What I have below is the introduction to An Ogre’s Story…
Did I achieve spookiness, or merely incomprehensibility?
“TURNING and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned…”
“…And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?”
William Butler Yeats, The Second Coming
“This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.”
T.S. Eliot, The Hollow Men
Prologue
The stones were silent under the stars. Night on the Salisbury plain had temporarily banished the tourists. The Wessex tour guides would return in the morning, leading another group of visitors… people who would wonder why the massive sarsens had been placed so precisely. The truth was far stranger than any would credit.
At precisely midnight, a ripple appeared in the air in the exact geometric middle of the circle. The air parted, a vertical seam opening. The rip in the air grew until it stretched from the ground to more than seven feet above.
This happened in plain sight of several discreetly placed security cameras, but as the first ripples spread from the center of the rip, the electronics ceased functioning. A private security company, contracted to monitor Stonehenge and ward off any vandals, saw all the video feeds die simultaneously. The technician on duty assumed, not unreasonably, that the problem was at the junction box, or in the underground cable. He sent the night watchmen to check those first, which probably saved their lives.
By the time they had verified that everything was functioning correctly, and walked out to the Inner Circle, there were no signs of the previous disturbance. The cameras, however, were completely inert. When he tried to call in, the senior guard couldn’t get a signal on his cell phone. He didn’t suppose a bunch of forty-plus ton blocks of sandstone would do wonders for reception, but he had to walk for almost five minutes before he could get his phone to work again. As he reported in, his partner bent over, peering down at the grass.
After he flipped the phone shut with a muttered curse, the older man nudged his partner. “What’re you gawking at?”
“’s odd, that’s all.”
“What?”
The younger man straightened and pointed down. Balanced on the end of a blade of grass, a large moth fanned iridescent purple and gold wings. As it took to the air, it glowed brighter than the crescent moon would justify. The wings spanned over five inches.
The two men stared after it as it fluttered off into the night. “Just a big moth,” the older one opined.
“But those colors, pretty flash, eh?”
“Pollution, probably. Never know what the sods’ll be dumping in the water next.”
“I suppose so.”
The guards thought no more about it. They trudged back to their car, unaware of the unfriendly eyes that watched them leave.
The technicians would not be able to explain why the cameras failed, nor would they be able to get them to work again. The next night, extra guards were scheduled to patrol the grounds to compensate. This led to no few complaints. The colorful moth was forgotten, even though it was from no known species.
From such simple things do worlds fall.
With the little snippet we have here, there is nothing spooky about it. We don’t have enough backround to know why this should be scary. You writing references things: “probably saved their lives,” “unfriendly eyes that watched them leave,” etc. but it’s not enough to build tension because we are currently ignorant of the significance of what has occurred and why it is dangerous.
I got something in between; neither absolute ‘spookiness’ nor imcomprehensibility but rather ominous anticipation.
Trivial thing – I would have used ‘centre’ rather than ‘middle’ in ‘exact geometric middle of the circle’. It just struck me as slightly weird when I read it … I guess one definition of ‘centre’ *is* ‘exact geometric middle’, maybe, or ‘middle’ is used more for masses of indiscriminate objects rather than geometric figures, or … I’m thinking too much.
Ominous, rather than spooky, was the first word that occurred to me as well after reading this. It’s certainly comprehensible enough for me.
Oddly enough, if you get rid of the Yeats quote, and leave the T.S. Eliot, it comes a lot closer to being spooky (or at least mildly creepy) for me. *shrugs* The Yeats quote is a classic, but I’ve read and heard it so many times, it’s lost most of its effect.
I agree with Sagara. Getting rid of the T.S. Eliot and Yeats might up the spook factor, but generally, the prologue doesn’t make as much impact as it ought to.
Partially, that is.
Definitely not incomprehensible. I’m not so sure about spooky. Tense, to be sure. This isn’t a fault with the writing, I just don’t think this is a spooky scene.
I wouldn’t keep the Yeats quote, because one quote is generally the right amount and to be honest, I usually find myself only skimming quotes at the start of a chapter rather than absorbing them if there is an overly long list, keen to get to something I haven’t read before. Given the final line of the prologue I’d think that the Eliot is more suitable, and in many ways contributed as much as anything else to me wanting to read more.
“Even though it was from no known species”. Okay, so this is hair splitting, but I can’t say I’m surprised that the two security guard didn’t know what species the moth was. I guess it just feels like there is a hint of chastisement in that sentence when their behaviour was perfectly reasonable for anyone not an entomologist. I think this is just my annoyance at story telling in general and their shoddy treatment of security guards. Okay, so many a supernatural occurrence has been precipitated by a “dumb” security guard not getting it, but who would? I suppose, what I’m getting at is that while this scene is well written and does do a good job of being what it is, I felt a little like I was reading a description of a generic Hollywood movie teaser. If I were reading this I’d be very happy and continue on, but then I have no problem with big Hollywood movies as they are frequently highly entertaining. The question is, is the security guard close shave a classic or a cliché?