New guy, praise/criticism thread

[OhJohnNo]

So, hopefully my first post in the newcomers' thread will be soon approved. In the meantime, time for me to talk about what I like and dislike about Team 8.

Good bits
This fic is rather well-written. In fact, it's very well written, for a fanfic at least - probably up there with your average published book, which doesn't happen often with fanfics. Good grammar all round and a nice vocabulary (including some words I'd never heard of before, like "arpeggios") are two very rare things on ff.net.

The characters are pretty nice too. Naruto is a lot less irritating than his canon counterpart in part I (already more like his more reserved Shippuden self, which is a good thing), Hinata is frequently a Tear Jerker, Shino is very cool, and Kurenai is was funny most of the time and formidable when she got angry.

The fight scenes were good to read, particularly the first major battle (with those 3 missing-nin, who incidentally were interesting and creative original characters, at least when it came to their abilities). They seem like the battles you find in the canon Naruto (which are great), only faster-paced, which I like.

I also think your description of the Tsukiyomi (sp? Itachi's mangekyou genjutsu) deserves special mention. It really was quite horrifying. The way Kurenai broke out of it also made sense, even if it did involve all those terrible things happening to genjutsu!Hinata. And before you ask, I didn't particularly object to her death - it was unexpected and done well enough to keep me hooked, rather than making me ragequit the fic (as it had the potential to do, had it been written badly).

Finally, hooray for keeping Haku alive. He's my favourite ever Naruto character. I'd love to see him get assigned to Team 8 somehow, at least temporarily.

Not-so-good bits
I don't really like the way you skip over the bits we already know from canon. Example: in the Chuunin Exams, you suddenly cut to the Hokage and Orochimaru fighting without any explanation of how it happened. Then, again, in the most recent chapter, the trio of Jounin are suddenly fighting Itachi and Kisame - the only warning being that Kakashi had suddenly spotted some ninja clad in the Akatsuki cloaks. Yes, we know how it happened, and you were probably trying to avoid boring some of the fans who know the canon story off by heart by describing what happens in Canon, but the overall effect is rather jarring.

That's the only thing I have a real problem with, so on with the niggles.

The load of tiny, poisonous snakes summoned by Orochimaru's men (accidentally, due to Naruto's "secret technique") are ignored as if they never appeared. One would assume they'd then go on a rampage and kill everything they encounter. I at least expected a mention of how some of the missions in the aftermath were to do with hunting them down and killing them, to prevent a possible danger to Konoha and/or travellers.

The Gratuitous Japanese you use takes some getting used to - I found it rather grating at first, as I couldn't understand what the techniques were actually supposed to be. I've warmed to it since, though.

Finally, this has probably been brought up before: the elemental system. In canon, Naruto is wind element, so shouldn't be able to use lightning or water element moves. Yet they are some of the first he's taught. So one of four things must be true:

1) You didn't know about the elemental system at the time (dunno how far through the anime you were when you started writing).
2) You forgot (which I think is kinda unlikely).
3) You've scrapped the system, due to this being AU.
4) The techniques are so basic, anyone can use them, no matter their affinity.

Aaand... that's everything I can think of. Getting late now, so my threatened posting spree will have to come tomorrow (if at all).

[MrRigger2]

As I understand the elemental jutsu system of Naruto, it isn't a case of being restricted to one element based off of your affinity. It's merely a boost/enhancer for the lower level techniques, as there seems to be no actually elemental manipulation for those particular jutsu. If we get into the higher level techniques, that's where affinities and elemental manipulation comes in, where the hand seals don't automatically shape the element for you. For example, Kakashi is supposedly a lightning type, which is why his signature jutsu is the Chidori/Raikiri. However, he's still able to do techniques that come from other elements, such as the earth jutsu he uses against Sasuke in the Bell Test, or the Water Dragon against Zabuza. Kakashi was able to perform the Water Dragon and Great Waterfall jutsus against Zabuza without much problem, but he was standing on a lake at the time. In contrast, we have the Nidaime Hokage and Hoshigaki Kisame, who are water affinities, and have trained those affinities to the point they can pull off monstrous water jutsu without water sources, something someone without a strongly trained water affinity could not do.

