New guy, praise/criticism thread
Unread postPosted: June 6th, 2010, 4:48 pm
So, hopefully my first post in the newcomers' thread will be soon approved. In the meantime, time for me to talk about what I like and dislike about Team 8.
Good bits
This fic is rather well-written. In fact, it's very well written, for a fanfic at least - probably up there with your average published book, which doesn't happen often with fanfics. Good grammar all round and a nice vocabulary (including some words I'd never heard of before, like "arpeggios") are two very rare things on ff.net.
The characters are pretty nice too. Naruto is a lot less irritating than his canon counterpart in part I (already more like his more reserved Shippuden self, which is a good thing), Hinata is frequently a Tear Jerker, Shino is very cool, and Kurenai is was funny most of the time and formidable when she got angry.
The fight scenes were good to read, particularly the first major battle (with those 3 missing-nin, who incidentally were interesting and creative original characters, at least when it came to their abilities). They seem like the battles you find in the canon Naruto (which are great), only faster-paced, which I like.
I also think your description of the Tsukiyomi (sp? Itachi's mangekyou genjutsu) deserves special mention. It really was quite horrifying. The way Kurenai broke out of it also made sense, even if it did involve all those terrible things happening to genjutsu!Hinata. And before you ask, I didn't particularly object to her death - it was unexpected and done well enough to keep me hooked, rather than making me ragequit the fic (as it had the potential to do, had it been written badly).
Finally, hooray for keeping Haku alive. He's my favourite ever Naruto character. I'd love to see him get assigned to Team 8 somehow, at least temporarily.
Not-so-good bits
I don't really like the way you skip over the bits we already know from canon. Example: in the Chuunin Exams, you suddenly cut to the Hokage and Orochimaru fighting without any explanation of how it happened. Then, again, in the most recent chapter, the trio of Jounin are suddenly fighting Itachi and Kisame - the only warning being that Kakashi had suddenly spotted some ninja clad in the Akatsuki cloaks. Yes, we know how it happened, and you were probably trying to avoid boring some of the fans who know the canon story off by heart by describing what happens in Canon, but the overall effect is rather jarring.
That's the only thing I have a real problem with, so on with the niggles.
The load of tiny, poisonous snakes summoned by Orochimaru's men (accidentally, due to Naruto's "secret technique") are ignored as if they never appeared. One would assume they'd then go on a rampage and kill everything they encounter. I at least expected a mention of how some of the missions in the aftermath were to do with hunting them down and killing them, to prevent a possible danger to Konoha and/or travellers.
The Gratuitous Japanese you use takes some getting used to - I found it rather grating at first, as I couldn't understand what the techniques were actually supposed to be. I've warmed to it since, though.
Finally, this has probably been brought up before: the elemental system. In canon, Naruto is wind element, so shouldn't be able to use lightning or water element moves. Yet they are some of the first he's taught. So one of four things must be true:
1) You didn't know about the elemental system at the time (dunno how far through the anime you were when you started writing).
2) You forgot (which I think is kinda unlikely).
3) You've scrapped the system, due to this being AU.
4) The techniques are so basic, anyone can use them, no matter their affinity.
Aaand... that's everything I can think of. Getting late now, so my threatened posting spree will have to come tomorrow (if at all).
Good bits
This fic is rather well-written. In fact, it's very well written, for a fanfic at least - probably up there with your average published book, which doesn't happen often with fanfics. Good grammar all round and a nice vocabulary (including some words I'd never heard of before, like "arpeggios") are two very rare things on ff.net.
The characters are pretty nice too. Naruto is a lot less irritating than his canon counterpart in part I (already more like his more reserved Shippuden self, which is a good thing), Hinata is frequently a Tear Jerker, Shino is very cool, and Kurenai is was funny most of the time and formidable when she got angry.
The fight scenes were good to read, particularly the first major battle (with those 3 missing-nin, who incidentally were interesting and creative original characters, at least when it came to their abilities). They seem like the battles you find in the canon Naruto (which are great), only faster-paced, which I like.
I also think your description of the Tsukiyomi (sp? Itachi's mangekyou genjutsu) deserves special mention. It really was quite horrifying. The way Kurenai broke out of it also made sense, even if it did involve all those terrible things happening to genjutsu!Hinata. And before you ask, I didn't particularly object to her death - it was unexpected and done well enough to keep me hooked, rather than making me ragequit the fic (as it had the potential to do, had it been written badly).
Finally, hooray for keeping Haku alive. He's my favourite ever Naruto character. I'd love to see him get assigned to Team 8 somehow, at least temporarily.
Not-so-good bits
I don't really like the way you skip over the bits we already know from canon. Example: in the Chuunin Exams, you suddenly cut to the Hokage and Orochimaru fighting without any explanation of how it happened. Then, again, in the most recent chapter, the trio of Jounin are suddenly fighting Itachi and Kisame - the only warning being that Kakashi had suddenly spotted some ninja clad in the Akatsuki cloaks. Yes, we know how it happened, and you were probably trying to avoid boring some of the fans who know the canon story off by heart by describing what happens in Canon, but the overall effect is rather jarring.
That's the only thing I have a real problem with, so on with the niggles.
The load of tiny, poisonous snakes summoned by Orochimaru's men (accidentally, due to Naruto's "secret technique") are ignored as if they never appeared. One would assume they'd then go on a rampage and kill everything they encounter. I at least expected a mention of how some of the missions in the aftermath were to do with hunting them down and killing them, to prevent a possible danger to Konoha and/or travellers.
The Gratuitous Japanese you use takes some getting used to - I found it rather grating at first, as I couldn't understand what the techniques were actually supposed to be. I've warmed to it since, though.
Finally, this has probably been brought up before: the elemental system. In canon, Naruto is wind element, so shouldn't be able to use lightning or water element moves. Yet they are some of the first he's taught. So one of four things must be true:
1) You didn't know about the elemental system at the time (dunno how far through the anime you were when you started writing).
2) You forgot (which I think is kinda unlikely).
3) You've scrapped the system, due to this being AU.
4) The techniques are so basic, anyone can use them, no matter their affinity.
Aaand... that's everything I can think of. Getting late now, so my threatened posting spree will have to come tomorrow (if at all).
