Stupid plot bunny… Naruto’s Ultimate Technique

…assaulted me in Skype today when someone from my gaming group made a comment about Naruto’s Ultimate Technique ™

In retrospect, everyone agrees that they should have seen it coming. The peace of the Shinobi World was far too fragile, even after the great wars, to withstand old grudges. The opportunity was far too tempting for those bearing old grudges.

However, no one in Konoha questioned the course of action that triggered this treachery. Kumo could not go unpunished after their latest attempt to acquire the Byakugan. Hyuuga Neji nearly bled out after defending his cousin, and one of Hanabi’s eyes could not be saved after it had been partially extracted. Worst of all, Hinata had saved her sister, but at the cost of the child she unknowingly carried. It went without saying that causing the death of a Hokage’s unborn child, even by accident, was cassus belli.

Within a day, Konoha’s Elite Jonin and ANBU had left for the Kumo border. The Hokage delayed his departure, staying by his wife’s side as she lay in the hospital, recovering from the lightning jutsu that had damaged her nerves and aborted her child. No one knows what was said between them, but an opressive weight seemed to turn the spring air to lead, and make old men and women sleep uneasily as their dreams turned to nightmares of the Kyuubi’s wrath.

By the second day, most of the Senior Chuunin had departed for what looked to be less of a punitive raid and more like a biblical cataclysm. The only note of sanity came from one of the Hokage’s oldest friends. A messenger hawk with a scroll bearing the Uchiha seal sought out the… unique… chakra of Kirrabee. If he would swear on his honor that he knew nothing of attack on the Hyuuga’s, he would be allowed to leave Kumo in peace.

Of course, with most of Konoha’s forces streaming toward Kumo, Iwakagure saw an opportunity it could not resist.

With Lady Hinata out of the hospital and convalescing at their home, the Hokage began preparing to leave for Kumo. As he was about to leave, one of his oldest friends stood in his path. Umino Iruka, pressed into the intelligence office when Konoha went on a wartime footing, had raised concerns to his superiors earlier that day, but had them dismissed. With Nara Shikamaru departed for the front, no one took him seriously enough to divert their attention. Finally, he took his career in his own hands and stomped all over the chain of command… and yelled at the Hokage.

The Hokage reflexively ducked his head, expecting a clout on the head. Then he noticed the glares of his commanders and the nervous sweat on Iruka’s forehead. If his old sensei was sticking his neck out like this, he needed to listen. That was how he learned that the border pickets near Iwa were overdue to report back. By two days.

At first, Naruto was inclined to agree with his commanders that the patrols might have been delayed, or just late getting back. Then Iruka showed him the performance histories for the two mission leaders. One of them had a summons contract. Both of them had perfect records for filing their reports on time. Which was why they were picked to lead such sensitive patrols. Which was why they were both most likely dead.

Naruto turned to his commanders and inquired as to who was available to check on the Iwa border. That was when he discovered how bare the cupboard was. Barely anyone above the rank of genin remained in Konoha. He was easily the fastest person left in town, so, over the objections of his commanders, he left alone to see what was happening to the west.

Iwakagure’s elite ANBU had lived up to their name, taking out the Konohagakure patrols so quickly that no one lived to raise an alarm. No one lived to see a massive army roll over the border, heading straight for the Village Hidden in the Leaves, intent on obliterating it for all time.

Moving at the head of his grand army, Iwa’s Kage surveyed his massed troops with no small amount of pride. They’d built back from the depradations of the Yellow Flash, and now they would have their revenge.

He blinked in disbelief to see a single, blond-haired shinobi standing in their way. For an instant, his gut wrenched in terror, thinking the Yellow Flash had returned from beyond the grave to defend his home. Then he blinked his eyes and realized that it was the simpleton Tsunade had selected as her heir, thinking the resemblance would frighten Konoha’s circling enemies. That sort of foolishness was what they deserved for selecting a woman as Kage.

“Have you come to welcome us to your village, Hokage?” he called out in a mocking tone.

“More like to welcome you to hell,” the blond snarled back, his shouts echoing across the grasslands as he used the same trick to project his voice using chakra. “Turn back now and live. I have bigger fish to fry at the moment,” the Hokage continued in a dismissive tone.

The Iwa leader felt his skin flush. “Better those Kumo bastards had killed your wife and her freakish family, and saved us the trouble.”

The Hokage dropped back into a stance, bringing his hands together. Everyone in the Iwa army felt the chakra spike that followed.

“Do you think you can fight me and my entire army, boy?” The Iwakage snarled. “No matter how good you are, it doesn’t matter when you are this outnumbered!”

“You’re right,” Uzumaki Naruto said in a regretful tone and blazing scarlet chakra flared around him. “Mugen Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!”

A shockwave spread out from the blond, heading toward the horizon. In it’s wake, exact duplicates of him appeared… until they stretched from horizon to horizon.
In perfect unison, the clones that now surrounded the Iwa Grand Army stepped forward in a Goken power stance. Their sandaled feet hit the ground in perfect unison and the sound was like thunder.

As his genin lost their footing from the shockwave and tumbled to the ground, the Iwa Kage tried again and again to dispel the genjutsu. He was still trying when the one of the blond Hokages that really looked far too much like the Yellow Flash cut his throat. As everything went dark, he decided that this was all just an elaborate nightmare after all.

* * * * * *

By the time the winded Hokage made it to the Kumo border, word of his one-man pugnicide had preceded him. Displayed on pikes along side the road were the heads of those said to have been behind the attack on his wife and her family.

Standing beside those pikes was the Jinchuuriki, Kirrabee, who offered himself and his family up as hostages for his countrymen’s good behavior. When the Kumo Kage arrived and began to berate his brother for his rash actions, Naruto realized that the heads on pikes had been Kirrabee’s idea. At that point, he had little choice but to accept the crazy rapper’s offer – and make it clear to the Kage that his brother had just saved his life.