The Short Blurb

This is for discussion related to Rhiyen's Deal

The Short Blurb

Unread postby viridian » April 29th, 2015, 2:44 pm

When a teenage malcontent is targeted by a corrupt principal, he makes a deal with two nerdy classmates. He protects them from bullies, they help him pass his classes. But soon his problems expand from staying in school to solving the mysterious disappearances that plague Glenridge. Can a trio of outcasts discover the truth before they vanish into the night?


It's currently being posted here: https://www.patreon.com/user.php?v=viridiandreams
viridian
Site Admin
 
Posts: 1589
Joined: January 20th, 2011, 2:07 am

Re: The Short Blurb

Unread postby runsamok » May 5th, 2015, 12:25 am

This thread is for discussion of Rhiyen's Deal. The chapters are posted on Patreon and only visible to Patreon subscribers.
Sincerely,
Lindsey Schocke (aka Runsamok)

"In the penny jar of life, I want to be a quarter."
User avatar
runsamok
 
Posts: 221
Joined: January 20th, 2011, 5:14 pm

Re: The Short Blurb

Unread postby Ergoemos » July 13th, 2015, 9:05 pm

I liked part 3 quite a bit. I like how we've finally gotten to the titular agreement, and things are moving along. I am still trying to figure out if we are dealing with some thing supernatural or a more mundane thriller-y mystery-y type story (not that either option would be bad).
Ergoemos
 

Re: The Short Blurb

Unread postby Ergoemos » July 31st, 2015, 5:26 pm

I think you've really hit a strong stride with these chapters. I think just about everyone's reacripes were solid and while Rhiyen is still abrasive, it isn't quite unnatural.

I like the turn the story has made, and the multiple nara times are growing fondly on me.

I'd like to submit recommendations, though I don't want to seem presumptuous. I think you are doing a great job. I don't, by any means, think that the story needs to be changed I was thinking more of a suggested change in tone or an additional line or two to emphasis the especially out of place parts.

If you would want to hear them, would you rather I offer them here in the forum or on patreon or not at all?

Thanks for sharing, I've been loving it so far!
Ergoemos
 

Re: The Short Blurb

Unread postby viridian » July 31st, 2015, 6:51 pm

Either place is fine by me. One person said they would just stick with Patreon site (I think they had an unpleasant encounter or something, not sure.) but I'm fine with either place for dialogue.
viridian
Site Admin
 
Posts: 1589
Joined: January 20th, 2011, 2:07 am

Re: The Short Blurb

Unread postby Ergoemos » August 2nd, 2015, 4:31 pm

Fair enough. I loved this section but the sudden veer into acceptable supernatural-ness concerning Rhiyen himself, I think, would have been helped by a little more introspection from Rhiyen, especially after his encounter with Tony and Co.

I, as a member of the audience, have no real frame of reference for what is unnatural in Rhiyen's world, and most of the material before now has been very subtle. Suddenly, Rhiyen casually catches a bottle he barely had time to react to with his off hand then charges after a corvette with the pedal to the metal, apparently being able to keep up for at least half a mile. As an audience member, I recognize this seems a little out of place, but Rhiyen, our primary POV and usually a very personal and thoughtful person, only sees it as an inconvenience to have run *too far*.

A paragraph here, continuing to emphasis Rhiyen's growing discontent with the unnatural capabilities he seems to be exhibiting, would emphasis the later encounter with the derelict from the alley. Instead of coming slightly out of left field in harshly convincing Karen not to say anything, his tone would imply he'd been thinking about this for a long time, and that while he knows something strange is going on, he is trying to handle it extremely cautiously.

Likewise, when Karen learns more about Rhiyen during lunch, he becomes a little defensive when she asks about
Spoiler: show
his having friends
, I was expecting more of an honest bemused, "No... why do you ask?" rather than his actual response. He's clearly not antisocial, given his friendly, natural discourse with the Han family, so I am not sure he'd give a hedging answer to her question. It's no secret, so being honest with her isn't a weakness to be exploited.

Otherwise, I think it all works really well. Feel free to disregard by any means! This could very well be one of those simple "different writers, different mindset" things and my opinion is just that, an opinion! Don't let it change your ideal in the least! This is your story after all.
Ergoemos
 

Re: The Short Blurb

Unread postby viridian » August 3rd, 2015, 9:05 am

You know what? I think I outsmarted myself trying to be subtle when he was jogging home from school. (If my math is right, he set a pretty killer pace. But if it didn't adequately foreshadow, then I screwed up!)

I think you raise some good points - ideally I don't want to give anyone a 'jarring moment' as they read.
viridian
Site Admin
 
Posts: 1589
Joined: January 20th, 2011, 2:07 am


Return to “%s” Rhiyen's Deal

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google Feedfetcher