Hope this clears it up.

MrRigger

[doc.exe]

As I understood it, given that the baby snakes were summons, they returned to their home dimension after they "took care" of the invading forces that summoned them.

At least, I don't think they remained for a long time after that.

[Greybane]

As I understood it, given that the baby snakes were summons, they returned to their home dimension after they "took care" of the invading forces that summoned them.

At least, I don't think they remained for a long time after that.

Given how they were practically newborn, do you think they would want to be away from home for extended periods of time, when they could just poof back?

[OhJohnNo]

Thanks for all your replies. :)

Rigger, that clears things up a bit - I always assumed Kakashi could use that many because he copied them with his Sharingan. Now that particular niggle makes more sense.

The baby snakes stayed long enough to kill everything in the immediate area - I sort of assumed they were hungry, angry and/or both, so would continue to kill stuff for a while. I suppose it depends on how far away the summoning location as from Konoha - for Naruto's ubergigantic pulse to reach them, it can't have been THAT far (I know it was a big pulse, but still...). It's only a tiny complaint though.

[MrRigger2]

I've always seen the Sharingan's copy powers as something that while they can copy something, if you don't have the physical capacity to do it, you still can't do it, no matter that it's been copied. If you copy at major ninjutsu, you may know how to do it, but if you don't have the chakra to pull it off, you'll still kill yourself due to chakra exhaustion.

As for the snakes, they were summoned with a huge amount of chakra, but that chakra was split among them, and given the number of them, they likely weren't able to stay bound to that place for very long. The natural wildlife in that area may be somewhat thinner, but I doubt any are still there, or were even still there a day later. Remember, most summons we see only stay summoned for a pretty short amount of time. I'd say they were only in the forest for a few hours at most.

MrRigger

[OhJohnNo]

Well, thanks. That clears those two complaints up completely (which I suppose makes them the subject of Fridge Brilliance, for the tropers among you).

[eternaleye]

Well, thanks. That clears those two complaints up completely (which I suppose makes them the subject of Fridge Brilliance, for the tropers among you).

for the tropers among you

tropers

*Is overcome by a desire to visit The Great Devourer of Time*

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[WarriorDrgnMage]

(which I suppose makes them the subject of Fridge Brilliance, for the tropers among you)

Yes it seems to me that most of the people here are tropers. Myself included...such addictions are time consuming.....

Jokingly the Evil Authorlord once threatened to prohibit the posting of links to tv trope pages which should tell you something....

[Daethalion]

But they explain everything!

[viridian]

Yeah, and reading just ONE explanation is like eating a single potato chip out of a freshly opened bag. Theoretically possible, but practically impossible. (Sez the fat guy.)

[Dechstreme]

Yeah, and reading just ONE explanation is like eating a single potato chip out of a freshly opened bag. Theoretically possible, but practically impossible. (Sez the fat guy.)

What fat guy?

[Kirai]

Yeah, and reading just ONE explanation is like eating a single potato chip out of a freshly opened bag. Theoretically possible, but practically impossible. (Sez the fat guy.)

It's more a question of motivation. Why should I just eat one chip? There's just no good reason to stop at one.

Now if I were given money to just eat one chip, I could do that easily enough. But if you don't motivate me? Meh.

[Dechstreme]

Hey, Chouji called. Says he wants his potato chips back.

[bookworm702]

Hah, until he get's Madara to teach him how to dimension jump past the fourth wall, these puppies are mine!

Stupid Chouji.

[viridian]

Yeah, and reading just ONE explanation is like eating a single potato chip out of a freshly opened bag. Theoretically possible, but practically impossible. (Sez the fat guy.)

What fat guy?

Well, me.

Seriously, I have to stay away from that URL if I want to get anything else done... Like, you know, write.

[bookworm702]

Speaking of which, I just noticed that Chapter 21 is at 46%. Thank you!