunter
Holy shit. Uhm...I really can't think of anything other than "DAMN." Quite well-written and gives you clues as to what happened without outright saying it, thus leaving something to the imagination. All in all, I say you've nailed a good style, already.
Re: Soliciting thoughts and opinions on a writing "style."
Unread postPosted: July 14th, 2015, 8:42 pm
by MorphCrossing
Thanks for the comments! I try to avoid an excess of introspection and work as much into the story through the character's eyes while trying to keep the characters assumptions from dropping into the story.
Than there is the fun of creating each characters speech patterns and quirks.
Re: Soliciting thoughts and opinions on a writing "style."
Unread postPosted: July 19th, 2015, 11:52 am
by jgkitarel
There's a number of ways that can be taken, none of them good. Considering her rather harsh reaction, it certainly implies severe abuse, the kind which can be left up to a person's imagination, and we will often think the worst. I did until I took a step back and looked at it logically. The level of reaction implies that it hasn't gone on long enough for her to accept it as normal, though.
A good case of showing without telling, which is harder than it sounds.